AIBU?? to not want XH to take DS home with him for 7 nights.

[davidtennantsmistress]

he's done 5 nights with him, when X has a week off in sept/oct time, he's after taking DS 250 miles to yorkshire to see his family.

he did 5 nights (thurs avo to monday avo) over may bank holiday.

Have said he can deffo take DS mon-fri type of a deal, but he's after a sat to sat type of a thing. which i'm not so keen on, have said i'll think about it but not keen at all.

my reasons include DS being very unsettled with his sleeping since coming back (possibly his age but odd how it's been since he came back from his last trip) was going 12 hours last time now i'm lucky to get 2 hours a time.

came back really playing up (biting etc etc - think that was some sort of punishment?? anyhow) that I can deal with it's the unsettlement for him.

X is not going to come down for this w.e (his 'contact' as it were w.e as apparently he has to work - apparently he's going to try to rearrange next w.e so he can but I doubt he will - will then be 4 weeks since DS last saw his dad - XH doesn't ring during the week as apparently DS doesn't talk to him on the phone - he's 2.5 so says what he can manage (ie random words!)

aside from my issues with MIL/DS (which to be fair was fine last time after much apprehension on my part) XH I have no doubt will be expecting to use my car again. last time the exhaust came back half hanging off and needed sorting out

so aibu in not wanting him to go for 7 nights? have said i'll think about it. (i'm fine for 5 nights)

It's your car - his transport difficulties are not your problem. Accommodate him in reasonable ways but don't let your ex walk all over you re your house and your possessions.

Agree - he needs to get himself a car - you need yours to go the the tanning salon and get your nails done - if he is going to be responsible he has to be wholly responsible and that means getting his own transport - and DS will love the train at that age!

To clarify,

I'm not suggesting your ds should not see his dad until 5 or 6. I mean he should not be away from you overnight at the moment.

i agree with others he needs to get his own method of transport. i regularly travelled 300 miles on the train with my ds from 4 months old until i managed to get my first car when he was 5. i still go on the train with bth chidlren for some journeys but any long ones like goign up north to visit family i tend to drive
your xp will cope if he has to on the train, personally i find travelling on the train easier than driving by myself, but the costs of travelling with the chldren are why i drive longer journeys

well we already do that see, and have done since last year v- as in XH has him on his own from sat and and I come back sun avo. every other week so he's used to this bit.

I think a part of the reason XH won't go on the train is he'd have to change and either go across the london under ground (not good esp as he takes all of DS'sd stuff - MIL has nothing up there for DS at all) or he'd have to swop at birmingham new street - while I use the train and willingly take DS on there, I wouldn't take him across the underground from waterloo to kings cross with about 3 suitcases and his pushchair.

flying thou it's an hours flight!!!

But you know these aren't really your problems are they? He could buy some DS stuff to keep at MIL or he could change at BNS. These are his problems so solve, not yours. It is your car and DS is also his son. You wouldn't expect him to sort out these kind of problems for you would you? So why not let/make him be the responsible father her needs to be, and solve his own child related problems like an adult?

think it's a case of making him do it not letting him do it tbh.

as another thought xmas will be coming up soon as an issue - last year xh was with us, then saw ds at the house over the period/went to his mums on his own, this year i'm thinking of proposing to him he comes to us for xmas day, (we have a big family thing my side boxing day) then he can have DS from the 27th for a week over the new year? is that fair or not really?

i would say that is fair.
i always have my dc on christmas day- there dads are invited to join us, dd's usually does
then dd's dad's family have a big family thing on boxing day, which we used to go to as a couple so dd goes o him boxing day, while ds and i go to his grandparents who usually have a bit of a do that day.
i always have (so far) had mine for the new year as well, but any days in between we work out depending on work

I really don't want to make this look like I'm being antagonistic and picking holes in what you're posting. I'm trying to be helpful .

What you are suggesting for Christmas sounds really fair. But you are suggesting he has him for a week. Why is it OK in December and not OK in October?

surfer mum - when I say week I mean mon to fri

terrible for us both I think jammi.

he is our son and yes I realise that, but you're missing key points here.

DS is with me all of the time as the residant parent.
XH has NO contact at all with him inbetween his visits - not even a 2 minute call, not even a text to ask how he is. and I should feel grateful that he sees DS for those 2 weekends a month? I should feel grateful when he tells me how I should be parenting DS/treating him in the house when he's not here, and listening to him saying well he's never been like this before my responce is always the same er actually he is, you just don't see it because you're not here. DS is literally on his best behaviour for the whole time XH is here, then he goes back to how he usually is with me.
XH was/still is emotionally/verballiy abusive controlling but worst of all manipulative towards me, which at the minute I tolerate as I no longer have to live with it all the time, and I do it for DS's sake. the minute he thinks about doing it with DS is the time I say enough is enough. I will not have DS messed up, in the same ways XH has been by MIL (ie MIL is the exact same as XH and always has been)
my worries have always been there sending DS up with XH - not the fact of XH the fact of PIL are abusive in all manners when drinking. I have to trust XH that he will look after DS - pretty sure he will do to be fair then again XH has stood inbetween his dad/mum when they've been fighting.
if I don't allow XH to take DS there i'm well aware the courts could find in his favour, so I don't want to be seen as hindering any contact which i'm not in any ways.

the most important factor in all of this thou, is XH doesn't care about the fall out, he doesn't care about the effects all of this has on DS - all he keeps saying is 'well he's fine with me' well yes he might well be but as I say best behaviour. etc. he has NO boundaries at all, While i'm trying my damned hardest to get him back on track after last time.

I hope one day when XH finally gets another house (if he does) DS will have his room there and obv a room here - it would be nice if he had stuff at his grandma's house but can't see it happening. but for now i'm dealing with an XH who think's it's fine for him to stop on the sofa at mine to visit DS, indefinatly - ie have said to him what happens in the future if we're both with someone new, he said 'oh i'll still stay??' you can't do that surely that's not on!!!

I copped the needle last time he was down as I came back early in the morning to find DS running around with a dirty nappy on (I mean drenched from the night b4) hungry, and it was 9am - XH was in MY bed asleep.

sorry jammi I'm not shouting at you inparticuar just very frustrated i'm trying my hardest to move on, but it still feels like it or lump it that XH is calling the shots by when he can/can't see DS, and expects me to re arrange every time to accommodate him - when I challenge him all I get is 'don't start'

XH's reasoning for not having any contact is 'ds won't talk to him on the phone' but as I said today, DS doesn't say much - but he says what he can, & I encourage a bit - ie tell daddy what you did today etc, did we see a train, DS then says thing like garden, dinner, train etc etc you get the jist,

I do want DS to maintain contact with his dad - but how much should be me chasing XH to be a good dad/visit etc?? it's almost as if I didn't he wouldn't bother. thankfully DS has some v strong male role models (my dad, brother uncle and nans partner) whom we see every day and keep him inline to a degree.

XH seems to think he's a great dad as he pays/sees his son - to me it's more than that - but these are issues we had when married, he's interested when he wants to be, otehrwise he's not at all. (I mean to the extent of telly on and XH asleep) whilst I don't claim to be the perfect parent, and we do on occasions (ie when one or both of us are feeling ill watch beebies or bambi for most of the day) we also 95% of the time have activities/outtings etc.

to sum it up the jist is XH has/was seeing someone before we split up - I don't care what he says or how he words it, in the space of 3 months he went form no one to he was talking to someone after we split then I challenged him as I knew she was around before the split and he went to 3 weeks 3 months b4 we split - tell me how can you be that exact if there's nothing going on?? anyhow he is apparently still with said 'lady' said loosely. but gets upitty when he knows i'm going out or want to - the classic case of he doesn't want to be married anymore /wants to be single but also wants to know i'm in doors and not doing anything apart from pining for him to come back - (which i'm not btw!)

think we might have to rearrange the sleeping things. (obv I wasn't in my bed at the time and I know why he did it but I had said before I went out there's a cover in the cupboard for you to use)

back to the question in hand thou all of that aside. per se do I think XH can handle the extra time - probably, however I think it will be more PIL getting up with DS while XH stops in bed even thou XH & DS share a room there. guess will have to get a ready bed for this trip.