When DP has a bad time, he turns on me

[Creeeeedence]

I’m overseas with work, I travel twice a month. As anyone who travels with work knows, it can be nice to have a break from housework, but it can also be full of stress, boredom and forced socialising.

DP often verbally attacks me when I go away. Yesterday he had a bad day (bad news at work and a family member is ill) and he was angry at me for not replying fast enough to his messages whilst I was at work. We spoke at length after work, he then stopped replying for hours so I assumed he was asleep. Later on I was off my phone for fifteen minutes whilst I got ready for bed. He blew up my phone accusing me of cheating, of being a neglectful mother, etc.

I’m really tired of it. I can’t afford to lose my job but am strongly considering changing from my successful role because of his behaviour.

I’d change him before I’d change the role.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB.

YABU to stay in a relationship with someone who accuses you of cheating.

The thing is, I don’t see how I could manage my job as a single parent without reliable childcare anyway. So I think I need to change it and then separate.

Do you earn the same? Does he feel that he provides the bigger income but you get to 'swan off' leaving him to cope?
Completely unreasonable of him but it would explain why he turns on you. He could be jealous of your perceived freedom.
Some men tend to forget that they are jointly responsible for children and household things and see it as women's work....is he one of those?
Either way I would keep the job for now and ask him how it would work when you separate and he has 50% childcare.

How long are you away every month? Have you talked to him about it when he is calm - and if wo is he apologetic, or adamant he is in the right etc. Does he actually want you to change jobs and potentially take a pay cut etc? Does he ever go away (with work or otherwise)

I earn more. I also do more when at home - all bedtimes, most housework. When I go away, DC is in childcare and I leave prepared meals and clothes laid out.

One to two nights a fortnight. He doesn’t go away with work but has been on multiple long weekends and holidays without me or DC in the past year.

Well he’s an abusive arsehole.

Get your childcare in place and divorce him!

He sounds like an arsehole 🙄 I wouldn't stay with someone who treats you like that, there's absolutely no excuse for it. If it means changing jobs so you can manage the children, do it. Then leave him!

You definitely don't have to change your job if you are only away 2-4 nights a month. Even if you were to separate (which you should). It's nothing. Keep your job, and if you don't want to leave him, at least do not marry him.

Yeah he is. It used to upset me but now I’m just numb to it. I think he’s a complete idiot. I’ve been so supportive of him in many ways for years and this is how I’m treated. I don’t want DC to grow up thinking it’s normal but I also don’t want to have to share custody with him.

What's he complaining about - can you get a cleaner, gardener babysitter if it's the extra work he dislikes

Well, go through your budget and then do another budget without him in it. How much will you save?

Sounds like he is saying that if OP doesn't devote all her time to him when she is away she is cheating and he's calling her a bad mother because she didn't respond to him for 15 minutes. I don't think it's as easy as getting a cleaner etc. more that he has deep rooted jealousy and anger issues.

Honestly leave.
Do your work travel when he has the children (this is how I did it).

This is it. He was cheated on by his ex wife so I used to have sympathy for it, but at this point he’s being controlling and abusive.

I had an ex partner like this who did exactly the same. Easily dysregulated if he felt out of control - because I was away - and went on the attack/silent treatment at the slightest opportunity. Now married to the calmest, most understanding guy who would trust me in a room of 10 out of 10s! Ducks in a row, heal - and forgive yourself for putting up with his shite for so long. Amazing things will come OP X

He’s being abusive. The fact you’re considering giving up this job (to find another) and then separating is a good sign- do it. Realistically he’s going to be a dickhead after you dump him so relying on him while you’re away with work isn’t going to happen. It’s gutting but it is what it is. These cunty men do not change.

He is a twat. Keep the job and bin him off. Could anyone else provide childcare? Parents? Pay for a Nanny?

You’re not totally numb to it though, or you wouldn’t be posting this thread.
Unfortunately you will probably have to share custody to some extent. I would (I did!) crunch the numbers and get ducks in a row. Best thing I ever did was leave my H. So much happier now.

If you were to split up, would he even want to share custody? It sounds like the only way he manages looking after them in your absence is with a lot of input from you.- meals prepared in advance, laying out of clothes etc. You could stop that now, and start looking for a job where you can manage the DC without his ‘help’. Or find another way of dealing with childcare overnights.
He doesn’t sound nice at all.

No wonder she cheated on him. Start planning a single life. As for shared custody he’ll say he wants that, but he doesn’t really, it would mean work.

You know the answer - ltb but do the work to work out why you ignored the red flags in the first place. Take care so sorry you are going thru this

Leave this abusive man. Start planning and make your move.