AIBU to feel put down by a friend who constantly name-drops?

[chocolatesnaps]

I have a friend who constantly name drops and I am trying to work out her intention behind it. We are part of the same community and it's been like this for years.

Each time I meet this friend for coffee, she just seems to spend the whole time listing off all the people she's been hanging out with and it's largely unprompted. For example, we will be talking about the gym, in passing, and she'll have to tell me everyone she goes to the gym with or sees at the gym, plus the coffees they have after, plus subsequent plans they've made.

If I were to ask how the party she went to was, she'll tell me absolutely everyone she met there and how they are connected to her - that will be the focal point.

If I ask her to meet up and she can't, she's got to tell me exactly who she does have plans with and in great depth.

Another thing i've noticed is that if I mention someone I've spent time with (usually because I'm answering a direct question of hers), she can't give me a moment, she's got to tell me they know each other better and she'll invariably reminise about a time they spent together. This has happened several times and it just leaves me just feeling a bit crap.

Am I being too sensitive or is my friend deliberately trying to make me feel inferior?

Or just insecure and trying to make herself sound popular and doesn't realise?

I am a discreet person with a close circle or friend and I just find it insensitive to talk about others the whole time I'm with someone, especially if it could lead to them feeling left out. Isn't that normal courtesy?!

She doesn't want a friend, she wants an audience.

That perfectly describes the person I posted about upthread @JacknDiane

Well either your passive aggressive side comes out or it doesn’t. What do you think she’d say if you told her straight that you were sick of hearing all this and can’t she talk about something else? Would it cause an argument or would she be ok with it? You could be straight up honest and say you love meeting her for coffee and you like her as a person but this (see above) is getting too much to hear and makes you feel insecure.

At least if you do the above you get both sides across (from her too) and it’s better than an angry “I don’t like you because of X talk” statement.

@chocolatesnaps

"Am I being too sensitive or is my friend deliberately trying to make me feel inferior?"

For you to feel inferior requires your consent.

She sounds tiresome tbh, try to let her wittering go over your head.

She’s insecure. She does not think her company is enough and she feels she needs to show off who or what she knows so that you will like her more.
Instead it drives you away.
So you can either tell her directly or let things fade.
I know she doesn’t like she’d accept a direct comment.
And always remember she probably meets someone else and drops your name in saying you are her bestest, oldest friend with tales of how your kids grew up together.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain Its a good question. I am genuinely very interested to find out if others would be this open with a friend? I've considered it but for some reason don't feel safe.

Yea, letting things go over my head...gotta work on that ha!

@RampantIvy

I also thought your point about complete lack of social awareness and emotional intelligence is on point.

I had a friend like this - total insecure bore with no proper social life - I ended up dumping her although it took me 30 years!

Yes, this. Some people feel they can only justify their own worth in society based on their connections to others - and ride on their coat-tails e.g. 'I'm clearly a somebody because Mavis is a somebody and I go to the same events as she does'.

@PetulaGordeno exactly, I don't think she'd accept the directness. If I can't be open then our friendship can't heal...

I have experienced similar dynamics, albeit not to the extreme you describe. I never really know if I am paranoid and insecure, or my friend is (consciously or not) trying to make me feel socially inferior, or a bit of both. I suspect a bit of both.

Either way it means I don't really enjoy spending time with her. We are intertwined in our lives at the moment so it is something I have to put up with for now - I am trying to gain strength from knowing that I don't want her life and am mostly very happy with my own, even if I don't have a thousand friends. Are you happy with yours?

Most people shy away from it. Years ago a best friend of mine invited me for a coffee to fix things. Luckily I took it in my stride and tried to improve. But turns out we weren’t such good friends after all, she pushed boundaries I wasn’t comfortable with and even my mum and brother pointed things out she’d done. So we dropped each other. Honestly I don’t miss her. Harsh but true.

For me as I’m quite direct and honest I’m not sure if I’d do as I said, depends on the person. Would I take it in my stride, again depends on the person.

For you it’s tricky as your daughters are friends and she’s a school mum friend. I bet when your daughters go to secondary school both friendships will die out/end naturally.

Oh dear I think I might be your friend... ok joking as I don't think I'm that bad, but I too live in an area where everyone knows everyone and I know A LOT of people so I do find myself doing what your friend does, but I would never mention meet ups to rub it in my other friends' faces or name drop out of nowhere or make it like some sort of competition, it's more like a 'oh yes I ran into them in the gym the other day and they told me that too' for example... maybe it comes across as one upmanship but just to give you another perspective, I myself totally don't ever mean it that way and it's more to relate to what the person I'm having a conversation with is saying, if that makes sense.

Have you tried maybe mentioning it to your friend, maybe even in a jokey way, as she would probably be mortified if she knew she was doing it, and it might prompt her to be a bit more thoughtful about what she says?

I have a friend and a family member like this, I don’t think they’re trying to make me feel inferior, it’s just how their brain works and they need to discuss every detail and relate things back. I don’t get how this would make you feel inferior or makes them insecure, I love them and they love me, can be annoying but they have good traits and I’m sure there are things that annoy them about me

That's not really 'name dropping', that's when people mention famous folk they 'know' to try and impress others.

She's just a crashing bore.

There is another side to this and that is its really frustrating seeing people not do anything with their lives, i have a busy life but i get so frustrated when i see people and they do nothing they dont go out or socialise or go on holiday they just stay indoors and i think what a waste of a life, are they happy who knows, but i get comments like "oh on holiday again" or "youre always out," and i think yeah so could you be and i can feel the jealousy and yet these people earn more money and have more security, i dont brag but if people work and can afford 3 holidays a year good luck to them lifes too short

She just sounds dull and a bit boring, I don't think she's trying to make you feel bad, some people just chat like this (even if it's people I've no clue about and no need to know about). Sil can't tell a story without "so Jo is in marketing and she's best friends with Tom, and Tom and I sometimes get a coffee together with Jon, but Jon doesn't like Jo, so we can't all go together and my friend Sam says its because Jo fancies Jon but anyway we got this new cafe latte and Tom said....." makes me want to eat my own arm off but it's just her way!
If you dislike it, see less of her, or you could just gently say "sorry, is it alright if we don't talk about that, can we talk about xyz instead"

She sounds like an irritating idiot

@Jollyhockeystickss @Marwoodsbigbreak

Both made me lol 😂

I get your point @Harry12345 . I suppose if she showed genuine interest in my life (as I do to her) then maybe I'd feel secure and would cope with all the things I find annoying about her!

She sounds really annoying. Either pull back or start giving zero response when she does this. Change the subject.

I thought you meant like celebs and famous people and stuff. I find that quite interesting!

If it's just 'oh yeah you know Kevin and Jo and Tracy and Mo and Stan and Gary and Sue? Becky did this and Sarah said that' you're just like, erm well I don't know them?! I can see that being pretty dull.

You have to just change the subject. As best you can anyway. I guess they like gossiping about people's lives? So don't tell them too much. Else Gary, Mo, Jo etc from the gym will probably hear all about it!

Just re-reading...Sorry @Jollyhockeystickss , I didn't mean to say your post made me lol...that was @Ireallywantadoughnut36 with the depiction of her Sil 😂.

Actually @Jollyhockeystickss , I thought your post was really insightful and a point of view I had not considered. This friend is (clearly) a total social butterfly with a very very full on social life so maybe I can accept that in part, it's an organic outpouring of that. I am slowly building back my social life, after my last born so there probably is a subconscious insecurity I hadn't really admitted to myself.

That said, I do get a gut feeling that she knows what she's doing and I don't think a true friend acts like that.

Thanks everyone for your input. Much much appreciated x