To be sick of people comparing grief?

[enginesounds]

for context, I lost my grandad approx 10 years ago (when I was in my teens). He was my best friend and he and my grandma practically raised me due to my rubbish parents! Everyone used to say that we were peas in a pod, I’d go anywhere and do anything if he was attending.

Recently, I mentioned taking some flowers to him for Father’s Day and said I find it quite hard as I miss him.

A colleague piped up and said “really? Wow! I’d have thought you’d be over it by 10 years passing. My grandad died when I was 6 and I was never really bothered. It’s not like when you lose a parent”

My first issue with this was that she arguably did not know her grandad as well as I did, as I spent more time with him to have such a close relationship.

Secondly, I appreciate we probably had a more typical father-daughter bond, but I don’t see how that’s anyone’s business really.

My main issue though is that I don't see the need to compare grief in such a way? I’ve had similar comments before about how losing grandparents is not a big deal, and I just think it’s cruel.

A friend of mine was widowed very young. She married her husband as he was terminally ill but they had been together since high school. She told me that a person had once suggested that she was clearly over the loss as she had recently started to date again.

When I moved out on my own I got a pet cat, she was my whole entire world. It was just me and her. She died of a heart attack last year and I still have an ache in my chest when I think of her. Someone recently told me “she’s only a cat, how can you still be bothered?”

i just feel that whilst YOU may have gotten over something, who is to say that someone else should have done? Why must people insist that certain grief is harder or not? Can’t we all console and support each other in our own feelings?

why do we feel the need to have a race to who has it the worst? And why do we need to compare who’s grief is somehow more valid?

aibu to be annoyed by how rude people can be about grief?

Because certain grief is harder then others if I lost a child and someone started talking about their dead cat I wouldn't take it well

Sorry for your losses. Hugs b/c feeling them is totally normal. I still dream about my GPs and they all died decades ago. And I miss my dog, sometimes I dream about her.

You are a very empathetic person and many people are not. My DSis works in HR and finds that many people can't see past their own noses.

These things are different for everyone and some people believe that their experience is 'normal' so when they hear of someone feeling differently, they have no way to process it except to say (often loudly) it's different from how they feel.

I’m not for a second suggesting that I would do that, the context of the conversations I mentioned were not at all like that.

Surely you can see that someone may not care if their dad died, but would be devastated to lose a grandma, and that those two things are find and don’t need to be compared as one being worse than the other?

thank you for your kind words, and I am sorry for your losses to. How lovely that you still get to spend time with the people you love in your dreams, I am always so happy to dream of my grandad 🤍

my partner always jokes that I’m too empathetic, sometimes I get sad seeing an elderly person struggling on their own, or I won’t watch a scene of cruelty in a film. I assumed that was just normal, but as you say perhaps not! I have always been sensitive so I assume it feeds into this

I don’t know of anyone who does this. Seems very callous. Like Grief Top Trumps.

Do you have ADHD? I have it and i literally feel other people’s pain. It’s hard sometimes.

That’s my point, it feels so unnecessary and mean

I don’t think I do, though my mother has always insisted she thinks I do. Never sought any kind of diagnosis or anything though.

I have always struggled with big feelings of anxiety and I did recently read an article that anxiety is often a symptom of adhd in girls, so I suppose it is possible

Absolutely your colleague is a dick and I agree with parts of what you wrote.

People totally lack empathy. It's as simple as that.

I think many people are keen to show support by sharing that they too have experience of grief. It comes across as callous, as 'my grief is greater than yours' but often I think it is meant as sympathy and solidarity: you're mourning your XX and I mourn(ed) my YY.

I think it’s natural to mentally compare grief but it’s pretty crass to say it out loud! Sounds like some of these people have been really insensitive.

When my mum died suddenly, I had the most incredibly weird comments from some people. One colleague told me she understood grief because she went through deep loss when her wedding had to be cancelled during lockdown. Another person told me she empathised as she went through something similar when her rabbit died.

And oh my personal favourite, a colleague texted to offer her condolences and added a p.s to say that my mum’s death made her feel incredibly lucky and grateful
that her own mum was still alive. 🙄

I do think some types of loss are especially cruel for example losing a child and some types are a very specific type of grief- losing someone to murder or suicide for instance.

Gosh I can’t believe someone said they were glad their own mum hadn’t died, how awful!

I do see what others have said re trying to empathise by tying it to their own grief, so I can understand where people come from with their comments.

It’s hard because different people experience it so differently and also have different feelings obviously. So what it serious to one person is nothing to another.

My point was mainly just that it’s much nicer to try and support each other and that points of “it’s only xyz” or “it’s been so long it should be fine” as I think such a thing is cruel

You are right, people should never compare grief as it is subjective as each persons' relationship with the person they lost is unique and to compare their grief, or to dismiss it, like you experienced is callous, wrong, uncompassionate and downright ignorant.

Sometimes people do not always know how to respond when people share their grief with them as they may not mean any harm but just don't have the life experience to know how to react, or they do and overload the person who is grieving with their own burdons.

Definitely a difference if someone was murdered etc and I do completely understand that. I suppose to a certain extent most deaths are unexpected, but sometimes more so.

I also agree re losing a child as it’s something that’s never supposed to happen. You should always outlive your children whereas you know your pets, grandparents etc will die before you if things happen the ‘right’ way.

I still think though to say “this person dying is nothing compared to xyz” is cruel regardless. Or to suggest that certain grief has a timescale is also unfair when it is so individual

Yes I do completely understand people who are trying their best to be kind or helpful and come out with the wrong thing!

I think I was thinking more of people who make unkind comments about “getting over it” etc, like you say, who I think are cruel

My ex bf said to me that he thought we should have a break when my mum passed away because it was boring spending time with me because I was sad.

Grief isnt a competitive sport. Everyone's grief is personal to them, whether its a long gone grandparent, a sibling, a child, a good friend, or a cat.
Yes people are allowed to grieve for a lost pet !!

That is actually one of the worst things I have heard, I am so sorry he said that! What an arse! I’m sure you didn’t feel it at the time but clearly you’re better off without him ❤️

He literally had no empathy at all. He couldn’t even acknowledge that what he had said was horrible.

Fucking douche !

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Grief is very personal to the individual. I've lost people to suicide, cancer and alcoholism.

I've lost beloved pets, one of whom was my soul dog.

I think when people say silly things, for example when I lost a loved one to suicide, a lady I knew said, "don't worry, you'll get over it". I was shocked by what she said, but in reality i don't think she knew what to say, i think she said it because she felt awkward, and a lack of life experience. She hadn't suffered any major bereavement, so couldn't empathise with me.

Sometimes pets are people's world, people are often closer to their pets than family members, so their grief at losing that pet may be greater than losing a family member they've become estranged with.

So you might have all sorts of weird comparisons when it comes to grief. And those saying that you should be over it by now are ridiculous, you never get over a death, you learn to live with the pain and you adjust your life. Those people again have little life experience, empathy and sympathy.

Every persons experience of death is unique to them. There is no comparison when it comes to grief. Grief is grief, it hurts it's painful. There is no timeline to grief, we just learn to live with it.

I've learnt that people say stupid things, they don't mean it personally, most times it's because they're just filling the silence with words, words they haven't thought about, words that have escaped their mouth before the brain has thought about it!

So I get what you're saying OP.

Big hugs xxx

I do think grief is different. You can be incredibly sad about losing a 90 year old grandma and grieve them heavily. But there are some losses that punch a hole in your entire being that never heals. A parent when you are still young. A spouse. A child. I lost my daughter very suddenly last year, and it’s changed me. On a molecular level I feel altered forever. I’ve also lost a grandmother who raised me. I still grieve her 20 years later but it’s not the same.

But is it really a feeling of grief after 20 years?

This is exactly the kind of comment I was referring to, who are you to judge this?