To feel like I was made a fool of by DH again

[MonicaGeller010203]

Almost nine years ago, DH started getting mentionitis and a pretty obvious (to me) crush on a neighbour of ours. We frequently hung out together and DC's played. Got really awkward, she knew how I felt and I always believed it highly entertained her and gave her a sense of power. She was unemployed, cash strapped and with both DC in kid , she was under pressure from her H and family to find a job. She used my DH for a lot of small favours and help and used me and the DC at times too.

Cutting to the chase, moved to a new neighbourhood to upsize to the suburbs 4-5 years ago. Lost touch with them. Last week was our 20th wedding anniv and I decided to invite them too.

H had always maintained it was a good familial friendship that i ruined with suspicion even though there was nothing there. In our new community I have a fab gang of girlfriends while he has struggled to make any, he gets along like on an acquaintance level only with their husbands, and hasn't made any other friends

I genuinely thought we had moved on from all that re 8-9 years ago low key drama. But no. He swears when I tried calling him inside to plate up his food that I was seething that he was talking to her (I swear I did not even notice who he was talking as they were sitting out in the garden in a circle, everyone else had their BBQ, and other food on plates, only he had not started yt). His friend asked me why H was not eating with the rest of us. I wish to God I had plated up food for him and taken it to him rather than call him in (for just a minute to take his food).

Later for the rest of the party, he avoided me - I had planned games in the garden for the 6 couples - like musical chairs, a couples duet singing competition that our teen kids were meant to be judging us on (all in fun) - he bailed on the whole thing , took the husband of this lady (not the other men, though one tagged along behind, and the other 2-3 were at a loose end) for a walk, and left us ladies to it, though I had told them the plan was going to be couples stuff, maybe even a little music and dance.

He sulked for the next couple of hours, though was back to something like normalcy by the time the last couple who stayed back (not the ones from the old neighbourhood) to chat and share silly stories, tea and some laughs before leaving. But for me the afternoon felt spoilt

I am not sure what my question is I think the main one is Am in AIBU to feel I was trying to do something nice for him , to show him I was more secure now or I trusted more and to feel like I was made a fool of again. Or was he somehow in the right.

So if he blocks her all will be well in the world?

you’ve just been ranting about how he’s the worst human specimen to walk the earth and how awful he’s been all through your marriage. So why doesn’t matter if he blocks her of your marriage is over anyway

I don't think they doubt you because your thread is "too horrific to be believed."

No, he has to sing a soppy song about his love for OP to the group chat as well I think😂

Oh I think she conceded that one. Eventually.

That’s very cheap for a therapist. Make sure they’re a qualified psychotherapist and not just a ‘counsellor’ OP. Also if he complains simply say it’s something you need to do for your own wellbeing, if he says your wellbeing doesn’t matter then you obviously need to leave him.

But the therapist will not be telling you if you should leave or if DH is wrong or if DH is abusive or cheating. They will try to help you understand what is causing your feelings to erupt, why, how you can process your feelings and channel them more healthily.

If you don’t want to make your husband coffee then don’t. You’ve been spitting vitriol about him all day but then describing you smiling at him, responding in text, making him drinks etc. You’re acting normally to him when you despise him on here. Why? Why can’t you discuss your feelings with him?

But it has to be Vicky and Dave's version, not Dolly and Kenny's.

It’s not making up something it’s that your updates change at every turn. You couldn’t possibly be happy to celebrate your wedding anniversary yesterday, I’d say it was an over the top celebration with party games and soppy duets, to the person you are since making out to be the worst human to walk the earth.
The turnaround is unbelievable and it does look, as pp have pointed out, that you’ve switched the narrative when the thread wasn’t going how you expected it to go

He will object Olivia, my mental health is stuff is just made up and me imagining all my problems (I will try and point out the contradiction there to him)

Its not worth throwing money at - not a real urgent wellness issue like his lady love when she had the petite neck sprain and we had to be her carer.....
Or when the cleaning lady's MIL was being mean to her, People have real problems and here I am throwing money away on therapy when I have a great job and money and a big house- He has said this before

Will see what he says now. I am actually a bit anxious

gave him coffee when I made mine, I don't want him to make a scene as younger DS is somewhere around upstairs

I think we all can guess what you are going to tell us he will say about therapy.

@MonicaGeller010203 given your mixed feelings at the moment, and the fact that you were talking about randomly starting an affair, I suggest a female therapist may be better for you than a male one. Look up transference.

OK well then don’t tell him. Or tell him you’re doing it, it’s non negotiable and you will not listen to any complaints about it. It’s happening or you will divorce him.

Where did I say I was deliriously happy before the party

I said things had been okay for a while

I do not know why I keep replying

But it's you guys who have got me to book the therapist and I do not want to cancel it

Calling me fatty makes him the worst guy in the world? There are murderers and paedos and rapists out there. Hes a regular Ahole is all and a bit of a bully and a sulker.

It does not bother me that he didn't earn as much or anything....except when the whole club thing and her was on and such once in a decade occurrences

I need to step back now for my own sanity wjhats left of it

OK I will

She said she has found a female therapist.

I would love to hear husband's side of the story, and what the children have to say about her Abigail's party, never mind what the guests (including ex-alleged-crush and husband), thought.

When the op said was not drunk, had not had one alcoholic drink, it was even more shocking and bizarre.

She has since changed to a male therapist. I believe the thread, I have a friend who has similar world-ending reactions to things, completely theoretically tears her world apart in her mind to deal with a perceived persecution of some kind. She has some ND and extreme anxiety that has hospitalised her before. She responds best to being given implementable instructions. I think OP is similar.

Hi Olivia, what kinds of implementable instructions worked for her to get the courage to leave her marriage

This was my first thought. Sounds like hell :-) (I am very anti organised fun tho as an old git)
seriously though OP, I don’t know you, only what you’ve written, but you do seem a bit ‘performative’ about things and possibly a bit controlling. That could be because of insecurity or it could just be that you’re one of life’s organisers/fun schedulers - many people are happy to tag along behind people like that and they enjoy a lot of fun experiences.

(just don’t fall in to the trap of being the only one that organises anything, and don’t over organise things - unless you are all ND, in which case have at it !)
It may well be that your husband just finds it all a bit OTT or it may be that everyone is aware of the issue with this woman (if the kids are then others will be, possibly even your new neighbours as you don’t know what kids, husband or the woman has said while your busy with stuff )and your hubby and her hubby have thought ‘bugger this’ and gone off for a walk to escape the insanity.

regardless of all that it sounds like there is a lot more going on as you are either very young or very insecure and either way it sounds like you would benefit from talking to someone about your feelings and working out what it is you want from life and whether he’s the chap to do it with.

good luck.
I don’t know what you do for a job but any business would be lucky to have someone that driven, imaginative and organised :-)

Exactly. She's gone from saying they've been really happy since their move to the suburbs, that she thought they'd moved past "the silliness" and that she even encouraged the woman and her DH to let her DH back into their cycle group because she knows he misses it to saying he's a bullying, gaslighting horror and he's ruined her life. That's why so many of us have been questioning the veracity of her increasingly manic and inconsistent statements.

I believe it is true, i.e. it is not a manufactured story, but we only have the poor op's perception of things.

It must be a very unhappy household, this topic has been an undercurrent for many years and goodness knows what else.

I do hope therapy works but it takes time. They really would be better off apart, at least while these issues are worked through.

I am guessing you must be at least in your 40s if you are celebrating 20 years of marriage. I just don't understand what you were trying to prove by setting this all up. Even your kids questioned your motive. All the talk of 'girl groups' and party games sounds odd, but maybe I am missing something. You sound insecure in your marriage, it also sounds like your relationship isn't meeting your needs. An honest talk with your husband would be a more direct and meaningful way of addressing these issues. I think after 9 years ( nearly half your married life) you need to let go of your obsession with this woman, it is extremely telling that you invited her. Maybe your husband did have a thing for her at one time ,but poking a stick in this hornets nest has backfired and although your DH did behave rudely he was probably feeling watched and judged.

Her life and situation are different from yours and so is the advice I would offer. You also have to be the one to decide to leave or not, others can only offer instructions on practical acts not on how to make sense of your feelings or how to become brave.

If he finds out and complains about the price of the therapist just say hes body shamed you by calling you fatty.

I have talked to him when in kitchen to wash up though I came back here within ten minutes

I told him I am going to start therapy and not to overreact when I use my bank card to pay for it, as I need help after making a fool of myself yesterday and crying all night and that I am not happy.

He said is this about convincing your folks that I am unreasonable and insensitive when calling them yesterday was not even my idea
And I said no this is about me getting clarity on why I was so self destructive yesterday, want I really wanted to accomplish, what is lacking etc

He asked and you need to pay 50 quid an hour minimum to...'GET CLARITY?' He was genuinely outraged and shocked.

Fucker

I said yes, I need help , I am not right in the head and by then I was crying, thank God he walked away saying I was a fool , going down to 4 days a week at work and if I thought I was going to spend all my pay on therapy I really was crazy.

So that went well. I do not think DS2 heard. And now I am waiting for the intro call email. Maybe I should have given my phone number.

Most ppl on here already hate me so I am not going to say I chose the most handsome counsellor I could find, I would not do that. Also that would be so wrong would it not. And H is angry enough assuming its a female counsellor.

Oh also he said some people don't want to sing Monica ! And I said , but you danced in the 2024 anniv party and you enjoyed it and you love singing a lot more, he actually has a good baritone and really can carry a tune. One of things that I loved in the beginning. He said 'that was a different crowd of people'

He really needs therapy to admit to his feelings.

To be fair I am 5'3 and 75 kgs, so its not untrue, but just unkind

I used to be 52 kgs till 2016 almost, mid way into my thirties....this is difficult enough already this weight gain, and I stuffed two cupcakes into my face just now while telling him I needed the therapy so he would walk away in disgust sooner