To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

We don't know what the husband is like. If this thread is real and not a creative writing exercise then OP is a highly unreliable narrator.

Was there booze at this party? I think you should go to bed now and sleep it off.

I totally disagree...if your husband can't behave with loyalty at a party you are hosting TOGETHER then he doesn't even meet the bar of friend let alone life partner

OP invited old friends because he hadn't got any and perhaps to show they were strong...hardly a crime

To leave your own party is just gross

Politely, are you drunk? This all seems very teenage. Your husband failed a test, what a strange thing to say. Your poor daughter if she really said that to you. You do seem to of created a lot of drama about nothing. You think your husband should man up and leave you because he didn't want to sing a song with you. I would rather deep clean a toilet than sing a duet at such a party. I'm cringing for you. No wonder he fucked off for a walk. You're blaming your old neighbour, what did she do wrong, it's in your head. And shame on you inviting her just to test your husband/marriage etc and show how happy you are. What a mess.

Im sorry this has been so hard for you OP..

Is there anyone you can talk to?

It jumped out to me that you are desperately trying to prove that you were wrong to think there was any problem 9 years ago.. and that you were also desperate to demonstrate that you have matured and are over this behaviour. But there was a problem. Maybe your DH needs to acknowledge that he could have shut the situation down and reassured you.

I think you won't be easy until you work through why you felt you needed to almost show everyone Hey there's nothing wrong with me. I've changed, I am no longer suspicious.
that accusation been brought up a lot? Why do you think now that there was nothing to be suspicious about and that you were over reacting. It sounds like it was, at the very least, an uncomfortable situation for you. 9 years ago. Why deny it. I'm not asking you to answer these questions on here, just saying that it might be worth thinking about why you felt that way.

None of us here know whether anything went on back then, but whether everything was completely above board or not... I can see either situation making a meeting up again in the full glare of your new friends being quite embarrassing for both sides. It's clear that your DH didn't want to take part in a public display in the form of the songs and games. It backfired because I think it was rude of him to walk off and he did that because he was fed up with the whole performative thing.

Since you moved away from the situation and settled in a new place, it was not a great idea to get the friend and her DH back again. It would probably be better not to meet up again.
Talking about it is the way forward.

If it was today, kindly, have you had too much sun / prosecco?

It does not sound your DH hasn’t really done anything wrong, certainly not with this person for the last 9 years. It is clear you’ve had a bit of an error of judgement in inviting this drama into your home. Was it some sort of weird test to him/you/her (very hard to tell tbh)? I think you feeling a bit miffed and a duet not being sung was FAR less dramatic and hurtful as it could have been given the very odd scenario. Get some rest.

You sound like you think you're living in some sort of dramatic fantasy soap opera and are about 15 years old.
Most people just go out for a quiet meal for two for a wedding anniversary.
Inviting some woman you've become fixated on from donkeys years ago to a party is dumb.
The whole party sounds like an absolute cringe fest and, frankly, I don't blame your husband for leaving. I'd have gladly gone with him if I was there.
Maybe it's time to grow up a little?
Maybe you could follow your child's example.

You were trying to make your husbands and guests play children's party games, i assume there was lots of wine involved.

Thank you

I think there is some truth I wanted to show her (not in a mean way but nonetheless) I had better friends now and a nice place - she was my friend first, before H decided he was going to get a crush on her or whatever the fuck it is he had....Because he turned into a fucking schoolboy ...no wait, that is insulting to school age kids.....

Is it that cringey, each couple singing 'their song' or some recent viral trend song like so many mid aged couples dancing to Islands in the stream when the Beckhams netfix docu came out ? Anniversaries are supposed to be sappy like weddings

Whatever, wont be planning anything for a while

🤢

Some folk are unbelievable.

Yes, it is vomit inducingly cringey.

I'm really sorry but yes, it's very cringey.

Agree.

For 9 years he has gone on about your behaviour ruining a friendship after him crushing on her?

What a prick.
Honestly OP, he's the dregs.

Nobody here knows whether any of it was real because we’ve only heard your side of the story. For all we know you might be a paranoid, controlling nightmare.

Some people are being incredibly nasty to the OP and I'm not sure why. In her head this was going to be fine, DH after 9 years of telling her she ruined a friendship by over reacting would see that she was totally fine with the old group together that he clearly missed, both would've been happy. She planned on doing something her DH had no problems doing last year without the old friends, so I can see why she would be thinking he's only not doing it now because of the the woman he had a crush on, which OP felt was well in the past. That may or not be the case, but the feelings are understandable.

Do you have an anniversary party every year?

OK facts were this (and if this outing, I cant seem to care right now)

They moved in, she friended me - she was looking for a job, new to the city, husband settling in at new jobs, kids knew french rather than English as first langauge - I warmly embraced her into my old community group, called her to all my parties, tried to help her network for a job , had her kids over all the time to play , made casseroles for her when she sprained her neck for a week

Then H suddenly decides he is going to coach a sport he is good at, asked her if she wanted to help him set the club up as she was at a loose end and could use that club to network as was looking for something in teaching

So she was his 'assistant' for 2 years - then he started dropping her off places after class, started going over in the evenings to hers to have tea and talk about club plans, When I told him it was going overboard, he asked me to stay away from the club, even though I offered to balance my very very busy job out (I am the main bread winner) to help out at the club on fridays. What do the kids know? they were still in primary 9 years ago

I cant go on with the story. Fuck.

Good question! Surely that's a bit unusual? Most people only have one for milestone anniversaries.

Thank you, I am taking this as the others on here are just saying it was darn stupid to call the woman , regardless of 9 or 90 years having passed , and right now I can see that .....I can be dumbly naive sometimes....I cant believe someone would keep bringing it up to deny it for almost a decade - I have admitted a crush to him and allowed him to nip it in the bud over the past two decades ! Also, this guy I was crazy about as a teen, showed up as a friend back on whatsapp and I let DH block him off my phone to make himself feel better

The singing is beyond cringe. And your kid sounds correct, you were drama hunting and made it happen, he walked away to try to stop it.

Op you sound like hard work.
We moved i made loads of mates he`s not made any hahahahah, ill invite someone over i dont like to teast my husband hahahah.
When she leaves i will make some drama with it.

Thats how im reading it.

Perhaps when you called him in to eat he felt embarrassed because it may have felt to him/ looked to her like you were proving a point. I might feel annoyed if my OH expected me to come running like a dog when he calls, especially in company. Perhaps he felt you emasculated him in some way?

The couple themed games are fine for an anniversary, but inviting her to observe them does rather look like you were making a point and marking your territory, quite the opposite of the nonchalant image you wanted to portray.

His reaction is telling though, why did he have such a strong reaction to you calling him in? So strong that he'd rather leave and slightly scupper the party than watch her and her husband/ have her seeing you two doing coupley stuff?

No, I for one do not agree with this. It’s impossible to tell whether some or all of this is merely happening in your head, or whether he still has feelings for this woman. The problem is that it is consuming you, and now everything has come to a head. No one can tell you what is really going on and whether your marriage stands a chance of surviving.

Go to bed, and tomorrow arrange some counselling for yourself, to help you straighten your head and make sense of your feelings. Once you have gained some clarity you’ll be in a better position to make rational decisions.

H wants friends around all the time

He is never that excited about just us , always says its cos he grew up in a huge family

Uh.....