To be sick of people comparing grief?

[enginesounds]

for context, I lost my grandad approx 10 years ago (when I was in my teens). He was my best friend and he and my grandma practically raised me due to my rubbish parents! Everyone used to say that we were peas in a pod, I’d go anywhere and do anything if he was attending.

Recently, I mentioned taking some flowers to him for Father’s Day and said I find it quite hard as I miss him.

A colleague piped up and said “really? Wow! I’d have thought you’d be over it by 10 years passing. My grandad died when I was 6 and I was never really bothered. It’s not like when you lose a parent”

My first issue with this was that she arguably did not know her grandad as well as I did, as I spent more time with him to have such a close relationship.

Secondly, I appreciate we probably had a more typical father-daughter bond, but I don’t see how that’s anyone’s business really.

My main issue though is that I don't see the need to compare grief in such a way? I’ve had similar comments before about how losing grandparents is not a big deal, and I just think it’s cruel.

A friend of mine was widowed very young. She married her husband as he was terminally ill but they had been together since high school. She told me that a person had once suggested that she was clearly over the loss as she had recently started to date again.

When I moved out on my own I got a pet cat, she was my whole entire world. It was just me and her. She died of a heart attack last year and I still have an ache in my chest when I think of her. Someone recently told me “she’s only a cat, how can you still be bothered?”

i just feel that whilst YOU may have gotten over something, who is to say that someone else should have done? Why must people insist that certain grief is harder or not? Can’t we all console and support each other in our own feelings?

why do we feel the need to have a race to who has it the worst? And why do we need to compare who’s grief is somehow more valid?

aibu to be annoyed by how rude people can be about grief?

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am very touched by what you have written and I am also very sorry for your own losses 🤍

You do have a good point, but I think the OP is talking about say, a woman having a miscarriage, and being understandably upset, and another woman saying 'yeah but I've had TWO, you can't imagine the grief of having TWO.' Basically downplaying the other woman's grief. Like she's not allowed to be as upset.

And my DC have a friend (aged 28,) whose mother took her own life aged 53 last year, and one of her work colleagues said 'my sister took her own life 10 years ago at only 39, you haven't got a clue! She was way younger than your mum!' I mean, how bloody cruel. The young woman went into the toilets and burst into tears, and grabbed her bag and coat and went home.

People trying to top trump grief is really unpleasant.

I think grief changes with time. you get to the point of acceptance instead of anger/raw pain, but it still hurts. I shed the odd tear over my parents 10/11 years after their deaths and have a mourning half hour, but most of the time I have the happy memories. I'll never stop mourning for them, but it's not like the early days. Time indeed heals - but not completely.

OP, your colleague was really crass. I try to think we'll of people and that the tactless ones have not experienced a serious loss.They probably will at some point and might cringe if they remember what they said to others. We learn a lot by going through an experience ourselves - not many people find strong empathy that easy.

Everyone is different.

Grief is complex.

It's completely different when someone elderly passes away in comparison to a child.

x

Yes this is exactly the kind of thing I mean!

I hate this too.

Why is grief like a competition to some people? Like they say well your situation isn't as bad as mine, type thing.

Grief is very personal to us all. How we feel about it, can't be measured by circumstances.

I miss my 90 odd year old grandmother who died like 3 years ago just as much my brother who committed suicide quite a lot of years earlier.

One may argue that the situations are very different and maybe they are. However, my love for them was equal and I miss and grieve them always.

There is room for all different types.

You LITERALLY feel others pain? You sure?

how do I make this post about me

Totally. My granddad died 11 years ago when I was 37 and it still upsets me. Same with deceased pets. Your colleague's comment about it not being the same as a parent is daft too. I miss my granddad way more than my father, who never appeared to like me much. Other people don't know what the relationship was like.

As someone who has been through the death of a child, I agree. But I would never say this in the outside world.

These people are twats. It's not a competition and you cannot put yourself in someone else's shoes and know the tiny details of a relationship and how close/meaningful it is.
The easy and obvious thing to do is surely to respect everyone's feelings and not try to compare or judge.
I say 'easy and obvious', but clearly these people find it hard to empathise or respect others' feelings and experiences. Fuck 'em.

I think you would be well within your rights to say it in the outside world anyone who thinks losing a child isn't the worst loss imaginable are delusional

No one has the right to tell you how you should ‘feel’ and for how long. I lost my grandad 60 years ago this year and I still remember the impact his death had on everyone and how inside I still feel that loss.

I can completely empathise that losing a child is the worst loss imaginable - no one should outlive their children. However, I would say that wasn’t really the point of my post. Losing a child is so unnatural that I think it probably is something you can categorise as “the worst” but I’d argue all other areas of grief are so personal that it’s not up to others to judge which is harder or should be got over etc. I hope that makes some sense!

I did lose a child and I never mind about people talking about their losses, pet or human. To feel otherwise is inhumane, for me there isn't a hierarchy of grief.

I disagree and losing a child is significantly above losing a pet

Have you lost a child? Or a pet? And I am not saying they are the same, I am saying that getting into competitive grief doesn't work for me and my baby died as a result of medical negligence, possibly the "worst". But I just don't feel that belittles everyone else's loss. I also love my animals/family/friends and feel it hard when they die. Also when people mention another loss they have had I don't think they are trying to trump my loss, surely they're just saying something along the lines of - "Death sucks, it hurts, loss is awful, I understand" and I think they do.

Yes it is cruel of people to say that but personally I only discuss my grief with close friends. I’m a closed book to people I dont know well. I would never pass negative comment on the magnitude of someone’s else grief. Plus it’s such a complicated thing that encompasses so many different facets which can affect us in different ways long after the actual loss.

Do you talk about your grief often to get these comments? They sound as though they are in response to comments you've made.

I still miss my grandad and it was 40 years ago. He was a lovely man and a fantastic grandad despite his poor health and he clearly adored his grandchildren.

Someone who has grieved

Obviously you don't make comparisons to people in person (though I know some do). There aren't any grief olympics but not all grief is equal.

I was sad when my grandmother died but we could all say how much we'd miss her but she had a full life, so she was fortunate. My child dying was and still is absolute devastation. Death out of order, or by means such as murder or suicide or some other super traumatic way, is harder than a life fully lived.

I also imagine a minor child losing a parent is a particularly hard kind of grief.

I will be devastated when my DH dies but I knew that one of us would eventually lose the other. If we're older, it's the natural order. Losing a parent and grandparent, to be expected. Losing a child, absolutely devastating.

I did have someone tell me they knew how they felt as they'd lost their cat. No, you really don't. I don't doubt it was really hard for them but come back when they've lost a child and tell me it's the same then.

There’s a type of person who thinks grief should be a linear journey and time limited. And maybe for them it is. They find grief or sadness self-indulgent after some imaginary cutoff. I’m thinking too of posters on another thread that don’t really miss people when they’re away—not partners or children, dear friends or parents. Happy to see them, but seldom or never think about them when they’re absent. Could these rude people also have something like that? Or, maybe they’re just devoid of any empathy.

But everyone' grief is their own how can you say that you have created a ladder of grief. It's very personal to that person and their relationship.

I think that us unfair to that person that might be the most grief they have felt to them its their grief. Saying all grief is not equal is a bit insensitive. We each experience life through our perspective and pain.