To think the gatekeeping of the single parent terms has to stop

[cadburyegg]

Yet again another thread where someone is told not to post on the lone parent board. So ridiculous. Why is there such a competition amongst single parents (I am also one) to prove who has it the most difficult? In real life no one gives a stuff about the terms lone parent, solo parent, single parent and who uses them. Do we need to have a debate every time about which term to use? It’s not a race to the bottom.

I'm unfamiliar with the debate as I've not been a single parent for a few years now. Can you explain to me what you are annoyed about in more detail?

Haven't seen the thread. Is someone getting annoyed because part of a couple is referring to themselves as a single parent? If someone's using the term because their partner is a useless twat which, for all intents and purposes, makes them a lone parent, I don't have a problem with that. Or someone taking care of their kid(s) while their other half is away for a week etc. Surely it comes across in context? If someone is part of a stable and happy couple and blithely refers to themselves as a single parent just because they're taking their poppet to the playground alone for a couple of hours, I can see how that would be grating to real single parents who are struggling.

Can you explain a bit more OP?

Did someone who isn't a single parent post in that topic to tell single parents how hard they have it?

It's not clear.

A few examples (not my opinions)

Someone posted a thread on the lone parent board but was told she shouldn’t because the dad is still in the picture. But there isn’t a single parents board.

Women being told they shouldn’t refer themselves as single parents because the dad is involved and apparently you’re only a single parent if the dad isn’t around.

You’re also not a single parent if you get maintenance apparently. Or if you have family help.

I see this discussion all the time on this board and it’s very wearing. Everyone’s situation is different.

Surely you’re a single parent even if you get maintenance and dad sees the kids every other weekend? I mean, you’re single and you’re a parent and all your parenting is done alone by you….!

Yes, I’ve seen what the OP means and it is frustrating.

Yeah when I was parenting alone I didn’t bother with that board for that reason. When you’re changing nappies by yourself at 2am and dad literally isn’t even in the country, doesn’t answer calls and you have no idea if/when he will see the kids again, getting shit online over the right nomenclature really doesn’t add to your life does it?

Yes, I switch off from all those threads. Single parent to me, means someone who is separated from their child(ren)s other parent. Whether that other person is involved or not is irrelevant IMO.

I do hear men referring to themselves as 'single dads' when in fact they have 50/50 or less. Usually in order to garner some kind of sympathy or look like someone who's really good with kids.

Thats nuts.
If you are a parent and are single, you are a single parent.

Playing the four yorkshiremen is childish.

But the circumstances for someone who is bringing up children without a co parent and one who has a co parent are different.

It's not a competition to see who's got it worse, just an opportunity to understand that single parent can mean different circumstances for different people

So someone who has their kids 50/50 can’t be a ‘single dad’?

this is exactly what OP is talking about.

It sounds awful.

How dare people exclude a struggling mum (or indeed dad) because of their made up rules.

There might be a lone parent who has a great job, fabulous friends, involved parents. She’s likely to have more support (and be able to buy in some support) than someone whose ex pays minimum CMS but she has no family back up and he’s flaky about when he will take the kids.

I have never been a single parent, lone parent or any other suitable term but I have been a struggling parent without support and I think some validation and kind words when you’re feeling desperate must be worth its weight in gold. Why gatekeep when you can’t possibly know what someone is feeling or if they really have it better or indeed worse. If you don’t like someone’s post or thread just scroll past unless it’s unfairly attacking someone else or is genuinely unreasonable.

Sounds like a load of bollocks to me.
I was a bloody single parent even when I was still married!
Useless twat.

I'm a parent and single and I would definitely steer very clear of referring to myself as a single parent. We are 50/50 and not just in terms of time spent with her. She doesn't only have a single parent

I'm not particularly familiar with the discussion, but I do think different terminology for different situations would be helpful (if they were universally understood). A single parent with 50/50 care has a very different experience to a single parent with 100% care, and useful suggestions for one group (eg. Work overtime on dads weekend) isn't applicable to the other

Does it matter? I was a lone parent, no co-parent, shared care etc. That’s what I use and I don’t care if you don’t like it.

I admit I get annoyed at the “I may as well be a single parent” threads, you’re not, whilst living with partner, husband/wife. It’s patronising and undermining.

I once got told off because I said I would rather be a single mum than be with my then partner because I would be happier single than I was living with an abusive man. Women got angry, as though I was somehow privileged just because I had a partner no matter who he was. It was really bizarre how offended they got.

I’ve now been a single mum for 7 years and lo behold I was right. I am happier.

I don’t know why people seem so bothered about this and have also noticed it on threads OP so you’re not the only one!

I guess maybe I'm being sexist in finding it annoying if a man says it. I guess I'm just assuming that no matter what happens, women nearly always do more than they're credited for.

I don’t think having to learn a dictionary of terms that largely mean identical things to normal people should be a prerequisite for talking online about this. It stops people getting the help they need because others are delighting in being pedantic about semantics that are generally irrelevant to the thread. It derails things for no useful reason. The fact some people can’t see this just proves the problem. This is why I avoided those threads. And as it’s already started on this thread, I’m bowing out.

We have one of those at work - We've lived through his version of his marriage and separation and now his "single parent" status, so we know his ex wife is the main carer and works part time for that reason, we know she lives a few doors down from her very involved parents because he used to complain about their over involvement.

We know he's moved out, we know he doesn't have his child overnight because he's told us in great detail how unfair it is that he's currently living in a one bed and his son doesn't want to stay over because he doesn't have a bedroom, but he doesn't want to make him...

Yet when it suits him he'll tell new colleagues he's a single parent.

Surely it doesn't just mean "someone who provided gametes resulting in a child and doesn't have a partner"...

In his case it grates mainly because he tries to argue, sometimes successfully, that single parents including him need preferential treatment for choice of annual leave dates.

Strangely when he was still married he argued that parents of primary school children were the ones needing priority...

Why do they need credit? That’s the whole issue with this; people wanting validation from other people on how much work they do/how hard they have it, and minimising the experiences of other people on their quest to do so.

It's possibly just laziness on my part, I find if I try and post about anything parenting related, I either have to add a couple of paragraphs explaining the extent of their dad's involvement (in which case no one reads because it turns my post into a massive wall of text) or I spend half the thread say "that won't work because of x", which feels drip-feedy and frustrating for the people trying to help. A single word would be so useful to me

Even on this thread, people can’t agree what they all mean.