To think the gatekeeping of the single parent terms has to stop

[cadburyegg]

Yet again another thread where someone is told not to post on the lone parent board. So ridiculous. Why is there such a competition amongst single parents (I am also one) to prove who has it the most difficult? In real life no one gives a stuff about the terms lone parent, solo parent, single parent and who uses them. Do we need to have a debate every time about which term to use? It’s not a race to the bottom.

I'm fairly easy about how people term themselves. If someone is struggling, they are struggling and people arguing about how they 'shouldn't be struggling' because the kids see their dad once a fortnight is beside the point.

But what really really did make me incandescent was when a friend told me she knew how I felt (totally single parenting five kids, dad buggered off 300 miles away, no family, no CMS (or money at all) - because she had to look after her dog all by herself.

Yeah, that one was when I did lose it.

That is single parenting

It means parenting as a single person rather than in a couple.

I only comment when people say their husband has gone away for the weekend and that seems to make them a single parent. It really doesn’t. Or when they say they know how it feels to be a single parent because their husband had a night out and they had to do bath time and bedtime alone. No you don’t. It’s just dramatic and stupid.

People get really weird about this, but the reality is if you are a parent a single, you are a single parent.
The terms makes no assessment of how hard or easy a person has it. There are women who’s ex has the kids every other weekend and there are ‘lone mothers’ who’s ex isn’t in the picture but who’s mum and sisters take the kid all the time.

But they are not in the least single parents as they still have the financial help, mental and emotional help and a shoulder to ease the burden even while they are away.

That is a good point on a soldier. I would take in any solo parenting into a flexible working request. I think all employers would need to.

So do many single parents. Yet they are single. Lots of married parents have very little.support from anyone, including their co-parent.

Mumsnet is weird. People compete to be worse off. It says a lot about the victim mentality of our society.

Im a single parent. I have mine 11/14 nights each fortnight. Their father pays maintenance and we discuss the kids and what's best for them regularly.

No doubt lone parenting is tougher if that's the only difference in circumstances. However, I have no family support at all, no mum to lean on to help with pick ups or spend time with my kids now and then. Am I better off than a lone parent with really involved, healthy parents of her own?

My answer is "who bloody cares". It's not a competition.

I haven't seen this discussion and don't understand what the correct term is to use in different situations. I'm sorry if people are upset by incorrect usage but surely the important thing is to be supportive when possible and acknowledge that some people are having a tough time.

I agree with this. It's not a competition, but there is a massive difference in the circumstances and challenges between people co-parenting and people completely solo. I am completely solo and I don't think it's unfair that there is a separate term for that - there does need to be, and personally 'lone' ie only parent is what I understand to be that term. If I am chatting to single parents who have 50/50 or even something like that, our experiences are of course completely different. I don't have any challenges around co-parenting with a difficult ex for example, but I do have challenges that single parents where there is another involved parent don't.

I think there should be both a single parents and a lone parents board! It's ok for people to want to talk to others in a similar boat.

But there are lone parents with tons of support, so it doesn’t actually make any comment to their circumstance other than specifically relating to their partner.

So maybe people shouldn't rely on the word so much as try to understand the individual context.

You have challenges, but if you have very different ideas about parenting than your ex (likely why they are an ex!) then everything can be a war. The advantage with no co-parent is that you don't need their consent for big decisions.

Let's not forget parents whose 'partner' is actually an extra child to look after.

Yeah I guess so. I suppose my mum was a single parent because my dad died so I probably am seeing it through that lens.

Yep. Very sexist

Well I apologise for that. I will reframe my perception.

There is a huge difference between someone who splits parenting 50/50 and someone who is raising a child alone. A lone parent has a huge burden, knowing if anything happens to them their child is left with no parent, carrying all the mental, physical and financial load. Never having any freedom, knowing that every decision is on you alone and if you make a mistake there is no one to support through it. Job loss, child or parent illness or disability could literally be unmanageable. I know one child who had to go into care when her mum was in hospital.
I'm married so I've no skin in the game but I know separated co-parents and lone parents. The co-parents have it much easier, even more so than a lot of married parents.

Spot on.

I see both sides, im a completely lone parent and if im honest i do think it’s very different to being a single co parent, it’s just nothing alike. However I saw the thread you was talking about and it was very inappropriate for PP to use the thread to point out the difference

I think a lot of this thread has proved my point

for example Me and my friend parent our kids mostly by ourselves. Her exh has their kids 2 nights a month. He pays 4 figures in maintenance monthly.
My exh has our kids 3 nights a fortnight and doesn’t pay maintenance.
Very different circumstances but we are both single parents with different challenges.
I never see married couples competing who has it worse.

I had my kids 50/50 from when they were a young age - shared care with my ex-husband. They're 16 and 18 now so rules no longer apply.
But a "single parent" I was insofar as I was single in terms of my relationship status. Gosh - most definitely!
I am pleased to report I am no longer a single parent - very happily remarried and also have a little girl 😊

@JLou08 Clearly you've never had any experience of having to coparent 50/50 with a controlling narc. My children were not even permitted at one point to have vaccines as father said no (and the no takes priority over the yes). Just one of the many, many examples.

True I guess I just see it from my point as in 100% single, 100% doing it all alone - the full time job, childcare, every single other thing and no father around except for 30 hours per year (YEAR) he sees them. No family in this country to count on just me and mine and I still think I have a better deal than some people in relationships but the term single or solo parent really does apply to me in every aspect. I am aware some people are married and have no support - thats the reason I am no longer married and with no support as it was easier that way. I still do 100% of absolutely everything and I have not one single regret.

I used to be in that situation, it's a big part of why I'm single now, but it was also a different experience. Not nessecerily easer, but different.

It's definitely easier not haveing an angry man round the house, shouting, sulking, starting pointless arguments and leaving mess.

On the other hand, when he was here, I could go to the supermarket when the kids were in bed, whereas now, I couldn't make coffee for 3 day's because I'd run out of milk and it wasn't worth the stress of dragging two disabled children to the supermarket. I struggle to go to medical appointments if I can't bring them, as there's literally nowhere to leave them.

Both situation are crap, its not a contest. But they have different challenges, different solutions, and a different subset of people who 'get it'