AIBU to feel my husband wants sex rather than real intimacy?

[Lillyofthevalleyblooms]

AIBU to think my husband only “shags” me rather than “loves me” I don’t know how to get this across, I dont feel like my husband has ever “made love” to me, sex yes, but never anything deep or meaningful its always been so rushed and … rough, he enjoys dirty talk and i feel really be-littled sometimes. He asks me to dress up for him which I do sometimes but i cant say its something I want to do for him right now. Last night we were lying on the sofa and he obviously wanted some “action” he kept slapping my bum then tried to get between my legs. I was obviously as dry as anything as if a few slaps would turn me on!! So i nudged him off. He went to bed in a huff. Ive spent most of today trying to explain to him how I feel but he’s been more upset by the fact that i didnt want him… which isnt true, i do want him, just not in the way he does things! I want to be loved, told I’m beautiful things to take time. Right now i feel like a peace of meat.

Has he always been bad at sex? Time for an honest talk if so. Do you direct him at all or just go along with whatever he wants? Maybe he doesn’t realise he is a crap shag?

Sounds like he's a sex pest. I used to be married to one of those, too.

Yes, it should be you setting the tone sometimes. If you don’t just want a quickie, then slow him down, almost force him to be more sensual so he knows that’s what you like. Once he sees you’re more likely to want sex if it’s done your way he’ll hopefully keep doing it like that!

I couldn’t be with a man who ‘went in a huff’ for not having sex and then had me grovelling explanations the next day. Ugh. No wonder so many young women are choosing to stay single.

He’s not a lover of women. He just wants to drain his bag. This is why so many women lose interest in sex, the men blame the women, too narcissistic to self reflect.

I'm desperately trying to think of any reason I'd stay with a man who treated me like a piece of meat and I can't. Do you have children together?

Not remotely normal. A sex pest and possibly sexual abuse if you are not consenting to his groping. Terrible shagger as well.

Presumably he wasn't always like this (and if he was, why did you marry him??).

You need to sit him down and have a serious talk about your sex life.

Lived with two men. They were both like this. Never subjecting myself to that again. It caused untold damage.

What is the rest of the marraige like? What is the relationship like in general? How close are you? True intimacy begins outside of the bedroom.

Yep, he’s a sex pest! Not normal at all. Don’t get me wrong me and dh will have a quickie but not all
the time!

Eugh sorry but it’s giving me the ick just reading about him! Yuck no! You can do better than him.

Eugh sorry but it’s giving me the ick just reading about him! Yuck no! You can do better than him.

Was none of this attitude or behaviour evident before you got married? It's not your fault obviously, but you do have some agency here.

I would absolutely hate it by why did you marry him if he’s always done this? I couldn’t make it past the dating phase with a man who made me feel used.

Absolutely so Gross. Does he know how women work ?!!
was he always so crap and selfish ?
tell him to do it properly or not at all - or you leave

You need to set him straight that slapping you on the bottom isn't the way to your heart (or anything else). The only possible solution is telling him plainly how you're feeling and why. I'd write out my points first to firm them up in my mind and try to remain clear and focused once the conversation starts. If he's not open to a discussion and trying things your way, that's the next problem to address.

Has he ever expressed a desire for sex to be pleasurable for you or just him? Has he made an effort to understand your preferences?

The answer to the above, along with the ‘huff’ at you not immediately putting out, would make my legs weld shut.

Last night we were lying on the sofa and he obviously wanted some “action” he kept slapping my bum then tried to get between my legs. I was obviously as dry as anything as if a few slaps would turn me on!! So i nudged him off. He went to bed in a huff. Ive spent most of today trying to explain to him how I feel but he’s been more upset by the fact that i didnt want him… which isnt true, i do want him, just not in the way he does things! I want to be loved, told I’m beautiful things to take time. Right now i feel like a peace of meat.

Do you really want him in the sexual sense? Or do you want him to be a man he's not during sex?

He likes rough sex and dirty talk and you dressing up and doesn't seem to understand foreplay and how women's bodies work. He's not going to suddenly change into a expressive lover who wants you to have pleasure. You are a dress up fleshlight to him.

Life is too short to have unpleasant sex you don't want to have with a sex pest who only cares that he comes.

You're sexually incompatible.

I think in a relationship you have room both kinds of sex- the loving/intimate and the lustful/rougher (if that’s what you both want, obviously).

Have you ever told him what you want/like and/or that you don’t like dirty talk/bum slapping? I ask because some people (women included) are into this type of behaviour-even if only some of the time- so it’s not totally out with the bounds of possibility that he might assume that you do too, if you have not said otherwise (and have engaged in intercourse with him when he does these things, without telling him you’d rather he didn’t).

I suppose you might think “when he does x or says y, I never have sex with him, so you think he’d learn that I don’t like x or y” but perhaps he has not linked those specific things to your turning him down. I think you have to be very clear that you don’t like x/y/z and say what you do like.

That said, I think the sulking is a bit much. Being generous to him, if you’ve been rejecting him a lot (not saying you shouldn’t- you definitely should not have sex you don’t want just to keep your partner happy), perhaps he’s upset and is coming across as sulking. I think I’d be hurt if my partner continually rebuffed my advances, especially if I didn’t really know why. Only you know whether he’s hurt or having a tantrum. Former is not 100% ok, but more understandable, whilst latter is unacceptable behaviour,

clearly if he knows you dislike it because you have told him, then he’s being extremely disrespectful to continue and I don’t think I could continue to be in a relationship with a man who did not respect my boundaries.

I wonder if the OP's problem is not 'only' that he is a sex pest, but his belief that he is entitled to her body, as if it doesn't really belong to her but is his because she married him. If this is the case, what else does he think he is entitled to from OP?

It baffles me why, in this age of information, there are plenty of men out there who literally haven't bothered to work this shit out. The thought hasn't crossed their mind. The ego cannot cope, the entitlement is wild.

He sounds horrendous.
No wonder you feel like a piece of meat, because you are.

If you don't have children, then don't.

OP didn’t say he was bad at sex. He’s obviously bad at initiating it though

Erm if my dh was even a tiny bit like this we would never have married. Even after several years and kids the love making gets better and better