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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my partner is treating me badly and denying it?

39 replies

minnieminnie · Today 16:21

I have zero idea if I’m losing my mind. My DP is a bit moody but I’ve never known this period time of him being moody. We live together and have done for 3 years. He has 2 children from a previous relationship.

I thought it was the heat, so didn’t say much about it. Didn’t initiate any contact, no physical affection, just generally shitty and snappy with him. Examples like, if I made his children dinner I’d given them the wrong plates (the ones we always use), and that you don’t eat potatoes with a fork. The kids then mimicked him and made me look stupid “silly Minnie doesn’t know how to eat potatoes”.

He recently told me he wanted to reduce his drinking and “not take the piss” as he’s out near enough every night and then goes to the pub after with his mates for around an hour. Sometimes this means I’m left with the kids alone, albeit they’re asleep. So I took his word for that, but on Friday he did his hobby and then went the pub… I pointed his out and he said “I don’t need your judgements, it’s the weekend”.

I tried to be nice to him all weekend, went to see him do his hobby all day on Saturday and bought the kids games they’d wanted. But he’s just been so so cold - not talking, one word answers, just moody.

I was paying our bills last night and he was muttering under his breath that I was texting and not watching the tv with him… what?

Also tmi but we usually have sex daily but haven’t for around a week now.

I asked him if anything was wrong but he said im paranoid, im creating a strange narrative in my head and im being very strange.

Today he came in with his kids to my home office and they all started playing there. I politely asked them to go downstairs til id finished. Dp smirked at me. I said “this is what i mean, what’s up?” And he told me to go to a doctor.

I’m so fed up with my life.

OP posts:
itwasyourshowallalong · Today 16:23

Run fast, run far, be happy

DistanceCall · Today 16:25

I think you know the answer already, but it's really hard to accept (I've been there myself). He doesn't love you, and he's a horrible person. Life is – truly – too short to waste on someone like him.

And of course you eat potatoes with a fork. Arsehole.

Marwoodsbigbreak · Today 16:25

Get rid of him and his kids. 💐

Tashface · Today 16:26

He doesn’t want to be with you any more.

Lmnop22 · Today 16:27

He’s using you to raise his kids for him.

Run don’t walk away from this waste of space!

nomas · Today 16:27

You are an unpaid nanny and cook for his kids and sex on tap for him.

There is nothing worth saving here.

Idontjetwashthefucker · Today 16:28

Yikes, he doesn't even like you...whose house do you live in?

Darragon · Today 16:29

Dear Gareth, Welcome to dumpsville. Population: You

Obv change name as necessary.

Pinkflamingo10 · Today 16:31

You are a nanny with a fanny
Leave

GOATYOAT · Today 16:31

Not sure how long you’ve been together, but this is completely unacceptable. Seems like he wants to create his own narrative. I would be fucked if I woukd do anything to appease this man.

You have no children with him so I suggest you get rid ASAP and put all that effort you waste by thinking about him and how to make him less nasty into living your best life.

You have not mentioned all of his good points…I wonder why- not!

Glendaruel · Today 16:32

How do you eat potatos if not with a fork?

Userengage · Today 16:34

I hope it’s your place and you are going to kick him out. Looking after HIS children whilst he’s in the pub and treating you poorly to boot.
Read your first post back to yourself and catch up.

toomuchfaff · Today 16:36

Another cocklodger. You're the nanny with a fanny!

What do you get out of this relationship aside from looking after his kids whilst he lives his life and treats you like shit?

Id be dumping his arse today and telling him he needs to get him and his kids suitable accomodation because the door is shutting on his way out.

He despises you.

Bananalanacake · Today 16:36

How often do his kids stay with you?
What would have happened if you had insisted on having a relationship but not living together until the youngest kid is 18.
So he goes out and expects you to look after his kids. Have you heard the term,, Nanny with a Fanny.

Naurrr · Today 16:36

Dump him with no discussions and enjoy the blissful future that awaits you.
A boyfriend is for enhancing every aspect of your life, making it easier and fun. That's the entire point of a relationship.

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · Today 16:37

Glendaruel · Today 16:32

How do you eat potatos if not with a fork?

I imagine this neanderthal uses his clenched knuckles.

Who's house is this?

toomuchfaff · Today 16:43

I put your OP onto google to see its assessment. Its far more eloquent than me but highlights what many are picking up.

This poster is experiencing severe gaslighting and a highly toxic dynamic known as "the freeze-out." Her partner is behaving abominably, and then telling her she is the one losing her mind for noticing it.
Here is an objective relationship analysis of this post.

Text-Book Red Flags
Classic Gaslighting: When she asks what is wrong, his responses ("you're paranoid," "creating a strange narrative," "go to a doctor") are textbook gaslighting. He is actively trying to make her doubt her own sanity and reality so he doesn't have to account for his terrible behaviour.
Undermining and Alienation: Allowing and encouraging the children to mock her ("silly Minnie") and smirking when they invade her office space is a massive, structural red flag. He is deliberately eroding her authority and status in her own home, turning it into a "him and the kids vs. her" dynamic.
The "Slow Fade" / Provoking a Breakup: The sudden drop from daily intimacy to a total freeze-out, combined with picking fights over absurd things (like how to eat potatoes or what plate to use), strongly suggests he wants out of the relationship. Cowardly partners often act so unbearably mean that they force the other person to do the breaking up, allowing them to play the victim later.
Financial and Domestic Exploitation: She is left babysitting his children while he drinks daily with mates, and she is the one physically sitting down doing the mental load of paying their bills. Yet, he still mutters insults under his breath. He treats her like a live-in nanny and accountant, not a partner.

this post highlights three critical relationship warning signs:
Sudden Personality Shifts + Denial = Trouble: If a partner's behavior changes drastically and their response to a gentle check-in is aggression or calling you "crazy," something is hidden. Safe partners respond to "Is everything okay?" with reassurance or an honest conversation, not psychological warfare.
The Snapping Threshold: When a partner starts picking fights over entirely neutral, everyday things (like using the wrong plate or eating a potato with a fork), it means they have lost basic respect for you. The issue is never the potato; the issue is that they are irritated by your very presence.
How They Handle Your Boundaries: A healthy partner respects a "Could you take the kids downstairs while I finish work?" request. Coming into her office, refusing to leave, and smirking is a deliberate display of dominance and disrespect.

(DP) is actively treating her poorly, checking out of the relationship, and using emotional cruelty to destabilize her.

The advice to her would be swift: plan a quiet, safe exit strategy, because this man has checked out and is now just punishing her for existing.

In summary - run dont walk.

Keroppi · Today 16:44

He doesn't like you very much does he? And yet you're running around watching his boring hobby and trying to be nice and bending yourself in every which way - dancing to his tune because he is being moody and mean. Get a grip of yourself starting today! Starting today no trying to read his moods - you steel your nerves and I G N O R E !!!!
He will go nuts trying to get you to badger after him with the "what's wrong 🥺" routine. Ignore! Tell him "if you have something to discuss/talk about/ let's talk at bedtime" etc or something similar.

Do not reward passive aggression. Force him to be direct.
Write stuff he does down so you know you ARE NOT going crazy. He is manipulating you - sorry.

Stop doing all the extra stuff you do to make his kids life easier.
Tell him honestly "you're not treating me with respect or kindness right now - why?" If he gets defensive and doesn't give you an honest answer then resume ignoring.

I'd also be thinking maybe he is starting a narrative to cheat ? Or he's projecting and has done something whether it's spending loads of money on drink I'm not sure.

Naurrr · Today 16:44

I think people posting here want replies from other people, not ai slop.

BountifulPantry · Today 16:45

How soon can you remove this specimen from your life?

Myfridgeiscool · Today 16:53

Set yourself free from this hell OP. He sounds dreadful.

nomas · Today 16:54

toomuchfaff · Today 16:43

I put your OP onto google to see its assessment. Its far more eloquent than me but highlights what many are picking up.

This poster is experiencing severe gaslighting and a highly toxic dynamic known as "the freeze-out." Her partner is behaving abominably, and then telling her she is the one losing her mind for noticing it.
Here is an objective relationship analysis of this post.

Text-Book Red Flags
Classic Gaslighting: When she asks what is wrong, his responses ("you're paranoid," "creating a strange narrative," "go to a doctor") are textbook gaslighting. He is actively trying to make her doubt her own sanity and reality so he doesn't have to account for his terrible behaviour.
Undermining and Alienation: Allowing and encouraging the children to mock her ("silly Minnie") and smirking when they invade her office space is a massive, structural red flag. He is deliberately eroding her authority and status in her own home, turning it into a "him and the kids vs. her" dynamic.
The "Slow Fade" / Provoking a Breakup: The sudden drop from daily intimacy to a total freeze-out, combined with picking fights over absurd things (like how to eat potatoes or what plate to use), strongly suggests he wants out of the relationship. Cowardly partners often act so unbearably mean that they force the other person to do the breaking up, allowing them to play the victim later.
Financial and Domestic Exploitation: She is left babysitting his children while he drinks daily with mates, and she is the one physically sitting down doing the mental load of paying their bills. Yet, he still mutters insults under his breath. He treats her like a live-in nanny and accountant, not a partner.

this post highlights three critical relationship warning signs:
Sudden Personality Shifts + Denial = Trouble: If a partner's behavior changes drastically and their response to a gentle check-in is aggression or calling you "crazy," something is hidden. Safe partners respond to "Is everything okay?" with reassurance or an honest conversation, not psychological warfare.
The Snapping Threshold: When a partner starts picking fights over entirely neutral, everyday things (like using the wrong plate or eating a potato with a fork), it means they have lost basic respect for you. The issue is never the potato; the issue is that they are irritated by your very presence.
How They Handle Your Boundaries: A healthy partner respects a "Could you take the kids downstairs while I finish work?" request. Coming into her office, refusing to leave, and smirking is a deliberate display of dominance and disrespect.

(DP) is actively treating her poorly, checking out of the relationship, and using emotional cruelty to destabilize her.

The advice to her would be swift: plan a quiet, safe exit strategy, because this man has checked out and is now just punishing her for existing.

In summary - run dont walk.

No one's going to read all that though, including OP. At least ask AI to whittle it down to 3 bullet points.

toomuchfaff · Today 17:22

nomas · Today 16:54

No one's going to read all that though, including OP. At least ask AI to whittle it down to 3 bullet points.

You might not, but OP might. That was the person I was trying to help. Not you.

Thanks for the comment.

I can provide the information but I cant understand it for you. If you need it more succinctly maybe put it into Google and get it to bullet it for you.

purplecorkheart · Today 17:25

Make him an ex fast. Hopefully it is your house. Kick him ans his kids our. Not your problem where he takes them.

Bringemout · Today 17:25

Sorry Op he doesn’t like you but thinks he can behave like this because you won’t break up the relationship. Bringing the kids into your office on purpose and smirking at you smacks of disdain tbh. Get rid of him.