AIBU to wish my toddler wasn’t so independent

[Weareallreallytired]

DS is 21 months and has always been really independent - at playgroups he will completely ignore me but be all over the other mums, same with family especially with his grandparents. He’ll just run off at the park and not even look back to see if I’m following. He’s not cuddly at all - the best I get is his arms around me when I get him out the bath followed by a slap round the face.

I feel awful for saying this and would never admit it in real live but I feel so disappointed that he’s like that. All the other toddlers & babies we know are totally obsessed by their mums and are super cuddly and you can just tell they love their mums so much. I’m honestly not sure DS would notice if I was gone let alone even care!

I’m sure there will be comments from mums with clingy children saying they would love their child to be independent but honesty it feels really shit and I just feel like I do all the hard work and never get any nice moments.

Can anyone else relate to this ? Does it get better or do I need to accept that he’ll always do his own thing ?

To be honest this doesn't actually sound like a secure attachment. Securely attached children are confident to explore but use their caregiver as a safe base, checking they're still there and watching etc.
OP - your health visitor should be able to offer some support to develop the attachment, if that's something you would like.
Good luck

@Ruggable88 i just don’t know where I’ve gone wrong as in a SAHM so spend all day with him. I do lots with him like reading etc and he has my attention for most of the day aside from when I’m doing chores etc

You spend all day with him HE KNOWS YOU ARE THERE. That’s why

this! Mine is similar to yours, same age. She has never been cuddly unless she wants breastfeeding. I reassure myself it shows a secure attachment. I can be hard but remember they are their own person with their own personality and you have to respect that. And also could change!

OP you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong; this is totally normal for some children. You do not need to get help or see a health visitor. Ignore those saying so, they are being ignorant.

My eldest was the same - walked into playgroup without looking back - I remember going out to walk the dog once when it was dark, and he just strode off across the playpark into pitch black and only stopped because I made him. He wasn't cuddly or kissy at all, didn't want me to hang around at bedtime (once he was sleeping through) - just wanted me to say night night and leave!

He's 15 now, and does come and kinda drape himself over me when he wanders through the kitchen, or reaches over and says 'pat pat' and pats my arm. But does generally maintain a distance - he like his personal space.

Youngest is of course the opposite, and wanted to be glued to me constantly, screamed every day going into playgroup, preferred to sit on my lap to watch TV until he was probably about 8 (basically when I was starting to get numb legs from it!)

Some kids just aren't touchy feely.

You haven't done anything wrong! Children are all unique and he's obviously very happy and confident. What would he do if he was scared or he hurt himself? And I echo what a previous post said about looking for whether he shows joint attention, i.e. points at things he wants or wants you to look at.

Don’t take what you’ve read online to mean your child fits into that. He’s very young still and he will change.
My son didn’t care when I left him with grandparents and didn’t really notice when I came back - but he was having a great time with people he loved, so I wouldn’t really expect him to be overjoyed at me returning!
It can be upsetting when your baby isn’t cuddly, but what he’s like at this age is not necessarily a reflection of what he’s going to be like when he’s older, or even in just a years time.
Like I said before, he’s nearly 3.5 now and is very different to what he was like when he was 2 and didn’t want affection.
Just yesterday he gave me a flower and told me I looked pretty. He likes me or my husband to cuddle him in his bed before he sleeps now, which he never wanted when he was younger. He will randomly give kisses and cuddles. If you keep giving him hugs, kisses, affection etc then he’ll know they’re just a normal part of your family life and will be more likely to reciprocate as he gets older.
Please don’t think you’ve done anything wrong or don’t have a bond with him. He’s just an independent guy and there will be times when you really appreciate that trait in him.
I was thinking about my younger brothers in relation to this as well - the one who was more cuddly and clingy as a toddler has grown into an adult who hates physical affection now. But the one who was a bit more independent will happily give my parents hugs as an adult. You son will keep changing as he gets older. He’ll go through phases of loving affection and probably phases where he’ll find cuddling his mum embarrassing!