When DP has a bad time, he turns on me

[Creeeeedence]

I’m overseas with work, I travel twice a month. As anyone who travels with work knows, it can be nice to have a break from housework, but it can also be full of stress, boredom and forced socialising.

DP often verbally attacks me when I go away. Yesterday he had a bad day (bad news at work and a family member is ill) and he was angry at me for not replying fast enough to his messages whilst I was at work. We spoke at length after work, he then stopped replying for hours so I assumed he was asleep. Later on I was off my phone for fifteen minutes whilst I got ready for bed. He blew up my phone accusing me of cheating, of being a neglectful mother, etc.

I’m really tired of it. I can’t afford to lose my job but am strongly considering changing from my successful role because of his behaviour.

You do things for you, first. If the change of job is what you want/need, go for it.

Never for a DP that doesn't make you stronger, better, faster...and more than you are on your own. That's not a DP...that's an abuser. However low-level the abuse.

Bewarned - a lot of men WILL go for 50 50;to avoid maintenance. It's not so much work to neglect childen, give them devices and then terrorise them into not making a fuss

This OP. Get rid of the arse.

DO NOT give up your job

You will need the money very much

These cunty men - yes indeed. Work out how you can stop relying on him for every single thing and find a new house to move into even if it means renting . Then work out the family home later. I

No it bloody doesn’t explain why her dick of a husband turns on her!
OP, your husband turns on you because he doesn’t respect you and he is too lazy to find other ways of dealing with his stress than using you as a verbal punching bag

DC is not yet grown up? Young?
You have years ahead of you of being his emotional punchbag.
Keep the job.
Get rid of him.
Sort out reliable childcare using PPs suggestions.
Perhaps he won’t want much shared parenting in future.
You and DD will be much happier. Nothing could be worse than this.

Be prepared for him to walk away if you split - no child contact or maintenance. These shits don't think they should have to do anything other than their paid work & they don't suddenly accept their parental responsibilities after separation.

Give up the man, not the job.

You are being unreasonable to think of changing your job because of this man . He needs to learn to regulate his emotions and learn resilience , we all get bad / difficult news but can process it without turning on others .

Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and that you are not his punching bag. That if he continues you’ll have to explore separation because it’s abusive.

1-2 days per fortnight, isn't a huge amount. This situation isn't really about you being away though is it? It's more to do with your husband having jealousy, anger and resentment issues. He's using the children and you being away, as an excuse to make you feel guilty.... because you're not at home giving him attention. I suspect if you're the higher earner, there's an ego issue, that's built into resentment, because he dislikes that you out earn him.

Instead of being supportive, he's nasty and abusive, when you're away, because he knows it's distracting and will cause you to feel anxious/guilty. I suspect if you left your job, even if you found another, it would be music to his ears. He wants you earning less, to make him feel better, you at home, so he knows where you are, and so you're there to give him your attention.

If you change your job, make sure it's so it will be easier to manage childcare, when you split. Not to pander to your husband, and his tantrums.

Or, as most have suggested, change the man, not the job.

Men with toxic insecurity rarely ‘learn resilience’. They just become more and more bullying, controlling and spiteful until they’ve crushed a woman’s self-esteem and pushed her to become the smallest version of herself, which entails giving up every shred of independence, and every relationship and mechanism that allows her to have agency over her own life.

They are not interested in a partnership or mutually supportive marriage, their base requirement is that they feel comfortable and unthreatened, that their needs and wants are automatically prioritised, and their decisions unchallenged. It’s only when they can look down on their partner and see she’s fully defeated and contained that they can finally be at peace, and free to spend every subsequent moment finding things to criticise and despise her for.

Don’t give up your job, OP, or at least not until you’ve found something better that will work around childcare. Then dump this fucker and live your life free of his bullshit.

If this were an otherwise happy relationship but he just struggles with his emotions when you are away, I was going to suggest having an agreement to not contact each other at all until you returned.
However, your later posts show more underlying problems and also an unbalanced workload. I think your plan to get to a position where you do not need to rely on him for childcare is a good one and whilst you are doing that I would say nothing at all about any plans to possibly separate.
Only once you don’t need him, give him ultimatums as I suspect he will behave badly.

This.

I go away for work occasionally and have barely been home for various reasons recently.

My husband just asks what I managed to find to eat, if I slept well and what time I expect to be home so he can collect me from the train station 🤷‍♀️

If something bad happens we talk about it like adults.

Yes. Also very jealous.

Read this back to yourself. Dump him. Get a nanny. Do not give up your job.

How does he treat your children when he's in a paddy and you aren't around?

He sounds awful, it sounds like it’s time to pull the trigger. I was a lone parent and traveled for work OP it’s doable, now is not the time to change jobs it’s time to throw more of yourself at it. Do even better.

It's not your job you need to change .

I imagine he ignores them to sulk on his phone.

I’m heading home to my stepkids this weekend and will be expected to pretend everything is great because they’re around. Obviously it’s not their fault but I can’t be bothered with the Super Stepmum act anymore.

Then don’t. Just stop doing it. LTB, please.

How old are your children? How much looking after them does he do when you are away?

Young, and the basics. If we split he’d probably want EOWE custody like he has for SC.

Thus us abusive

make arrangements to leave