AIBU to worry about my husband’s drinking despite no obvious effects?

[Celestineisland]

Feel very conflicted about my husband. Honestly and objectively absolutely wonderful. Loving, caring, a provider, communicative, a great dad, successful, charitable etc etc.

The only thing is he’s a big drinker. Now I like a drink, but he drinks fast and can knock it back. Rarely seems pissed probs due to being used to it and 2/3 days a week off the booze but will have between a half and a couple of bottles of wine to himself on the other evenings. Olds nights he definitely does seem pissed. He’s always been like this and has actually reduced his intake since I first met him as he knows my thoughts on the matter. Happy wife, happy life and all that.

He handles it well, rarely gets hangovers, get up super early for work, exercise and kids and has zero outward effects from the booze, which is why I think he can justify it to himself. Obviously he’s aware of all the long term risks, but I think he is in denial.

Even though there is very little detrimental effect day to day, it really concerns me. I come from a background of having parents with addiction so I’m probably more sensitive that most. He just doesn’t see the problem and I just can’t seem to see past it and it’s a constant conversation/battle we have.

not sure what to do as I love and care for him so much but I find this the one thing in our relationship which causes issues. Should I just leave him alone about it? No one is perfect right? I know I come across and very judgy to him,

He's an adult, and knows he's likely doing long term damage to himself and increasing his risk of cancer. While he definitely drinks too much, it sounds like he's a great guy. You've mentioned it, also like a drink, so I think at this point you need to not nag.

I agree, he’s an adult and you don’t really have many options anyway.

I have a few friends who are just a type great people and big big drinkers, I wonder how much it comes with the other stuff

It’s a tough one. I wouldn’t like someone telling me what I can and can’t do as an adult, however, I also couldn’t be with someone who drinks that much. If he’s always been like it, why does it bother you more now or is it the health aspect?

I’m sure it originally stemmed from stuff that happened when he was a kid, but he’s made booze a very part of his life and socialising.

its tough as due to my past, I find it all so triggering.

It always bothered me, but as it’s literally the only thing that he does that doesn’t work with me. We are extremely compatible in all other ways and have a really lovely, kind relationship. I try to put it aside but it always rears its head. And I’m sure I’m not very nice about it in his eyes.

last night I went out with friends and he went out with friends. He came back from his boys night very pissed and it’s just really wound me up. He woke up mega early and went for a long run so in his head I really don’t have any grounds to be annoyed. Maybe I don’t. I just can’t help it.

Following your updates, I think this is more a you problem than a him problem. You need to deal with why this is triggering rather than making your emotional response his responsibility.

Thank you. I’m not disagreeing, I’m just a bit lost with all of this.

Counselling might help. I wonder OP, if you knew he would give up if you asked him to, would you want to ask him?

being married to someone is about accepting them for who they are, not changing them

@Celestineisland My dad was the same my whole childhood and young adulthood. A great dad and husband who happened to like a drink. Unfortunately later in life it has taken him over, damaged his liver and all he is interested in now is drinking. It’s very sad, but nothing anyone says or does makes any difference to him. Alcohol is the only thing that gives him any joy. My lovely mum was looking forward to her retirement years with him, but it has been heartbreaking for her to have to watch him destroy himself.
I really hope things don’t go the same way for your family.

being married to someone is about accepting them for who they are, not changing them

Unfortunately, long term alcohol use changes people’s brains far more than a spouse ever could.

Edit double post

There's no obvious effects now.

How old are the two of you?

You chose to get serious with him and marry him and have kids knowing he drank heavily. You gambled that things would be ok and now you're afraid they won't be. Did something happen last night that has brought this possible rethink on?

I grew up with a functional alcoholic parent and well, no way would I gamble that it would turn out any different that what I've experienced and seen.

Nagging will do nothing. You need to put in some protections for you and your kids. No drunk driving. That includes mornings after drinking large amounts. Good life insurance. Regular health checks including Liver Function Tests. A yearly abdominal ultrasound to check his liver.

It does, but obviously damaging your own mind is very different to someone else trying to control your behaviouR

He has a destructive addiction. If I were you I’d take it seriously and tell him so. Tell him you want to grow old with him, and that excessive alcohol is a killer.

See a Counsellor to help you deal with this life choice of his. I reckon it'll help you a lot.

You can't make him change (I'm Team @Celestineisland btw) so you DO have to find a way to accept him

My worry, if this were me, would be that I might end up being his carer soon ish

Hi OP, I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable but, given your background, am more surprised that you were accepting of this level of alcohol in the past. You say that he drinks up to a couple of bottles of wine a night (apart from alcohol free days) and that his consumption has reduced.

I’m a recovering alcoholic and absolutely fine with moderate drinking in others but would find that tough to deal with.

I mean he sounds like a functioning alcoholic.

Also there is one big effect of his drinking / alcoholism :
his wife is concerned by it.

Read that again. This is what happens when your ‘partner’ has an addiction imo- it comes first; even when the other partner is really worried or stressed about it. The person justifies their behaviour and minimises the ‘over reaction’ or ‘controlling’ response by the non-addict.

Problem is; you’re a partnership. Taking some responsibility for keeping in good health is part of the bargain imo. He’s not doing that; you’re noticing it.
How would he feel if you did drugs occasionally but it didn’t impact family life (not today anyway) so you didn’t need to stop?

He’s got an addiction is my suspicion and this is how alcohol traps people.

There is an excellent short book called ‘understanding alcohol’ (by William Porter? I can’t recall the name). You can listen to it as an audio book & it’s really informative.

best of luck op xo

Absolutely, nobody can tell him. He’s an adult and will do whatever he wants. It’s just sad to me because I’ve seen firsthand the damage.

Thank you all for responding. We’re both late 40s.

i completely chose him knowing what I was getting in to. I just minimised it as I focused on all his other amazing qualities. I adore him. I don’t have alcohol issues but have a parent who completely destroyed the family with gambling so am mega sensitive. A psychologist may say my choice of husband is largely due to my history!

Also I’m peri menopausal so my alcohol tastes have gone from moderate to far less in the last year or two which probably heightens this all right now.

do I think he’s an alcoholic? No. I think he has a dependency though and associates drinking with socialising (like a lot of people) and is very sociable which I’m sure both tie in to eachother. Maybe it’s all one and the same.

that all being said, this is very much my issue right now, not his, and I think looking in to ways I can manage myself would be the best bet. Unfortunately I think the way I’ve handled it over the years has probably been counter productive as I’m sure he just sees it as nagging.

He drinks between half a bottle and 2 bottles of wine a few evenings a week. He then gets up super early the following morning?
Please don't say he then drives on those early mornings.

The recommended number of units pwr person per week is on average 14. With an average number of units in a bottle of wine between 9-11 I'm surprised at some of the responses to his intake.

My dh: A couple of glasses on weekdays, a few nights off (very important), and maybe a “big weekend” from time to time when out with friends - fine.

I would worry if dh was regularly knocking back a couple of bottles in one night.

One thing that improved my dh drinking was becoming a bit of a connoisseur. I got him a wine fridge for his 40th birthday and he joined a wine tasting social club. He now savours a nice glass, rather than necking three average glasses.

His drinking will only change if he wants it to change, op. Nagging won’t help.

These are two separate things- guidance around the impact drinking may have on your health, expressed as units, and how people chose to live their life. It’s not surprising that people don’t live their life by medical guidance.

Hi OP! I am in the same position in my marriage. It concerns me for health reasons, money and the effect on our child. I know I can not leave any alcohol in the house, or he will drink it after i go to bed. But he rarely seems drunk. It is mostly a couple of cans after work.

He starts at 5, works hard, does nearly all the household chores. I feel like I can't complain, because, as other posters have said, it seems like it is my problem and makes me feel controlling.

However stepping back, I know that he does have an alcohol dependance. I spoke to him about it yesterday. Fingers crossed it works for a while...then he will slip back. And it will repeat.

As said, he's got to want to cut down and he won't want to, until he starts having health issues, or just can't function the next day. I've always enjoyed a drink, we are pub goers. I've found that people naturally start to drink less after mid 50s. A lot of our group are on no alcohol Guinness, then towards the end of the night, they have just a couple of pints. It isn't fair for you to suddenly make this an issue, however, I'd say it's normal during peri menopause. I'd ask him if he started to feel sluggish, would he stop or cut down? Perhaps having a rational conversation will help you realise that nothing has changed, so the family isn't going to go to rack and ruin and if needed, he'd make changes.

Being dependant on alcohol is a trait of an alcoholism.

I can’t see any difference between his behaviour and one of an alcoholic…what you are stating is that is he dependant on alcohol; and he likes it. There is no difference in the definition of ‘alcoholic’ depending on whether the person likes it, or doesn’t like it!
Infact; most alcoholics ‘like it’ until they reach rock bottom (if they ever do) - and alcohol changes the way your brain works so they do like it. This is the danger with substance addiction; it literally rewires and changes your brain over time.

You say ‘this is my problem’ @Celestineisland - no; it’s completely his!