AIBU to mention seeing my friend's baby crying at nursery?

[idontfeellikedancin]

I was walking by a nursery this morning and was aware of hearing a very upset baby. As I passed I saw my friend’s baby sitting in a baby swing seat. She was crying hard, not screaming, but the sound was very upsetting. A member of staff was facing her but not within reach and not offering any words of comfort. Again, I was not trying to look but I did stop, sort of dumbfounded when I realised I knew the baby. It’s hard to explain the fencing but you obviously don’t get a clear view, it’s just a quick sliver of a view as you pass. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it had I not known the baby. She was just on this swing sobbing her heart out. I walked on once I’d given my head a wobble(!) but it’s been niggling me!

My friend did say that settling had been rough, but that was a month ago (so the settling would have been prior to that).

I will see her tomorrow and I’m wondering if I should say anything? Would you? I obviously don’t want to worry her, but it really concerned me that her baby was being left to cry in a swing (possibly put in a swing because she was crying?). Any nursery workers able to shed light?

Well ratios in group childcare aren't one to one so unfortunately some babies do cry without comfort on some occasions.

This is what happens in child care settings like nursery. 4 to 1 means 3 will always miss out at some point.

How old?

What was the staff member who was facing her doing?

My eldest used to get herself into such a state when she was little (probably around 12-18 months) where she’d cry and cry but there was nothing to do but wait it out. Any attempt to comfort or distract her led to increased anger. So I would just sit nearby, not too close, so she knew I was there. But anyone looking through the window would have thought I was a monster, ignoring a sobbing child!

It happens in any childcare including at home when there is more than one child. It may even happen less at nursery because unless all the children are crying simultaneously there are a fair few staff members who can step in if the assigned key worker is busy.

I'm not saying it negatively, it's just the fact of the situation.

Nope I wouldn't say anything. 2 babies I know have been upset when I've picked up my son. The staff are honest with the parents about how their kids day has gone. I wouldn't be admitted to watching a nursery garden either.

Don't say anything at ALL. Nursery staff do not provide one-to-one care even for babies, so there will be moments when a baby cries and there is no-one with a free hand. Your friend KNEW this might happen when she put her child in group care. The only thing telling her will do is make her feel extremely guilty that she is not a stay at home mum or able to afford a private nanny to give her baby 1-2-1 at all times.

Hmmmmmm, depends-
does she have any other options for childcare?
does she think her baby is now happy and settled- maybe you could ask that first?
would she be shocked/upset?
does her baby sometimes just cry like pp?

Yeah, I figured I would ask how it’s been going anyway, even if I hadn’t seen this. So that’s what I’ll do.

To the previous posters talking about ratios, this is what shocked me really, that there was a staff member available to my friend’s child and the staff member was sitting watching her in the swing but just not comforting her. But as PP said, it might have been a reasoned choice. I just wondered if any nursery staff had any input on this. It looked so sad.

my younger two screamed the place down for about 20mins after drop off for about 4 months. Didn't matter if someone was holding them or they were in a chair. I stalked the nursery and regularly popped in to check at different times (not being seen by dc). Tailed off after that but omg it was tough

I would definitely say something.
pps being all fatalistic about this is just what happens when you use nurseries - no!
I would want to be told if I was the mum.

I wouldn’t say anything, babies cry and don’t need to be picked up every time.

I don’t agree, many babies don’t cry as a matter of course
we need to aim higher for our babies

I'd ask your friend how does she feel her baby is settling into nursery now. See what she says. If she hasn't any other options but this nursery then telling her will just make her feel guilty and upset but if there are other nurseries around or she has family care options then I'd tell her. Her baby might be teething.

I’d 100% say something. This isn’t ok. If a staff member was talking to the baby or holding him/her then that’s different but in a swing, alone and being ignored is not ok. I can’t believe how many people are saying don’t say anything! Unless you email the nursery as a concerned member of the public, anonymously and say what you witnessed? Please say something. This makes me sad and worried in all honesty. Your gut definitely was telling you to be concerned, don’t ignore it.

Also, you say you found it upsetting, which to me is a human response to something that is not right. I think the fact the staff member was there staring and not being responsive is what is worrying - if the staff member had been busy with another child and talking to crying baby / trying to include them or attempting to involve them with toys in a group then that’s possible with ratios of 1:4. This sounds lazy and unresponsive and uncaring.

This sounds horrible I agree. I would 100% tell your friend and I would remove my own children from a nursery that doesn’t comfort upset children and leaves them to cry.

My daughter was also one of those children who needed space if she was upset. I used to sit beside her and tell her that I was ready for her when she wanted me and she would cry and cry until she was ready and then she would give a cue through the tears, either saying mamma or reaching out for me at which point I would pick her up and comfort her immediately. If I tried to do it before then she would just get worse and start lashing out.
So it could have been that this is what the nursery worker was doing if she was sitting there with her. But I definitely don't think there is anything wrong with asking how she is getting on and sussing out from there if you should maybe say something. I dont agree with the posters saying not to say, I would definitely want to know about my kid being upset at nursery, I want to know how they are doing when I'm not there, but it may be that she already does know if the staff are open and have good communication.

I agree. Comforting babies is a good for them. They have emotional needs not just physical ones.
I'd mention you walked past and saw her baby. She'll probably ask what you saw and I'd be truthful.

I would tell her. It must be hard enough putting a baby in daycare as it is, you’d at least hope they’re being looked after properly.

In my nearly 9 years of having children in a private nursery I only ever saw one baby as you describe. I asked the staff and they said the Mother knew and...I can't remember what now (years ago!), but whatever it was, it did reassure me.
It was distressing though.
Obviously there would be the odd child having a cry and being comforted, even if not being held because the carer had another baby in their arms, but no, a sobbing baby not being comforted in any way doesn't sound right.

100% agree. 6 years experience here.

YABU. You say you couldn’t see clearly - so you have no idea what was happening.

Kids cry. They don’t need immediate comfort every single time.

You cannot have a 1:1 ratio of baby to adult unless you are a FTM and prepared to attach yourself to your baby 24/7, normally losing yourself in the process.

Even as a super dooper MN dedicated Mum (the ones that NEVER let their babies cry ever), you still sometimes have to leave your child whilst you have a wee or are on the phone. And if you have more than one child - well, then you have to choose!

A child minder is also not 1:1.

Do not tell your friend. If the nursery are concerned, they will talk to her.

Ex nursery nurse here and baby room senior.

Im.sorry to hear thag little one was having a rough day. There are obviously things to consider was she overtired and they were using the swing to try and get her back to sleep ie overtired fractions baby whondoesnt realise she needs sleep and doesn't want cuddling etc. You didnt aay if this was a swinging chair or a swing in the garden?

Was she going through a bit of a phase ie teething you didnt say how old the baby was?

We had one baby my room went upto 19 months who had been with use for a long time whk would get like this because she just wanted to be picked up by a certain member kf staggnovciously if that member if staff was feeding or supporting another baby that couldn't always happen and she didnt want anything else she wa svery happy once picked up. Mum said she wa like this at home and we had discussed Waltham as long as we were close by that sometimes it was OK for her to be cross that she wasnt being picked up and carried around by the staff member as long as generally she was fed/clean etc. She just wanted to shout.

Is she in the atternath of injections where she is going to be miserable and the calpol is wearing of and she doesn't want anyone / anything.

I had 1 baby who didnt like when I went in lunch and would shift for that duration even though the rest of the staff were there, offering everything I did and would only stop when nice came back literally as soon as I came back into the room. Inhad ton
have lunch.