AIBU to refuse my boyfriend's brother staying over every weekend?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Im a 33 year female. My boyfriend is 31.
His brother is 28. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years.
We moved in together this year..

My boyfriend is easygoing, loyal, lovely, slow to anger, quiet yet passionate and I dont believe we've ever had a proper fight. We both hate conflict and generally deal with the issue there and then.

However.
He is extremely close with his family and lived with them all this time. They are nice enough and have been like a second family to me but they are strangely too close. Their daughter is 23, the brother 28 and obviously my boyfriend 31. The bro and sis still live with the parents. I love that theyre close but since moving in with him the bro and sis have been either staying over at least once a week in our spare room (separate times obviously).

The last 3 weekends his brother who drinks a TON until about 4am has called my boyfriend asking to sleep over in our spare room. He expects to then stay here hungover until around dinnertime the next day. I set the boundary right away with my bought stating I know his bros patterns as I used to stay with my boyfriend and his fam but he assured it would not be a regular thing.

I have extreme anxiety and a chronic stomach condition and last night I flared terribly. I was up most the night and when I finally got to sleep past 3am my boyfriend said "babe ive told John he can come round and stay as hes been at the bar".

I immediately told him no, that I was feeling like crap and didnt want to entertain whilst I was not only unwell but sleep deprived from the heatwave and other anxieties.
John was angry at my boyfriend and tried hard to twist his arm. Eventually my boyfriend got him to go home.

This morning I happened to look at my boyfriends phone when his mum messaged
"Your girlfriend needs to grow up and get over her stupid anxiety and illness. So many people have it worse than her and you have plenty of room!"
I was absolutely FUMING and nearly called her having it out with her but decided to let the air breathe.

Please, im begging. Am I being unreasonable? Are we both in the wrong?

This. This sums up my marriage, I wish I'd seen the signs sooner and walked away.

Definitely sit down with your bfriend and explain that you don't want your home to be a public house. It would be so intrusive having someone in my house every weekend and especially, when you're trying to use your bathroom or cook / lounge in pjs. You are not children so regular sleepovers are not normal or acceptable.

YANBU, not even close. You set a clear, reasonable boundary given you were unwell and running on no sleep, and your boyfriend actually did the right thing backing you and getting his brother to leave. That bit's NAH between you two.
But honestly — fuck that shit. His brother trying to twist his arm after being told no, and then his mother calling your anxiety and chronic illness "stupid" and telling you to "grow up"? That's not a boundary dispute anymore, that's contempt for your actual health. You're well within your rights to be properly angry about that on its own.
And the wider pattern — weekly, last-minute, post-drinking crash-outs that turn into all-day hangover recovery in your spare room — was never a small ask to begin with. "Not a regular thing" has clearly become a very regular thing. I fucking wouldn't have them staying over anymore, full stop — they're being proper freeloaders, turning up drunk at 4am and expecting a bed and a full day's recovery service the next day. It's your home too. Time to put your foot down: no more staying over, no exceptions. They are taking the absolute piss.

@gingerandpeppermint how are things going now?

Any update?

I mean, if he were calling at 10 and saying ‘can I crash?’, and just stayed for some coffee and a slice of toast in the morning, I’d probably not care. But waking you all up and then disrupting your Sundays is ridiculous.

You need to agree boundaries with your boyfriend that work for you both. What are you happy with and what not. I can see why staying over drunk and not leaving til dinner time every week would be unreasonable. Once you've agreed your boundaries you need to.ensure that your boyfriend maintains them with his family. E.g. you could say to the brother he can stay over after a bar once a month. He needs to stop blaming you for the decision and present a united front. Id he can't do that I'd be rethinking the relationship or at least the location of the flat.

Oh great, so instead of your boyfriend being a man and just telling his family no, he has told them all about your illness so he can blame it all on you and make you the bad guy. He is not easygoing and calm, he is a pushover and a man child who doesn’t want to upset mummy.

Haha. I wouldn’t do this as it’s picking a fight based off a private message.

But next time I was having a one on one conversation with her, I would find a way to get this message across. Subtly or unsubtly.