AIBU?? to not want XH to take DS home with him for 7 nights.

[davidtennantsmistress]

he's done 5 nights with him, when X has a week off in sept/oct time, he's after taking DS 250 miles to yorkshire to see his family.

he did 5 nights (thurs avo to monday avo) over may bank holiday.

Have said he can deffo take DS mon-fri type of a deal, but he's after a sat to sat type of a thing. which i'm not so keen on, have said i'll think about it but not keen at all.

my reasons include DS being very unsettled with his sleeping since coming back (possibly his age but odd how it's been since he came back from his last trip) was going 12 hours last time now i'm lucky to get 2 hours a time.

came back really playing up (biting etc etc - think that was some sort of punishment?? anyhow) that I can deal with it's the unsettlement for him.

X is not going to come down for this w.e (his 'contact' as it were w.e as apparently he has to work - apparently he's going to try to rearrange next w.e so he can but I doubt he will - will then be 4 weeks since DS last saw his dad - XH doesn't ring during the week as apparently DS doesn't talk to him on the phone - he's 2.5 so says what he can manage (ie random words!)

aside from my issues with MIL/DS (which to be fair was fine last time after much apprehension on my part) XH I have no doubt will be expecting to use my car again. last time the exhaust came back half hanging off and needed sorting out

so aibu in not wanting him to go for 7 nights? have said i'll think about it. (i'm fine for 5 nights)

oh and DS came back saying 'shut up stupid' as well - was v v pissed off at this, even more so by XH thinking it was funny!

How old is ds?

2.5 will be about 2.10 m by then.

If nothing else ell him to arrange his own transport, you will need your car.

how are you love anyway?

plodding along thanks shoshe, settled now, he just makes me so angry cos apparently (as per the conversation I just had with him the jist was)

I need to feel grateful that DS sees him twat. why the hell should DS feel grateful his own father sees him? if that's his attitude etc. then when I said it annoys me for DS but also as I don't have a break at all form DS, XH@s responce was awell i'll have him living with me then - like fuck you'll get my son!!!

guess I am

Children of separated parents very frequently exhibit the behaviour you describe. They just find it v hard to adjust to being back with the mum after being with the dad, but stick with it and it will improve.

It's your child's right to have time with his dad and hard as it is for you, you're doing the right thing by encouraging and facilitating contact.

Agree withothers that he needs to make arrangements for transport.

I'd give the seven days a try & see how your son is.

It isn't unreasonable of your xh to want to be with his son for a longer period of time, and it's horrible to have someone else control whether or not you see your child and for how long.

I can understand why you might be concerned about him being unsettled when he gets back, but to be honest I don't see what difference the extra two days makes.

Our experience was that dsd was always unsettled on the first night when she arrived for visits. Her mum used to complain about the same thing. Like mumbechum says, I think it was just dsd getting used to going between the two homes, and it did settle down.

Totally agree with mumblechum - DD is nearly 8 and is a total brat when she comes back from XHs even now.

You should be happy that they are having contact - although I know how you feel about - I did too!

quite normal for kids to do 2 lots of 7 nights per year with 'other' parent, or 2 weeks straight if that suits.

my neice goes to her dads every couple of months for a week at a time, they live 500 miles apart, and has been doing so since just before she was 2. she speaks to her dad on the phone regularly but because of the distance he cant visit more regularly because of work etc. she is unsettled at both ends on the first couple of days. but she goes happily with him ( he gets the train to collect her and bring her back as he doesnt have a car) she chats about the journey and everything she does. i see her at both ends at diff times. i live an hour drive from her dad so try and get over to see her when she's this end. and when i go to visit my sister i see her.
i have seen she is happy when up north with mum and down south with dad.
children do adapt very easily and it is important for them to have a relationship with both parents (unless there is very good reason not to have the contact).
my dd stays with her dad evry other weekend and has been for a year now she is always unsettled and moody on the sunday when i get her back, but its just her way of adjusting to diff stiuations/rules etc. i grin and bear it because its not her fault she's a little unsettled and i know once she wakes up she'll be fine again

I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but I think your DS will enjoy his time with his Dad. My DS has been splitting his time between his dad and me since he was a year old. I made the decision to be positive about the experience (despite wanting the XP to drop dead ). Now - some 11 and half years on - my DS has an excellent relationship with his Dad (nrp) and with us. In fact now that we live such a long way from my DS's dad, he often spends a large part of the summer holidays with him.

I know that behaviour changes can be difficult, but we have learned to cope with it and DS loves spending time with his Dad. It was tough at first and I still miss him when he's away, but I'm glad I made the effort to be positive about it as we all have a good relationship now.

My dd (2.10) would not want to be apart from me for even 2 days with someone she does not see regularly, even if he is her dad. She would be completely traumatised.

I really feel for you because to be honest I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement at this age. Even for one night. It's just too much for them to be away from their mums (or main carer).

I would insist that he comes to you and your ds sleeps at home each night. If he doesn't like it it's tough. After all, the child's welfare is supposed to come first.

I don't doubt a lot of parents do spend time aaway from their child for longer, what bothers me is the last time was the first time i'd been away from DS consistently for more one night. (I usually see him on the morning and afternoon but XH has him inbetween.

my concern is he's 2.10m he's had a hell of a lot of upheaval the year, and tbh in his whole life i've been the only consistent one in his life (XH works away an awful lot).

would I be having this discussion if he was older is 5 or 6 then no i'd let him go, but how many are happy to let their 2 year old go to the other end of the country for a week?

sufer - it's horrible for xh to be told how long to spend with his son - on the other hand it's horrible for me to try to explain to a toddler why his dad won't taske him places, or in deed why he's not seeing his dad this weekend.

fwiw i've been overly occomodating of XH and always have - he stays in my house ffs when he sees DS and I move out for the weekend all to facilitate and for them to maintain the realtionship. but I have resented the implication from XH that we (I because I have time away from DS and a break) and DS because he's actually seeing his dad, should eb grateful to have him down am I missing something there? he's the father he should be wanting to see his child as much as possible.

sf - think XH's angle is well you let him for 5 nights 2 more won't hurt - but that said, he went in (first w.e) may, i'm still dealing with the insecurities now.

To be honest, your ds's angle is the only one which matters.

He has clearly been traumatised by being away from you so please don't do it. He should be put to bed by his loving, familiar mummy at night.

I totally agree that it would be a whole different ball game if he was 5 or 6.

YANBU.

You are being too reasonable

I agree that theres not much between 5 nights and 7 nights tbh. If it means your DS will get more of a chanmce to spend time with his extended family then it will be good for him.

I'd be worried, like you are, about the fact that he hasnt seen his Dad for 4 weeks before the long stay though, especially as he was supposed to see him and his dad canmcelled.
Can you ask your ex to come and see him for a day trip or to say you will let him have DS for the week as long as he makes it to see him next weekend as he says he will?

If you do let him go then definitely do NOT let him take your car. Say you have things to do and that you need it. End of.

If you really really dont want DS to go for 7 nights then say to your ex that you want DS to see his Dad and that you are compromising a hell of a lot to make it happen (moving out of your house for visits, lending him your car etc) but that ex should want to see DS enpough to compromise a bit too and 5 nights away is it.

I agree, DTM - it's not an easy situation for anyone to deal with least of all the child.

Please don't think I'm not unsympathetic. I do understand your concerns about the fact that you have been the constant in his life. And I would hate to be away from my dd for a week, I'd really miss her and worry that she was OK. And yes, he is still really little.

But he has already been with his dad for 5 days and he wants him for an extra couple. It's not like he hasn't seen him or even had him overnight since you separated - in which case I too would be saying a week may be too much at first. And it's not like you're saying a long stretch is too much - you're happy with 5 days, I just wonder if another 2 days really would make that much difference to your ds.

He is the child's dad no matter what you say - a court would uphold that he had every other weekend and half the school holidays - you are better to get into a routine now when he is young and he probably has a great time - you just see the shite when they get back from having no routine etc whilst they are away but it is not something you can change.

YABU - your child comes first and his reactions will be exactley the same when he is 6 or 7 - they come back haivg a different set of rules from yours and kick up for a few days!

And I hate my XH with a vengence - I spent 2 years fighting for custody of DD so it wasn't friendly but I am doing what is right for DD - children need to see their parents and it is easier to get him to go now than when he is 6 or 7 and has more of a mind of his own!

I know it is, and i'm trying so hard to do what's right n best for him, maintaining contact with his dad is good for him - however I will not tolerate DS being messed about (ie XH walking in and out of his life as he chooses - if it came to that then I would stop contact). he has a nice time up there - of course is spoilt by pil, last time MIL (XH openly admits PIL are alcoholics) seemed to be ok. they did take him in the pub thou - still wasn't from what I can gatehr as bad as I thought- althou that could have been XH putting gloss on it as he knows there are things (ie DS being in the pub from 11am to 11pm and paraded around like a toy) I won't have irrespective of him being with his dad and it not being often - some places are not for children.

I try to give them time & space ont heir own together, but XH always makes me out to be the unreasonable one, even thou ther'es a list as long as your arm for reasons I'm cautious with DS. incl XH/PIL being controlling, manipulative, & emotioanlly/verbally abusive. (for the most part this is towards me, (althou PIL are usually like that to XH) my worry is how long will it be before they're like that with DS, as call me old fashioned but I don't want my son in that environment.

it's knowing what to do for the best - it's not till october (maybe sept) so have a while to think of it.

We don't want to go down the court route, if he did try that thou, i'd fight tooth and nail, bringing a lot of things to the front which to now I haven't, about our relationship etc. but i feel ds should see him.

tbh pretty much everything has been XH's way, literally in fact every thing he's wanted i've done and complyed with. to me it jsut feels like he's happy all the tiem DS is with me and he's away as he knows he's well looked after but then likes to come back and play happy families/take ds away - how is that right when he has no contact with him inbetween times?

I would get a statement of arrangements drawn up which has times when he has to see DS on it - he then sticks to them and you don't have to negotiate with him - the ownness (sp??) is on him.

As for what he does with your DS whilst he is away from you - well you are going to have to get used to the fact that you have no control over this and your parenting styles are different! XH takes DD on a quadbike and a speedboat - at 7 yrs old that is something that terrifies me - but you cannot stop them doing things unless there is a detrimental - and I mean obvious detrimental effect to the child!

Its hard and as seperated parents you are going to come across this all the time and you will feel that the path is faull of injusticies I am afraid but that is how it is.

Start drawing some lines and enforcing some boundaries though but you ahve to be reasonable and it is easier to start now rather than when he is 5 or 6 because he will not know his dad and will make more of an issue if being forced to go and see him.

Good Luck I do know I sound like I am against you but I am not I am jusrt trying to tell you how it is from what has happened between XH and I concerning DD!

quad biking! speed boating.

lol.

to be fair, if that was all safe would I worry - er yes probably! lol. last time I rang in the evening to say good night to DS but didn't bother during the day - XH told me what they'#d done during the day.

He is his dad yes, to that end I don't argue with him in front of DS, nor do I talk ill of XH/PIL in front of DS (don't let my family do it either) as in my view, it's up to DS when he's old enough to make up his own mind on his dad.

XH claims to not be able to afford a car, he won't fly, and also claims that a toodler wouldn't sit still on a train for long enough. (my thoughts are enough snacks, toys and activities etc and he'll be fine.

we do have v differnt parenting - XH for one thing lets him stay up till he goes to sleep as 'he's not tired' before hand. a factor which i'm sure has contributed to DS not wanting to sleep of a ngiht.

there's for and against on both sides I think. it's just so far away for a longer time (5 days was bad enough)