To wonder why some people won’t take no for an answer when offering food

[rhereyago]

I was recently in the same area as my mums family; had my five year old with me. I’d arranged to call in.

They offered me a drink; fine, lovely. Then decided they were going to make fish fingers, chips and peas for us. I tried everything to stop them! I explained numerous times we were doing to a restaurant afterwards, dc was quite looking forward to it, but they just ignored us and we both ended up with an unappetising meal neither of us wanted

Why do people do this? I’ve known others like this who just don’t take no for an answer and give you food you don’t want. Pretty much the entirety of the visit was spent with me trying to get them to stop them making food for us so didn’t even get to chat.

AIBU? I don’t think I am, but …

That’s annoying, I know it’s bad but I would’ve refused it, specifically because we would be eating later at a restaurant.

I know I can be a bit of a feeder and tend to offer a couple of times but even I would take the hint and stop asking and maybe just leave some biscuits out with tea/coffee just in case! The thought of actually making a full on meal for someone who explicitly said they didn’t want it is ludicrous

Why not leave for the restaurant?

I think for a lot of people, food isn't just food. It's how they show love, how they communicate, how they fill gaps in conversation, how they justify eating themselves if they have to provide food for other people. Some people just have an odd relationship with food.

Also, some people don't listen. Ever. And some people won't take no for an answer.

This is your family, OP. Why do you think they did it? Why didn't you just refuse? Answer those questions, and you might find your reasons?

Walk out after five minutes? I guess I could have but it felt horribly rude although I do actually think it’s rude to make a meal for someone who doesn’t want it, so I get your point. It was just so frustrating - she was hustling around saying ‘now then I won’t take no …’ and I’m saying ‘PLEASE don’t!’

Boundries.

You’re not a helpless damsel.

They refused to listen so you should have refused to eat it.

Especially given you told them you were going out to eat.

Well, this is just me, but with people like that I just say 'Stop.' Very firmly, but not shouting. It just stops them dead in their tracks.

Then you can say what you have to say. 'You are not listening to me. We are going to a restaurant. We will not be having food here. You have some if you want to, that's fine, but no we will not be eating here.' With a firm voice and a smile, if you must.

If you can't say things like this to your own family, OP, then you may have bigger problems than just a meal you don't want.

Also, how can you be 'rude' to your own family? Just say what you need to say!

How clear were you? 'no, we're going to a restaurant in an hour' on repeat? 'Please don't' would be taken by my mum as 'please don't put yourself to the trouble'.

She obviously wasn't listening or believes that the restaurant was just because you needed food not because you wanted to go.

I can imagine this being hard but not so hard that I end up with a meal in front of me.

I loathe this too! Also people who pile up your plate with food, rather than put out serving dishes and let everyone serve themselves.

it puts me off going to some friends’ houses, I would rather just meet them for a coffee in a coffee shop. It saves all the pressure of having to say no thank you multiple times.

I don’t think I could have been clearer! I literally said ‘oh thanks Jean but we’re going to the harvester, Thomas is really excited, aren’t you?’ Jean just said ‘now I won’t hear it …’ and went bustling off into the kitchen, I followed Jean ‘no really Jean, it’s very kind of you but we’re going to the harvester!’

@MissMarplesGoddaughter i know! I didn’t get to hear one thing about Jean, or Brian, or their children or grandchildren as I was just pleading with her not to do the bloody fish fingers!

@ClematisBirdbath i suppose they are my family but I very rarely see them. My mums cousin and my mums been dead thirty years! So not like your brother or dad where you can just screech FGS I’M NOT EATING IT!

It’s really awkward having a plate of food in front of you and not touching it, I just hate the fact I was in that position.

And what did you do when Jean brought the food out?

I would have given her a confused look and asked her why she cooked it when she knew I wouldn’t be eating it.

If you actually sat there and ate it, you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

Yes there are some people who won’t take no thanks as meaning no

ive just had breakfast
ah but we have sausage and bacon - just one buttie - made with a pack of sausages and a pack of bacon because we don’t want it to go to waste … like no thanks … here you are

Picked at it. I don’t like fish fingers, or peas or soggy oven chips.

Jean is in her 80s, so being rude and obnoxious to an elderly woman and one of the few surviving relatives I have sits uncomfortably with me. I am more frustrated she refused to listen in the first place and genuinely don’t understand why people won’t just accept a polite ‘no, we’ve made other arrangements.’

Maybe things get fixed in their minds; she imagined making fish fingers and chips and that was going to happen irrespective of whether it was wanted or not!

Ugh I hate that … as if it going to waste is somehow my problem!

My mother-in-law is dreadful for this. You'll say no thanks several times, then she'll give you whatever it is anyway, then act all confused and put out when you don't eat it. I've found that the only thing that (sometimes) works is to give a flat, unequivocal 'no', with nothing else at all, and say it only once. Of course I then get told off for being rude anyway.

I have a friend who keeps making LOTS of food ever time I go round. I tell her not to before hand, I say Im not hungry, but she still makes and puts the food out anyway.
its such a strange situation, but she won’t take no for an answer!!!

And boundaries too

Ok, so with this bit of back story which you didn't tell us before, this changes things a lot. Not really your family, but more like friends of friends. So of course you don't want to be rude, but as you say, you rarely see them, so this isn't going to happen very often is it?

An elderly lady, who probably doesn't get a lot of company? And who was probably brought up at a time when you always offered your visitors something, especially if they had children with them?

This sounds to me like someone who offers food to be polite, to be kind, because that's what she was brought up to do, and she wants you to stay a while and chat and catch up. She might be lonely, especially for the company of children.

In this case, my advice is that, on the rare occasions you visit her, arrive hungry! Eat what you can. She won't care, because it's about her offering, not you eating.

Sorry, I didn’t realise I needed to provide a detailed family tree and footnotes before starting a thread!

@Lizzbear i have occasionally had it before with friends … this one caught me off guard!

Infuriating OP. I had a friend who was the same with cups of tea. It always ended up with me saying "FFS Steve, I don't want one!" and he'd be all crestfallen. At least it wasn't a meal!

I have heard that some kids were brought up to refuse anything that could be construed as "charity", especially in the days of rationing. Both sides of the fence were convinced the other was just being polite, either offering food, or declining it. There are still some older folk who are stuck in this ridiculous mindset.

I'd just turn this into an amusing anecdote for your friends tbh. It is quite funny.

Did you accidentally stumble into an Asian family gathering? My aunt is ruthless with ‘force-feeding’ 😏

It does actually help to have all the facts if you do really want help and advice, rather than just a rant. It's quite a difference between your own family that you see often, and an elderly distant cousin you rarely see. So the advice will be different. If you can't see that, then nothing we say here will help. Good luck for next time.

Did you arrive with biscuits or chocolates? This helps as you can say, let’s just open the biscuits and have a cup of tea and a good catch-up.

That’s the food sorted. So everyone is happy.

Have you ever seen Father Ted OP? This reminds me of Mrs Doyle.