AIBU to wish my toddler wasn’t so independent

[Weareallreallytired]

DS is 21 months and has always been really independent - at playgroups he will completely ignore me but be all over the other mums, same with family especially with his grandparents. He’ll just run off at the park and not even look back to see if I’m following. He’s not cuddly at all - the best I get is his arms around me when I get him out the bath followed by a slap round the face.

I feel awful for saying this and would never admit it in real live but I feel so disappointed that he’s like that. All the other toddlers & babies we know are totally obsessed by their mums and are super cuddly and you can just tell they love their mums so much. I’m honestly not sure DS would notice if I was gone let alone even care!

I’m sure there will be comments from mums with clingy children saying they would love their child to be independent but honesty it feels really shit and I just feel like I do all the hard work and never get any nice moments.

Can anyone else relate to this ? Does it get better or do I need to accept that he’ll always do his own thing ?

I get it OP - sometimes we just want to sit and cuddle our babies. The reason he's so happy going off is because he loves you so much and got such a secure attachment he KNOWS you'll be there to go back to.

My DD had always been like this. Utterly frustrating at times when she was little as she paid no heed to me EVER and was completely unbiddable. A woman in a playground once said to me ‘you will be glad of this independence later when she knows what she thinks and says no to people on her own terms.’ Blew my mind and was completely correct!

it was extremely challenging at the time, but she is now a teenager and is thoughtful, very intelligent and still very independent: she is a delight as a , so much better than as a toddler!

I'm so sorry it's obviously really upsetting for you. All we want is a bond with our child.
I think I would speak to my health visitor or go along to my local children's centre sfor a chat. At the children's centre they will have play groups and be able to observe what's happening.
Does he display any of the following: limited use of words, poor eye contact, lack of response to their name, and a lack of pointing? These are all signs of autism in that age group. As is the lack of hugging due to sensory overload.
You'll have your 2 year check with the health visitor coming up to review their development but if you're worried ask via your GP for contact details if you've not got them. They will have a drop in clinic somewhere or organise a visit.
Get some support, a problem shared is a problem halved.

I came to say the same as lengokengo. My toddler like this has turned into an independent and forthright person but also thoughtful and caring. They still hate hugs. I think it is sensory. I work with children and I often think children like this are just busy. There's a lot to do and think about when you're a toddler. I also think he likely has a secure attachment to you as he takes you for granted. This is good.

My son was always like this, even as a tiny baby he didn’t like snuggles. I’d say it changed when he was around 3 and he could understand the idea of love, making people feel loved etc. Now he’s still super independent and I don’t see him for dust at any social activity or soft play, but I get constant “I love you, Mummy” and lots of hugs and kisses both when I ask for them and of his own accord.

Looking at friends who had children who were wanted to be close to them often, I do think him being independent made my life easier. I’ve never had to worry about his confidence, his ability to make friends and socialise. He settled very easily into nursery, and was never phased by going to new classes or groups. When gymnastics or swimming classes moved to “no adults”, he didn’t blink whereas other kids really struggled. And I’ve definitely had a lot more time to chill while he gets on with independent play.

My son was like this - was independent straight from birth basically. Didn’t need help with getting to sleep, didn’t like cuddles even if he fell and got hurt. He was always on the move and I think cuddles felt restrictive to him. He would go to the park or playgroup and just walk in and not look back at me. At the time it felt like he had no bond to me.
He started nursery when he was nearly 2.5 and even on his taster session he just walked in and started playing. Never had any issues dropping him off at nursery or with grandparents to be looked after (which is actually a relief). Some parents have a hard time dropping off a crying toddler, so I’m glad to not have experienced that yet. When he would be with family whilst I worked a few hours a week, he wouldn’t be bothered when I left, then when I’d come home he’d just look up at me and then continue playing. But now when I collect him from nursery he gives me a cuddle, says it’s nice to see me etc.
As he’s got older (he’s nearly 3.5 now), he has become more cuddly. He loves to snuggle up on the sofa, randomly cuddles me, tells me he loves me, gives kisses etc. I honestly never thought he’d be like that.
I think if you keep offering cuddles and affection then eventually he’ll come to appreciate it a bit more hopefully!
My second baby is much more affectionate and clingy to me and it has made me realise how much easier it was to get things done with an independent baby! I think my second will be harder to drop off at nursery 🫠

One thing I will say is not to make too many assumptions yet. Personalities aren’t fixed at this age and a clingy toddler can turn into a very loving child.

I do know what you mean as my ds crawled off without a backward glance when I went back to work after maternity leave. He’s always been a bit nonplussed by ‘big events’ like starting nursery / school (on the surface anyway) and is very confident at navigating situations and places (too confident in all honesty.)

He has for the most part grown into a loving little boy. He may not have cried when I dropped him off at school for the first time but his expression of delight when he sees me at pick up tells me everything I need to know

I’m glad to hear some children changed, I’m really hoping my boy does. I just feel so envious when I see other little ones all over their mums whereas mine can’t wait to get away but is then all over everyone else.

I do worry that I look like a bad mum to everyone else tbh. My nephew is the same age as DS and he is his mums little shadow. It’s embarrassing being out with them as the contrast is so stark

I had a toddler like this. He is a challenge to be sure (putting it mildly) but he is still very independent and has lots of friends, both these things are huge positives now!

He also confides in me in a very honest and unexpected way and loves to spend time chatting with me even tho he's 13 now. When he's not driving me up the wall, he's clever and entertaining and I have absolutely no doubt these days that he loves me very much, he even tells me that occasionally in his own way.

He actually on the autistic spectrum, I have no idea whether that is related but he manages life well. His siblings are the complete opposite of him in every single way.

I had the complete opposite issue. I had a complete Velcro baby who would scream the moment she saw me. I couldn’t get 5 mins to myself, this kid wanted to be on my hip no matter who else was in the room. It was exhausting!

I can’t say I’ve noticed any pointing but otherwise he is getting there with his speech & has good eye contact / engagement with other people. He’s very confident with adults

@TY78910 im sure it must be exhausting but it feels like a dagger in my heart every time i get rejected for a cuddle or he runs away from me in favour of someone else so right now I would much prefer to be in your boat

It sounds to me like he has such a secure attachment to you that he know’s he can toddle off and explore and you will always be there for him. Well done mama! (That’s not a sarcastic well done but a genuine one!)

@Loulou4022 it honestly doesn’t feel like it tbh. Just back from a playgroup and he spent the whole time all over the other mums ! Ignored me totally

My son wasn't very cuddly until he was about 3. He was breastfed and contact napped and we barely had him looked after by anyone else. Once the feeding and contact napping stopped and he went to nursery he became a lot more affectionate. He would come for a cuddle or tell me he loved me. I came to the conclusion that his cup must already have been full but when it wasn't he actually wanted some more affectionate. Could it be something like that?

My husband gets very little affection still though, I think that's because he asks for hugs and is a bit needy though. I'd say it's better to let them come to you!

@ThatMintMember we gave up BF quite a while ago and he’s never contact napped so I don’t think it’s that unfortunately.

Mine was this kid. Now a very independent, brave and intelligent teenager. I have always offered hugs and do now get them, more than other mums of teens.

ADHD so maybe sensory when she was little. In a world of kids too scared to do anything, be happy yours is adventurous.

My daughter was exactly like this. She hated being held or cuddled as a baby and never fell asleep unless she was in her own cot with her own space. As a toddler she LOVED other people but I felt she could take or leave me 🤣 when she was 4 she asked if I could swap her with her cousin so she could go and live with her aunt, completely oblivious to the daggers that were piercing my heart!
She loved nursery, and the first day of school, no looking back at all.
She’s now 9 and honestly, we have the best relationship. She’s so funny and kind, and she cuddles me and tells me she loves me all the time. If she’s sitting next to me on the sofa she likes nothing better than snuggling up with a blanket, and she wants extra kisses and hugs at bedtime. She’s still very happy to go new places on her own without a second glance, but she’ll choose to give me a hug and kiss goodbye even though her friends don’t with their parents. The first thing she does when I pick her up from anywhere is give me the most beautiful smile and a hug. She still likes her aunt, but recognises now that she couldn’t live with her, she’s grateful for the freedom I let her have that her aunt wouldn’t give her!
Some children just like to be independent! Your time will come, just keep showering him with love whenever he allows it 🤣

I remember comparing my child to an ironing board, she never curved into me when holding if you know what I mean, she is nearly 5 and does enjoy snuggles, not sure when it changed

It’s a phase. My daughter was exactly like this, but now at 4 years old she’s wonderful company and is passed the running off and defiance stage and very affectionate.

I felt like you at the time, but he’ll grow out of it I promise x

I think he is maybe quite confident and interested in the other Mums! I know its upsetting for you ,but it shows that he is confident in his own skin,By all means speak to the HV. But often children that are like this may change ,and you may find he gets cuddlier as he gets older !

This.

It makes life SO much easier when they are confident being away from you.
My eldest always trotted off to play / be involved with whatever was going on. I've always been able to drop him off to any new activity at the door, with a 'see you later'. Life has been SO much easier in that regard than others whose dc are clingy and lack confidence.

Oh, and he is more than happy to wrap me in a bear hug since he now towers over me.

You are wrong about parents thinking you are a bad parent. Any looks are envy from those struggling to detach themselves from their child.

Totally relate @Weareallreallytired- my DC were the same as babies and as a tactile and openly affectionate person, I felt really rejected. I still do somewhat but they’re older and now approach me for kisses and cuddles but I feel like I’ve switched off that side to me and sometimes am so rushed off my feet (lone parent) that I miss their cues… it makes me really sad.

edit: dc display traits of neurodivergence so it could be that…

i was going to say sounds like secure attachment…

that said other less black and white forms of attachment can look like this and it’s how the child responds when you leave a room and return appears to be telling… lots of stuff on line about this.

Oh dear, I just googled what you meant. My boy doesn’t even notice when I leave him in the crèche or with grandparents so that’s not great !