AIBU to worry about my husband’s drinking despite no obvious effects?

[Celestineisland]

Feel very conflicted about my husband. Honestly and objectively absolutely wonderful. Loving, caring, a provider, communicative, a great dad, successful, charitable etc etc.

The only thing is he’s a big drinker. Now I like a drink, but he drinks fast and can knock it back. Rarely seems pissed probs due to being used to it and 2/3 days a week off the booze but will have between a half and a couple of bottles of wine to himself on the other evenings. Olds nights he definitely does seem pissed. He’s always been like this and has actually reduced his intake since I first met him as he knows my thoughts on the matter. Happy wife, happy life and all that.

He handles it well, rarely gets hangovers, get up super early for work, exercise and kids and has zero outward effects from the booze, which is why I think he can justify it to himself. Obviously he’s aware of all the long term risks, but I think he is in denial.

Even though there is very little detrimental effect day to day, it really concerns me. I come from a background of having parents with addiction so I’m probably more sensitive that most. He just doesn’t see the problem and I just can’t seem to see past it and it’s a constant conversation/battle we have.

not sure what to do as I love and care for him so much but I find this the one thing in our relationship which causes issues. Should I just leave him alone about it? No one is perfect right? I know I come across and very judgy to him,

Just to clarify… we may share a bottle of wine at home one or twice a week and then he’ll be out a couple of times a week where he will drink more. Not always a couple of bottles, but yes to that on occasion (especially when out with the lads).

he doesn’t drive early but often has work calls from 5am so has to be on the ball, which he is.

Meanwhile what happened last night has escalated in to us having a massive row as he feels very much I want someone different to who he is! It’s tricky.

How about some couples counselling? I think relate have a free service in the UK. Somewhere you can have a discussion about it really with a mediator and both really be heard. It might enlighten you or him as to what’s really going on. Xx

It's really difficult because he's functioning so well. If he wasn't, it would be more obvious to him how dangerous this is and how difficult for you. Did he grow up with a heavy drinking culture, in a family of heavy drinkers? If it's been normalised since growing up he's even less likely to want to wake up and smell the roses. I agree with the poster who advocates good health insurance, regular liver testing etc, but he's got to agree to go. All I can say is judgement and nagging won't work. You can tell him that you want a long and happy life together, that you're worried about him. No easy answer.

It is @Celestineisland's problem because HE won't change. So she has to accept him or leave. HE is fine with the way things are

One day it WILL be his problem, when he's ill

But right now, he has no problem and imo he doesn't respect @Celestineisland enough to try tochange (because HE doesn't want to change)

Yes he grew up with lots of drinkers around and is very much part of the rugby culture which is very boozy.

its as @Pickledonions12 says, it’s my issue as the situation is as it is. He already feels he’s changed a lot and is taking this all as me being controlling rather than anything else.

I would start having conversations with him to let him know you’re concerned. It may also be a time to start looking at your own drinking habits too.

I was your husband. 1-2 bottles of wine a night 4-5 days a week. And then it became pretty much 6-7 days a week. Then eventually a few years later, it became 3 bottles of wine a night every night, sometimes a cider or a gin thrown in for good measure. I’d go get the wine as soon as I collected the dc from school. Always an excuse why we needed ‘something from the shop’ or I’d start drinking on the train home if I was in the office.

It didn’t happen overnight. It was gradual over maybe 10 years or so. The 3 bottles of wine only really the last year or so before I stopped. That equated to 200+ units a week (limit for women is 14 😳).

I truly didn’t think it was that big a deal. I mean, I knew I had a problem. Your dh probably does too. But it seemed like not that much different from everyone else’s problem. I almost never got falling over drunk. I was tired during the day, but not like in bed. I was working out. I was taking kids to birthday parties. I was doing the meal planning and the cooking and had hobbies. You really can do all that and seem kinda normal and still be drinking a box of wine every day. Your Dh is almost certainly drinking more than you think. There will be extra glasses poured and a double after you’ve gone to bed.

I’m 3 years (and a bit) sober now. Best thing I ever did. I don’t miss it at all. Dh still drinks but a lot less. The thing that really helped was Dh just gently raising with me that he was concerned about my drinking. No judging, no ultimatums, no shouting, just genuine concern. Dh is an adult child of an alcoholic. There’s a reason he found me quite soothing and familiar. There’s probably a reason you’ve felt the same about your Dh. But he approached it all with concern and kindness and gave me time to come around. It took me about 2 years to actually decide to get sober after we started talking about it. One day I was just done, I shut that door and I’ve never looked back.

I know I don’t come across with kindness. My communication with this has been awful. Thank you, that’s very helpful.

My FIL was like this, he’d have a few bottles of wine most nights and then more at weekends but would say it was fine because he didn’t need a drink and could live without it. He would have a few evenings a week where he didn’t drink. It started in his early twenties and everyone just knew him as a guy who liked a drink and never had hangovers. Except it carried on, and started becoming a few gins in the evening too as well as the wine. Then a bit more, and a bit more. He always looked healthy, was still going to work and functioning so in his eyes it was fine

Except it was destroying his insides, and he died last year aged 51 from SUDAM (sudden unexplained death in alcohol misuse). I’ve seen a lot of people on here say they drink a lot and that it’s fine, and for a lot of people it probably is but they’re lucky

My late father was an alcoholic. For a long time he seemed able to cope with it but then it got the upper hand. It was awful, utterly awful for everyone concerned. He lost his job, became desperately ill, violent, impossible to talk to and in the end it killed him.
It may not get that bad with your DH but this stuff can and does happen. What about your children? Have you thought about the impact his drinking may have on them? Look at the NACOA website for the effects parental drinking can have. You need to take this seriously and ideally address it with him before it goes further. You say it isn’t having ill effects but it is, on your relationship at least and that’s important.

I speak from bitter experience and with sympathy. My ex drank heavily from his teenage years with astonishingly little outward effect. The result of this was that he was a functioning alcoholic who did not believe that he was drinking too much.

Although he recovered and has become teetotal, it was traumatic,

There is a huge genetic component to alcoholism aswell. The statistics are quite shocking; something like if you have a parent who has an alcohol dependency, you are 50% more likely yourself to also be susceptible to dependency- not just because it’s ’normal’ in your family culture but you are genetically predisposed to having a way of thinking that allows alcohol a better chance to get a hold of you. Have a listen / read of ‘understanding alcohol’ book.
It’s not just for the drinker but also incredibly informative about drinking / habits and the psychology around it all. It’s quite short and only has a few chapters, it’s written by a doctor who overcame alcoholism himself.

It sounds to me as if he's a functioning alcoholic. I only hope he doesn't drive and that if he does he will soon get stopped by the police and have his licence taken away before he destroys someone's life. No amount of gentle persuasion or nagging will stop him drinking too much because as you say, he has a dependency and that matters to him more than anything else, including how worried it makes you. He is obviously in denial about his alcoholism, as are you a bit. There is an organisation called Al-Anon which is for partners of alcoholics. I suggest you phone them and get some proper advice and help.

I fully think there is a dependency and maybe that is the same as alcoholism and I am in denial, but I don’t think he’s a fully blown alcoholic as it stands. I understand this can change with time and I am concerned, but he’s not ready to listen, and especially in the way I’m communicating it. That’s my dilemma.

re the questions - there is no driving at all with alcohol ever.
its 4/ max 5 days a week he drinks - probs half a bottle a couple of night ( with me ) and more if out on the other nights
there isn’t any sneaking more booze later as we go to bed together.
the children see us at home not drinking the majority of the time. He’ll never have a drink any home until we’re drinking together as above.

i fully think there is a problem, but am conflicted as everything else is so good and it’s doesn’t manifest outwardly apart from us occasionally rowing about it.

If he can drink a few bottles of wine and seems just a little drunk, he has a large tolerance.This is objectively a huge amount to drink in one session. The health effects will come. This could easily spiral. Losing a parent or job or losing his license being caught driving over the limit the next morning, and this drinking could easily turn bad.

He should not be driving in the morning.

Im interested to hear what you think ‘a fully blown alcoholic’ would look like / seem like?
The health outcomes are the same for almost anybody really so I can see any differentiation. I also think that actually it’s possibly preferable to be a ‘fully blown alcoholic’ as in cannot function day to day; because those are the times people are more likely to seek help. If you lean on alcohol all your life and never make any changes because you can manage just fine; I actually think you’ll never seek recovery and it’s actually a win for alcohol because it dominates your entire life until the end.

the reason I said earlier that I think this is not your problem (yet) is because when you say that and accept that you have no control over his drinking / choices; it really means the line has been drawn and you are done / cannot negotiate any further. That to my mind means the end of a real partnership and it also means you step back from your partner and just kind of let them go in some way. This is definitely a sensible step for most people who love someone with an addiction; but I don’t think you should be there already. I think try and keep pushing for change first for some time- that would be the best outcome for everybody and your marriage. I’d definitely try counseling together before anything else.
best of luck; I hope he can make the changes for you all xox

I’m so confused about this denial that he’s an alcoholic. He is an alcoholic! My father was an alcoholic, my husband is an alcoholic, and I always ponder if I’m on the verge of being an alcoholic. The point being just because he’s not violent or he’s functional doesn’t make him any less of an alcoholic.

I have an old friend who downs red wine like it’s about to get banned. I always wonder where his wife’s head is at. Last time I saw him his eyes were quite yellow. He’s wealthy, a lovely high functioning husband, two gorgeous daughters. I wonder is his wife in despair and given up, or is something very wrong under the surface. It’s not ok to drink that much. Get some alcohol free wine and beer and just start doing that as ‘ we are cutting down.’ Denial becomes like the air you breathe in the household of addicts. Collusion is how it continues.

How many nights a week is he going out drinking and how often is he coming back pissed?

I would not be happy with him going out drinking with the lads multiple times a week and coming back pissed while I sit at home with the kids. Do you go out without him in the evening?

Oh It's a 'him problem'. He's drinking far too much and it is 'triggering' for the op as she is the one living with it.

Op. Don't enable it and minimise it, just because he goes running doesn't excuse that he's drinking far too much. Probably hiding more too.

How to deal with it is obviously difficult, like all addicts of whatever degree he'll deny it. Drinking a couple of bottles of wine to himself is not ok, coming home drunk regularly is not ok.

Tell him he has a problem and needs to access professional support even it's just online to start with. Good luck