To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

When was the last time either of you saw her before last night

You are literally defining jealousy.

Saying that your DH took her DH for a walk so he could sniff her perfume on her DH's jacket (he wore one in 25 degree heat too) IS batshit.

No, he isn't crazy about her. There's really only one person crazy on this thread.

Do the therapy, don't do the therapy. Spend £50, don't spend £50. But your DH is right about one thing - you don't need therapy to clarify how OTT your responses are.

I thought this was your 20th anniversary. But that was actually 2 years ago? I know that sometimes people fudge details to avoid being identified, but I think the musical chairs and couples duets and all the other specific information you've included are far more outing than shaving a couple of years off the number you've been married.

Do people really invite friends over to celebrate their 22nd anniversary? That seems a bit unusual.

I genuinely hope the therapy helps. You do need to put in the work yourself, though. The therapist won't wave a magic wand that will instantly give you the clarity you're looking for.

The only crazy one here is me, for spending my time reading the entirety of this insane nonsense.

Can I get a lift to the nuthouse @HangryMoose ?

It’s your money, do whatever you want with it. Tell him to mind his own beeswax.

Thank you NattyK, so much wisdom in your post to take in. Thank you for sharing your very moving story. In tears again here. Endless tears. I want to be brave like you. I am so scared of divorce and being alone, I am angry that she will be laughing at me when I am alone in a soulless apartment leaving this place. I am angry, I am scared, I feel hopeless and so so so sad

"Why wont he block her"

because it's coercive @MonicaGeller010203

You seem to have convinced yourself that all will be well in your marriage, if he would just block her/take her out of the equation.

Yet you invite her to a BBQ, because she is not actually a threat, you've just actually concocted it, in your head.

Well then there is your answer. He is choosing her over you so your marriage is over.

Of course I have, but shouting at OP and telling her she’s a lunatic like other posters are is unlikely to be at all fruitful. Best to just try and guide her towards therapy and separation for both their sakes. Like I said, it doesn’t matter who is at fault at this point as she despises him.

You can help yourself. Leave if you want to leave.
You are a professional victim and a pain in the arse over this lady.
See a solicitor and start divorcing him.
Have you worked out why you decided to invite her to eat all your lovely food? I mean you clearly hate her guts. So fake.

Have a look at your finances. Assume a 50/50 split - can you buy him out of the house?

I think if this sort of thing had been around when I was going through this I might have come across the same way. It is truly crazy making. I can’t believe I was ever that person - my 20’s were a rollercoaster.

honestly I’d forgotten what I was like. It’s only as I’ve read through OP’s replies and learnt more about her situation that the similarities have hit me. Mine had additional drug use and occasional violence but the underlying gaslighting and manipulation is identical. Why do we ladies put up with this shit?! (Well I know why I did. Honestly we should all have free therapy as a right of passage to adulthood !)

saw her May 2024 Beardy, can't say for sure re DH, they still meet at the inter club tournaments few times a year I guess because of her DC though even the younger one will not play anymore soon as aged out to adult

He just came and said if I block her what next ? what next? My dad and mum to be blocked next?

I said she is as important as your mum or dad? and he said oh no don't do that, dont try to be clever no.

So it was okay when he blocked my male friend to oblivion for saying wow nice DP is that you now , because he had not seen me since HS graduation until the school whatsapp group 9 years ago. Did he deserve to be rudely blocked ?? what next, my mum?

He must not try to be clever, no.

I know you've posted in good faith, and it's really brave of you to share your experience and try to help, but I don't think OP is coming from the same place.

my parents were like this. Big performative parties that my dad wanted and my mum facilitated to keep him happy. He also used the excuse of coming from a large family.

now they are old and my dad is no longer the strong man of action he saw himself as the wheels have come off completely. My mum goes out as much as possible (no mean feat considering her age and disabilities).
sons dad who is similar sort of man is now alone in a big house and basically a sad old functional alcoholic. If my dad outlast my mum he will be the same.

...............................

Olivia, so if he does not block her at this point, it is over right? And I am not crazy for deciding that its over?

OH my God Natty, yes - he wants these parties, He always said his mum was such a gracious host and I should not isolate him from his friends, he needs friends around all the time like he needs air

You seem to be inviting drama into your life OP

Why didn't you stand up for yourself and say you wouldn't block the old friend? You would have been well within your rights to do so. Demanding approval of the contacts of one's spouse is highly controlling. I can understand why your husband has refused, especially as this woman is someone he knows well. I think he's being hypocritical, since he did the same with your old school friend. Though he may say the situations are different since you didn't know each other well.

Also, you had a high school graduation? Are you from the US?

That is your choice, but I would see it as a fundamental betrayal that I, his wife, asked him to block a woman as it’s driving me crazy when he speaks to her and he refuses.

You wouldn’t be crazy to separate if you no longer want to be married to him.

You could try couples therapy first but only if there is no abuse as therapy isn’t recommended for abusive relationships.

Maybe not but it might help someone else. If it wasn’t for other people sharing (books/other women - no internet then) I would never have realised I was in a dodgy situation let alone got myself out of it.

you can look back through any of my posts and see I’ve written about this a lot as I know how clever these men are at hiding themselves. Even if OP is pouring oil on the fire and doesn’t currently have to tools to deal with this (much like my
mum who just weaves in and out of the cycle), she may start to work it out in time. Therapy is a very good start.