AIBU to refuse my boyfriend's brother staying over every weekend?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Im a 33 year female. My boyfriend is 31.
His brother is 28. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years.
We moved in together this year..

My boyfriend is easygoing, loyal, lovely, slow to anger, quiet yet passionate and I dont believe we've ever had a proper fight. We both hate conflict and generally deal with the issue there and then.

However.
He is extremely close with his family and lived with them all this time. They are nice enough and have been like a second family to me but they are strangely too close. Their daughter is 23, the brother 28 and obviously my boyfriend 31. The bro and sis still live with the parents. I love that theyre close but since moving in with him the bro and sis have been either staying over at least once a week in our spare room (separate times obviously).

The last 3 weekends his brother who drinks a TON until about 4am has called my boyfriend asking to sleep over in our spare room. He expects to then stay here hungover until around dinnertime the next day. I set the boundary right away with my bought stating I know his bros patterns as I used to stay with my boyfriend and his fam but he assured it would not be a regular thing.

I have extreme anxiety and a chronic stomach condition and last night I flared terribly. I was up most the night and when I finally got to sleep past 3am my boyfriend said "babe ive told John he can come round and stay as hes been at the bar".

I immediately told him no, that I was feeling like crap and didnt want to entertain whilst I was not only unwell but sleep deprived from the heatwave and other anxieties.
John was angry at my boyfriend and tried hard to twist his arm. Eventually my boyfriend got him to go home.

This morning I happened to look at my boyfriends phone when his mum messaged
"Your girlfriend needs to grow up and get over her stupid anxiety and illness. So many people have it worse than her and you have plenty of room!"
I was absolutely FUMING and nearly called her having it out with her but decided to let the air breathe.

Please, im begging. Am I being unreasonable? Are we both in the wrong?

I expect his mum fancied a night off from her hungover man child too.

YANBU OP, but ensure your boyfriend has your back, or you’re doomed.

The only important thing is, can your boyfriend respect you enough to say no to his family. If so, the rest of them and what they say are irrelevant.

yANBU

YANBU. 💯 say no to every ask now.

If your boyfriend disagrees, he is not easy going.

No you’re not unreasonable at all. Your house isn’t a doss house and you all are not 18. You’ve settled with your partner - in your own space - to start a life together.

The mum sounds horrid.

Now you’ve started setting your boundaries stick to them. Both the brother and sister have their own room at mummy’s.

I'm a bit worried that you two are incompatible to live together.
Some people see the houses of other family members as extensions of their own, and if your boyfriend shares this view with his family I think living with him could be a bit of a nightmare!

Those people need correcting! If OP and her bf wanted sleepovers they would have stayed at the mums without the added expense of buying their own property.

@declutteredliving I'd agree they do, but I didn't get the impression from the OPs post that the boyfriend didn't want him staying often, especially as the boyfriend had offered the space at 3am & without discussing it with her first.

That would drive me insane. The occasional guest is fine, but expecting to turn up in the middle of the night every weekend to sleep off the booze is way too much. They all need to be told that your home is for you and your boyfriend, and he needs to tell his mother to wind her fucking neck in.

I would hate it and also say no, but I do agree some people are happy to have people coming and going, popping in and staying over with no notice. So I think it is an incompatibility.

His mum was really rude and totally out of order. I don't understand why his brother can't just go home. His mum obviously doesn't mind that he gets absolutely pissed so why on earth does he need to stay at your house?

Your home is not a doss house for missed up siblings. What if you had children. And his mum is a cheeky cow. Stick to your guns x

YANBU, what a effing cheek! If I were you I would message your boyfriend’s mum:
“Happened to see your message to [boyfriend] this morning. Good to know how you really feel about my anxiety and illness. While we might have plenty of room (thanks to both of us working hard and paying a mortgage/rent), we are not running a bloody hotel, and I don’t appreciate the entitlement of grown adults who think they can come and go as they please, at whatever time of the day or night suits them - especially when they have been drinking themselves into a stupor.”

And for good measure, I would round off with something haughty like:
“If you were thinking about popping around for / inviting us to [upcoming event], please feel free to reconsider.”

But bear in mind I am very petty and outspoken so you may not wish to take this advice if you care about remaining amicable with his mother.

Ooooh, you could be in trouble here.
Your bf needs to properly step up, or you will be constantly tied up in his family issues.

Your home (yours and bf’s) is YOUR home.
You see entitled to have boundaries, and not accepting drunken dossing (on a regular basis!) is a justifiable boundary.
If your bf can’t or won’t assert this boundary, it is never going to work. There’ll be worse to come down the track.

What did your bf reply? I think she was so unreasonable that any reply that didn't tell her to stop saying horrible things about you, would have me questioning the relationship.

I also think it's unreasonable that he hasn't considered that you might not want a drunk / hungover adult male nursing a sore head, for hours most weekends. Very very few people would be ok with this, even if they liked their family popping over with no notice etc.

Why is he even coming over after drinking rather than going back to his own place?

Your relationship is not going to last if you have to be the one to say no, either your boyfriend doesn’t mind or is too weak to stand up to his brother / sister but especially his mum. He’s throwing you under the bus by making you the unreasonable one as far as his family are concerned. The only way this works is for your boyfriend to not only agree it’s not acceptable to have them crashing all the time, but also say no himself.
Out of interest is he paying for the flat or are you going 50 / 50?
You need to have a conversation together about what is acceptable to both of you in terms of sleepovers, if you don’t agree then it’s a you or them situation. Be prepared that you may have to find somewhere else to live

Also the message seems to imply that he said to his brother not to come round because you didn't like it. Not please don't come round because I'd like some alone time with my wife / this is becoming a habit etc. I wouldn't be happy with that either

You need to rent out that room to a lodger. Does the brother have a job, why can't he move out from mummy's and live in a House share.

He used you as the excuse.
You need to understand if he is totally fine with them coming and going as they please (sounds like it). If so you might be incompatible as you have different experiences and expectations of family.

How dare his mother imply that you could just 'switch off' your anxiety and illness! Does she think you're making it up just to stop people from staying over? That is the part that makes me feel most angry - I mean BFs brother presumably thinks he's welcome to stop and therefore it's become his pied a terre when he's had too much to drink to go home (even though this is an incredibly childish way to behave and needs to stop), but it's the mum's absolute disrespect for your health that really gets up my nose.

Next time he stay over a good vacuuming early next morning should see him buggering off home.

Your bf needs to set firm boundaries right now, this is your home, not just his and who wants a pissed up member of the family round every weekend? Your home is your sanctuary, not a hotel.

Depends. When is dinnertime?

In my experience Op there are families like your BFs, they think it's always family first and whatever family does is OK and acceptable, doesn't matter how it impacts on anyone else. Unless you can open your BFs eyes, and make him see that you're entitled to have a say in your home, then nothing will change and he'll always be at their beck and call while you'll be the difficult outsider

That message seems oddly specific and personal. Are you sure that’s exactly what it said?

Nip this in the bud. The brother needs to go to his own home. You need your space. It doesn't matter if you are feeling 100%. It's your house and you deserve privacy. Tell your boyfriend if he can't stop his brother coming over then he has to move out until he grows up.