AIBU to feel my husband wants sex rather than real intimacy?

[Lillyofthevalleyblooms]

AIBU to think my husband only “shags” me rather than “loves me” I don’t know how to get this across, I dont feel like my husband has ever “made love” to me, sex yes, but never anything deep or meaningful its always been so rushed and … rough, he enjoys dirty talk and i feel really be-littled sometimes. He asks me to dress up for him which I do sometimes but i cant say its something I want to do for him right now. Last night we were lying on the sofa and he obviously wanted some “action” he kept slapping my bum then tried to get between my legs. I was obviously as dry as anything as if a few slaps would turn me on!! So i nudged him off. He went to bed in a huff. Ive spent most of today trying to explain to him how I feel but he’s been more upset by the fact that i didnt want him… which isnt true, i do want him, just not in the way he does things! I want to be loved, told I’m beautiful things to take time. Right now i feel like a peace of meat.

She said she doesn't want him because of how he does things. So she's not enjoying the dirty talk and rough sex, which also could be hurting her. She said his slapping her butt did not turn her on. If she's not enjoying the sex they have, then for her it's bad sex. She's turned off by him. He gets in a huff if she doesn't have sex with him.

He sounds coercive.

@Lillyofthevalleyblooms , check out the Freedom Program.

She didn’t say she doesn’t want him she said she does want him, just not the way he does things.

He doesn’t sound coercive, he just sounds like he doesn’t know what his wife actually likes.

Its not always bothered me but I have been with him since I was 18 (mid thirties now) and I didn’t really know any different. We have 2 children and I think some aspects of our lives outside the bedroom are also making me feel resentful of him. I feel like i just give give give with not much thanks anywhere. I have not been continuously pushing him away, just last night I did ask him to stop slapping my bum and he replied you love it, to which I said no I dont! Thats when he tried to get between my legs and I nudged him away.

@WeekendFreedom "He doesn’t sound coercive, he just sounds like he doesn’t know what his wife actually likes."

Time he found out then. Obviously slapping her arse and grabbing her crotch every five minutes isn't working is it. And neither is talking dirty (which involves belittling her), or rough and rushed sex. Instead of sulking like a giant man baby, maybe he could muster the emotional intelligence to actually work out that his wife finds this repulsive. She's actually spent most of today trying to explain that. So unless he's 16 years old and/or has a very low IQ, then he's definitely a self absorbed, coercive prick.

I didn’t say I agreed with his way or sulking or anything like that, I just don’t think coercive is the correct word

So how would you describe sulking for sex, insisting on rough sex and role play, grabbing someone's crotch and smacking their arse when they don't want it and have clearly told you so. Perhaps assault would be a better word then.

Selfish, ignorant…. I’m not sure tbh what other words I’d use. I just wouldn’t use coercive

DH would be getting sweet FA if he behaved like that!

I did ask him to stop slapping my bum and he replied you love it, to which I said no I dont! Thats when he tried to get between my legs and I nudged him away.

Fucking hell, I would lose my shit with him if my DH treated me like that.

Honestly, I think that most men do try, at the beginning of a relationship, to show that they are interested in more than having a quick wank into their partner. But after a while things change. He becomes aroused and wants the quickest way from A to Z. She wants to enjoy the scenic route. To him, the scenic route is a complete waste of his time. He has no desire to caress her neck or nibble her shoulders - he wants to get in. This is why on the relationship board you'll find so many women writing about husbands who prefer porn to sex with them. And this is one of the reasons why so many women in middle years begin same sex relationships - where they can take the scenic route together.

Same here. What the hell is wrong with these blokes! DH and I are almost 60 and sex has never been anything remotely as OP describes.

OP, he needs telling straight. ‘I’m sick of just bring shagged. Up your game or it’s over.’

You can tell who are the men posting, as usual.

@WeekendFreedom Coercion is using pressure to get someone to do something they don't want to do, no?

I did ask him to stop slapping my bum and he replied you love it, to which I said no I dont!

He grabbed her crotch and when she made it clear she did not want this he went upstairs and sulked, which is in my opinion, maybe not yours, an exertion of pressure.

This is not "not knowing what the wife likes' and even if you would like to pop it into that category because that feels more comfortable for you, might we ask why, after all these years he is happy not knowing, and just guessing?

I genuinely think most men are like this. Women are far more likely to view sex as a sign of intimacy and love.

Been there, done that and got the T shirt.

Your DH is not a good lover, not even a passable one. He just likes shagging. Whoopee, well done mate, give yourself a medal, you know where you're supposed to stick your cock and that's it.

It'll only get worse unless he starts REALLY listening to you. If not, the resentment will just grow and grow between you and you'll start hating him.

God this sounds grim. My husband is totally focussed on my enjoyment and pleasure, this is how it should be for you. You deserve better!

Nobody should be doing things in bed that they don't enjoy or having the kind of sex they don't like, and he shouldn't be continuing to do anything you've told him you don't like. Telling you that 'you love it' when you've told him very clear that you don't like something, and then getting annoyed when you reject him, is not OK.

Have you sat him down and talked about this very clearly and openly? Not just that one incident, but in general? Have you actually said 'This kind of sex just doesn't do it for me, and I feel like it's very one-sided in terms of what you want versus what I want - it's not that I don't want sex and it's not that I don't find you attractive, but I want to feel like there's more affection and love and tenderness involved'? If you haven't, you need to do that. If you have, and he's reacted badly... I think I'd honestly be reconsidering the relationship because it's not OK for him to persist in pushing you to do things you don't enjoy and that make you feel unloved.

I think I would maybe steer away from framing it as 'intimacy vs sex' because I think intimacy is a very subjective thing and his idea of 'intimacy' might not be the same as yours. For example, a lot of people who are into more kinky or 'rougher' sex actually do find that a very intimate thing with their partner - for some people they're not mutually exclusive at all and it's all part of their closeness and trust. So he might have a completely different notion of what constitutes 'intimate' to yours, and you might need to be very clear on what you actually mean by intimate/loving sex.

I realise that ideally, you really shouldn't have to have this conversation because he should actually be considering all this stuff and actually noticing what makes you respond positively. But frankly he doesn't sound like someone who has much self-awareness, even, let alone awareness of other people.

My ex used to be like this , it was all about his wants , he couldn’t be bothered waiting for me . It was just like the Lily Allen song “it’s ok”

might we ask why, after all these years he is happy not knowing, and just guessing?

Like I said probably down to being selfish and ignorant

If he's learned everything from porn, and his partners have never challenged this, he might really not know. So I'd give him a chance. Tell him. Give him stuff to read. Maybe some will say it shouldn't be your job, but if you end up getting what you want and you're both happy, what's the issue?
If then he can't be bothered, that's a problem.

Instant ick, how have you put up with this for years? There is absolutely no chance of this loser changing from 'man who views his wife of a piece of meat and believes she should give out whenever he wants it' to 'thoughtful, considerate lover'.

Sulking/going off in a huff is coercive because he is trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants. He wants you to run upstairs after him telling him what a stupid mistake you made and of course you want him to shag you sideways while you tell him what an enormous dick he has. He doesn't care what you want or how you feel, he doesn't even care why you don't want it or what he could do to possibly change that.

You're a performing sex doll for him to use as he please as far as he's concerned, he has no genuine interest in you, no respect for you and couldn't care less about your feelings - and unfortunately 'talking to him' is never going to fix all that.

Have you told your DH he’s a crap shag?