AIBU to feel put down by a friend who constantly name-drops?

[chocolatesnaps]

I have a friend who constantly name drops and I am trying to work out her intention behind it. We are part of the same community and it's been like this for years.

Each time I meet this friend for coffee, she just seems to spend the whole time listing off all the people she's been hanging out with and it's largely unprompted. For example, we will be talking about the gym, in passing, and she'll have to tell me everyone she goes to the gym with or sees at the gym, plus the coffees they have after, plus subsequent plans they've made.

If I were to ask how the party she went to was, she'll tell me absolutely everyone she met there and how they are connected to her - that will be the focal point.

If I ask her to meet up and she can't, she's got to tell me exactly who she does have plans with and in great depth.

Another thing i've noticed is that if I mention someone I've spent time with (usually because I'm answering a direct question of hers), she can't give me a moment, she's got to tell me they know each other better and she'll invariably reminise about a time they spent together. This has happened several times and it just leaves me just feeling a bit crap.

Am I being too sensitive or is my friend deliberately trying to make me feel inferior?

Or just insecure and trying to make herself sound popular and doesn't realise?

I am a discreet person with a close circle or friend and I just find it insensitive to talk about others the whole time I'm with someone, especially if it could lead to them feeling left out. Isn't that normal courtesy?!

She’s just different to you that’s all and a bit annoying in her ways.

It doesn’t really sound ad though she’s trying to make you feel anything.

She sounds boring. Does she have a fun side too? You could pull back and let the friendship fizzle out

I have a ‘friend’ like this. I tend not to see her much now for that reason. She seems to take great delight in exactly what you mentioned.. ditto how much she’s spent on holidays, how great her kids are. Yawn.

I put it down to insecurity. If you are genuinely happy / content in life you just get on with it and enjoy it without needing to broadcast it or try to make make others feel inferior.

If you can I’d give her a wide birth in a not highly obvious way. My life is better for it!

Thanks @PizzaPunk - yes I do find her a annoying in this regard and she is very different to me.

@somekindof yea i've definitely been pulling back and our relationship is definitely fizzling out. I wouldn't say that there is particularly a fun side to our friendship but our kids grew up together so some nostalgia and that was probably always our glue...

@beasmithwentworth Thanks for sharing this, very much how I feel. I think our relationship is going that way...

I agree, I think it's her insecurities. She does sound a little dull for it though.

Friends are people who you enjoy spending time with and make you feel good about yourself. She doesn't really sound like a friend. You don't have to spend time with her. I wouldn't think too hard about her motivations etc. Just don't see her if you don't have to.

@Happyjoe agreed

@MrAlyakhin I think this is it...everytime I come away from spending time with her, I feel heavy not light. I think I was holding onto the friendship because of shared history.

@chocolatesnaps - exactly this. My ‘friend’ stopped by for a coffee once and spent half an hour doing her usual … oh I spose they’ll be some sore heads around today after X’s party last night! oh you weren’t there were you?’ And so many other comments (unasked for and unprompted) re how it’s a good job she worked so hard as it meant they could go on the 3 holidays they had just booked this year… and more on top.

She left my house and I felt utterly shit about my own life. I decided there and then that I was no longer going to be in this friendship. I have other lovely friends who build you up not seek to make you feel like shit. It’s not normal. You are doing the right thing.

If you do meet up with her again just inwardly laugh and pity her. She’s trying to compete with you for some reason.

My sibling is like this. Remember a Christmas Day I’d asked her if she’d received any nice presents, and she spent the next five minutes listing everything she had got from friends. Never mentioned, or thanked me for, the present I gave her, mind!

I just ignore these monologues of ‘look how great and popular I am’.

People who do this are often insecure, I think.
She's probably not trying to make you feel bad, more likely make herself look better and more popular due to her own lack of confidence.
It sounds pretty boring though. I would probably have zoned out.

My sil is like this, she goes on and on about her mates and social life, and she acts like everyone else has none. Thay we are all sad bastards with no mates so should be jealous, I’ve actively seen her comment on people how they’ve no friends, and in an unpleasant way,

I always just sort of nodded and went along with it, it was always at the back of my mind, mildly irritated in the moment as I got the inference, but didn’t really give enough of a shit. Then for some reason it really started to wind me up, so I matched her energy. Started talking about what I was doing, posting images to social media , for the first time, if we are on the phone she would say oh we have x coming over this weekend, and go on about it, and we’d always just go oh that’s nice, now I’m I get in there first and am like oh I am off with the girls to do this, then I’m traveling for work, husband has been x place blah blah blah what you up to.

and I’ve noticed she now stopped doing it . I think it’s a superiority thing. It made her feel superior. So just match her energy.

Agree with this. She sounds incredibly insecure. And also a bit dull.

I know someone like this. She is the queen of oneupmanship.
She has holidayed everywhere, she tells everyone what a high IQ she has, she is a member if MENSA and likes to tell everyone and has been to Elevenerife.

She also has never had a job where she reported to anyone else and has been manager of this and director of that.

She also lacks the emotional intelligence and social awareness to realise that people are rolling their eyes when she talks about one of her MENSA meetings or when she ran this company or travelled first class to that exotic destination.

I think it’s just how she communicates. Who she is with and the people she meets is important to her so it’s what her mind fixates on to talk about. She probably has no idea it annoys you. She may see it as a point of connection to talk about how she also knows someone you know. She’ll probably be writing a post on Mumsnet about how her old school friend has ghosted her and she has no idea why and she hasn’t done or said anything different from normal…

I am interested in human behaviour and will tell friends long stories about people they have never met . Some people may find that strange and dull ( though presumably not people who frequent Mumsnet : ) ). But the people I am friends with seem to like it.

I wonder why you are friends with this person, you describe yourself as discreet and she is not, you don’t seem to like the way she behaves, you seem to think it’s not appropriate. Chose different friends that have the same values as you and leave her to be who she is. You can’t fix/change people - not your job.

I have had friends in the past that have made me feel awful

I don't think it's name dropping. It's just talking.

Name dropping is like when people round here shoe horn into conversation that the see Peter Kaye at the school gates all the time or that their child is at school with Wayne Rooneys son.

I'd also say name dropping coukd happen at work yo let people know you are in touch with the senior people in big organisations if they're reasonably well known.

She doesn't want a friend @chocolatesnaps, she wants an audience.

I have a friend who talks at me. Not to me, at me. But I find it useful when I've been in my head too much and I need a distraction.

I used to have a friend who knew so many important, interesting people. In her opinion.

Like the one who was 'one of the top ten lawyers in the country'.

She also claimed to know any local celeb she could think of.

I went off her after sitting in a newly renovated pub, when I wondered out loud if the paint they had used (and that I liked) was clay-based.

She called out across the pub to the landlord to ask him, shouting that 'my friend lives in a grade 1 listed Tudor house'.

I realised that I was her friend who 'lived in a grade 1 listed Tudor house'. I got the ick and faded her out.

Shudder.

I have a friend like this. She comes across as very confident but I think her ‘name dropping’ habit is due to a deep insecurity. I don’t see her often anymore, which suits me well. We still meet up a couple of times a year and overall I enjoy it, which is why I continue.
I agree with other PPs that ultimately, if after seeing your friend you’re coming away feeling worse than before you saw her, it’s time to let the friendship fizzle. I think we all tend to try to maintain friendships based on a one-time shared connection/nostalgia, but one thing I’ve learned growing older is that it is ok to let a friendship go if it’s not bringing anything good into your life.

(edited for typo)

@chocolatesnaps I do wonder how these type of people enjoy the moment if they are always talking about what they’ve done or what they’ve got coming up. They probably didn’t enjoy those times either because they would have been doing the exact same thing at those events too.

@chocolatesnaps she’s probably telling her other friends all about the fabulous meet-ups with you too. She’s just showing up but enjoying nothing and irritating everyone!

I've known people like this. I felt like they were trying to put me in my place in the pecking order ie socially her inferior. One of them was at work and crowed about getting a promotion. When I confirmed I had also got one in the same round she actually seemed annoyed and huffed off, despite me having just warmly congratulated her for hers.

It's useful in some ways when people show their colours like this. You know you don't need to bother making time and effort for them.

Is she wealthy? A lot of private school or upper class people tend to talk like this where they constantly mention names and networks. Many use it as a way of testing out your social background to see if you will recognise or also be connected to one of those people. For instance, she might namedrop a person who is discreetly incredibly wealthy but only those around them know that. She's waiting for you to gasp or say something like "Oooh I heard he made a huge exit with the company, how is he doing now?". Or you might pick up a surname and say " I went to school with a XXX! Is that her sibling?" or "My DH works with a XXX at the hospital, is he also a doctor there?".

If you don't react at all to any of the names then it just shows you don't have any common circles of friends. It's less likely that she's mentioning names just to show off because that obviously doesn't work if you don't know who those people are. And she's clearly not meeting celebrities like Taylor Swift or Harry Styles.

The other possibility is that she's just not very smart. She's simply a shallow person because her conversations can't go beyond a descriptive level of people she meets and various plans she's making. That's literally a 6 year old level of cognition and conversation. Children always talk about their friends and what they did because they lack the analytical skills to form deeper thoughts. They tend to talk in a stream of consciousness that are only descriptive sentences of events or people. Some adults who lack education and critical thinking spend their whole lives stuck in that mode as well.

Wow thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses - much appreciated. Sorry I can't reply to everyone.

@Backawayfromthesausage she sounds exactly like my friend ha! From time to time I've also tried to match the energy but I just always feel a bit icky after it! If it works though...

@JacknDiane exactly this and as such I don't feel like she is taking any interest in me!

@ZenNudist yes I think I've misused the term 'name dropping' a bit here but I think I got my point across.

@Cherryblossombaby We are friends because of our kids being at school together and same social group. Our girls are not super close now but still in each others lives. There's a lot of memories from toddler years etc...I guess this sentimental stuff can blur the lines. We are also part of a school community and our kids do sport together so I have to strike a balance in how I relate to her.

Good point on not trying to fix people...I guess I just want to really weigh things up before I remove myself further....

@Hotlipshoolahan I'd actually never ghost her, for the reasons above but also because I think it's just mean. That said, we've been hanging out less, steered by me, and I'm sure that shift comes across as a bit cold, even though I've tried to be polite. If I keep hanging out with her, I fear my passive aggressive side will come out...