If you have a partner who has AUDHD, please share your experience.

[user0512]

Hi,

My partner is currently in the process of being officially diagnosed with AUDHD. In general we do get on, him and I have quite a lot of common interests and shared views. It was after 6 months of being with him I realised he probably has ADHD and autism. He was initially in denial but later realised this might be the case and agreed to seek a diagnosis.

Although we have a lot in common, sometimes I feel incredibly lonely in our relationship. He’s always fixated on looking at situations with logic rather than feelings and I’m quite the opposite to be honest, in this regard we do clash. He has an avoidant attachment style (was taught to suppress feelings, was highly criticised as a child, was told to not play the victim and ‘be a man’).

After being NC with his family for almost 1.5 years he recently got back into contact with them and sometimes it feels like he cannot multi task in his relationships either (being a son and being a partner) he tends to fixate on one or the other.

We do get on well in terms of hobbies, interests, outlook on life and being comfortable with each other. But sometimes I do feel lonely being with someone who takes any discussion as an attack, is highly logical and can be quite avoidant when he feels attacked (even though this isn’t my intention).

Anyone else in the same boat? I’m not looking for advice about whether I should leave or stay as I’ve made the decision to stay but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy and that it doesn’t sometimes get lonely.

*Posted on AIBU for traffic.

Thanks

I dont know. But i would consider if he is diagnosed whether you would ever want to have dc with him..
as just because he is mild enough not to be diagnosed it does not mean any kids would be mild. And then you are in a situation with very demanding kids with a difficult dad.

This is largely the situation we have.

However it is also possible you are wrong as men can just be like that. Less emotional than women and more logical.
But if he is NC with his parents it does suggest some sort of issues either with him or them and that maybe genetic.

Even if he's not diagnosed with anything I'd think twice about having children with man who has an avoidant attachment style, and fixates on only one relationship at a time.

I'm AuDHD and can confirm that I struggle to multitask with relationships. It's hard to balance a partner and my best friend or partner and being mum. I've realised I work best alone and therefore am no longer disappointing the people closest to me. Obviously, there was far more to splitting up with the children's father but after many years trying to balance things I find it easier to be mum full time, prioritise friends and date very occasionally in the background. I may be somewhat unusual in this however.

I forgot to mention we already have a child together. She’s 2.5 years old.

My experience is horrific.

@Yellowundermarine interesting… so when you focus on one relationship in particular do you feel too burnt out to give more to another or do you tend to unknowingly forget about the other? I do find it confusing how it works tbh

I’m over emotional. Dh isn’t. No labels. Just different characters from different upbringings

I think it’s not just the heavy logic, it’s the lack of/inability to accept when he does wrong without taking it as a personal attack/getting very defensive. It’s the needing a day or two after an argument to be on his own (unless it’s around our daughter then we’ll be civil in front of her) whereas id rather talk about it sooner and let it settle whereas he thinks I just want to revisit arguememrs and takes things personally.

I have AuDHD.

I would be really cautious of automatically ascribing things your partner does to his possible neurodivergence, especially given his complex background. I would be even more cautious about taking the view that, if something might be related to his possible neurodivergence, you just have to put up with it- it's not a get out of jail free card for shitty behaviour. In fact I'd turn all of this on its head and suggest leaving his neurodivergence to one side completely- do you want to be in a relationship with him? Are the things that bother you deal-breakers, and if so would he be open to trying to change? (Doesn't sound like it.) If you're not happy, you don't have to stay with him irrespective of the relationship between his neurotype and his behaviour.

(FWIW I don't recognise any of the things you describe as being related to AuDHD, which is not to say that they aren't related in some way for him- his neurotype, his personality and his experience are all likely to play some sort of part. But even so, that doesn't turn unacceptable behaviour into acceptable behaviour.)

@3wouldbegood I think if he had shown me that he has no capacity whatsoever to grow/change then yeah I’d have left but when he was NC with his parents he was more open to not taking everything as a personal attack and being a bit more flexible in himself. Since the contact has resumed it’s like he gets enabled and he seems to think I’m overreacting.

We did have a six month break and in that time we both decided to give things another go, but prior to that six month break there wasn’t much involvement from his family too.

He’s defo ND, struggles with conversation unless it’s around his specific interests, struggles with admin tasks and prioritising bills etc, is particular about materials of clothing he wears and foods and smells etc.

Does he have any insight into himself and his behaviour, recognise that his approach to things is dysfunctional? It doesn’t sound as though he does. And if not, how he responds to and treats you is exactly how he’s going to treat your DC as they become older, more challenging, and have an independent personality. If he had a poor childhood himself, that alone should make him not want to revisit a dysfunctional parental relationship on his own DC.

As assessment will largely only give him a diagnosis. After that, it’s up to adults to identify their own support needs and what they need for those, nobody is going to swoop in and “fix” things. If the relationship is going to last, with both of you happy, then he needs to start really acknowledging the impact his behaviour has on others, what causes him to respond in the way he does to being asked to discuss something, and think about what he needs to help him cope with that.

There’s 18 threads of stories, experiences and support here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5532823-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-nd-support-thread-18

I have an AuDHD partner too. A lot of it is down to personality. No two are the same. (I also have AuDHD but have grown up mimicking social skills until they were ingrained - common for women).

When we first got together he would be silent if I brought up a difficult subject. I just told him you have to talk. He said I don’t know what to say so I don’t say anything. I said you can’t do that, you have to at least communicate that you don’t know what to say.

If I told him he’d upset me he would get really upset and say “You’ve made me feel really shit now.” I’d say well that’s normal, you feel shit because you upset me so you feel guilty, it’s not me upsetting you, it’s the situation.

Those are just small examples but I have gradually taught him better communication skills and I can tell him anything 15 years later and he’ll respond openly. Part of his personality is wanting to be better and being willing to learn. I’d forgotten he used to be this way tbh, your post triggered the memories.

@user0512 To be fair, some of the things you describe can be typical of a lot of NT men. They're never wrong, don't like to be questioned, still influenced by their parents even though they're 50, have low levels of emotional intelligence and deal with logic not feelings. So if this is his character, ND or not, you need to decide whether you can live with it for the rest of your life. He isn't likely to magically change.