To have asked my 16 year old to stay home?

[Anonmom812]

It was my birthday and her nans birthday, she's stopped out the night before and a couple of nights before that and I'd asked her to be home for 10 as we had family plans to celebrate.
She came home at 11am and asked if she could go over there again tonight, I'd said not tonight as we've got family plans and also her nan is the one who drives and gives her lifts everywhere and as it was her birthday then it's not fair as she deserves the day to have a rest and celebrate.
We went out 2-6 and then she started getting overwhelmed and constantly asking to go home (she's autistic so this happens alot) so we dropped her home for a couple of hours. 5 mins after dropping her off she'd left the house with her bf and started walking all the way to her friends house.
I messaged her asking where she was going and she said a walk. I said be home for half 9, she started saying no, idgaf what you say etc
About half 9, I went out to find her but she just kept running off and refused to come home, so she ended up spending the night at her friends house and has been there all day.

Aibu to have asked her to stay home? Or be annoyed that's she's just ran off? How should I handle it when she comes home?

The teenager thing is new to me and I know she's 16 so technically not kid but still not quite an adult and I have no mom friends to talk to about it.

She’s being selfish
however sounds like she will ruin this celebration anyway

She’s being selfish, she would ruin the day regardless with her behaviour. Have a chat and tell her she’s been extremely immature & selfish, and going forward she needs to make more of an effort.

What time was the celebration and how long would DD need to get ready?

She should participate, and be ready on time. If you told her to be home overly early just for your own peace of mind, that would not be reasonable. My mother used to do this, and still does when we visit.

Well she is being rude and selfish therefore I imagine the lifts from her nan will cease until she be more appreciative won't they?

Sadly I doubt it

hence the situation the op finds herself in

the dd knows they’ll be no consequences based on past experience

I think probably the best way to handle this would be to have a really adult conversation about showing up for the people who show up for you. I would maybe get her nan to express her disappointment and sadness to DD as it may have more weight coming from her. As you say, she’s at that tricky age where you can’t exactly control their choices but equally her behaviour was absolutely unacceptable. I think taking the line of “you made nan feel really upset when she does xyz for you” would probably be a good way to go, and as PP has said, a fairly natural consequence of not showing up for important events for a person in your life is that they will no longer be willing to go out of their way for you so I absolutely would suggest that nan does not give lifts for a few days/weeks until DD has made amends

She only gets overwhelmed when it’s not plans she likes, presumably.

She sounds awful. Your mum should stop running around after her.

When you say she "stopped out" the night before etc. do you mean all night or just until her curfew time? Cos if it's all night that needs nipping in the bud too. Even if just out socialising and then home it still needs to be managed alongside homework, family time, chores and getting adequate sleep.

It sounds like she's starting to call all the shots at home - are you/have you been reluctant to step in because of her Autism?

Self centred behaviour is a fairly standard teen phase, but whose house is she staying multiple nights at? Is it safe? Can you contact the parent and explain she isn’t allowed? Knock on the door to collect her?

Sounds like she played on her autism to get home and go out. If she has genuinely been so overwhelmed she wouldn’t have then been going out straight away.

she need firm boundaries and learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her

She only gets overwhelmed when it’s not plans she likes, presumably
That's what it looks like. She got you all played to arrange your lives around her wants and you are oblivious to it!

'Overwhelmed' she claimed?

Do you think she plays on her condition at times to perhaps get her own way?

She sounds very immature running away from you and selfish.

Her Nan and you need to stop doing so much for her and driving her around until she stops acting like a selfish brat.

Stop any rides. Behaviour has consequences.

She's doing what she wants and screw the rest of you until she wants a ride or something. I wouldn't believe the overwhelmed part.

Running away from you and rude? She needs to grow up a bit. If she's old enough for a boyfriend and staying out 'whenever she wants' then she's old enough for more responsibility too.

Does she have a job? Pay her own phone bill? Wash her own clothes? Cook for the family one night a week?

If she wants to act like she's grown up and knows best, then she needs to do this in all areas, not just the fun ones. You start with stopping funding her social life and make some changes.

Shes staying at her friend's aunts house, the last two sleepovers I agreed to but there hasn't always been an adult there.

She rung me last night to unblock her phone but I refused. She has just come back to get some clothes, refuses to tell me how long she's going for. I tried talking to her but she won't listen. It's all come out of nowhere. The only thing I can think of is the novelty of 'living with her friends'. And they are paying for her to get food and taxis to come her her stuff.

I will admit, we have been softer in her because of the autism and I do struggle to determine what's fair because of it, I do try and have some boundaries but also nan struggles with this too especially when it comes to lifts and money.
She doesn't have a job or go to college because she can't cope in the environments. She doesn't do any housework or cooking.

I just really don't know where to go from here, I spoke with police last night but because she is 16 they can't do anything.

I wouldn’t be so sure that’s where she’s staying
especially as you say she has a boyfriend
and she lies to you

Wow that’s quite the free ride she’s getting there.

They are all staying there, her, her boyfriend (16), her friend (18) and occasionally her friends bf who is 21. Which I'm not happy about at all.

Bloody hell.

Did she do her GCSEs?

This sounds like carnage.
are you at least confident she’s using protection?

Yikes! If you've really no other adults who could help you craft an intervention here, I would contact the parents of the friend to ask them for some help. How old is the "aunt" whose house they are staying in? It's really irresponsible for any adults to be facilitating such arrangements. And I do hope that your daughter is using contraception.

For going forward in the future, what's the plan? If she's not in education or even looking for a job, how are you envisioning she's going to survive as an adult? It doesn't sound to me as if she's unable to cope with life (or as you say, in work or education environments) but rather that she's decided she doesn't want to and you're facilitating that learned helplessness by excusing it "because autism".

Please say she is at least on birth control? Ideally something that doesn’t rely on her remembering each day to take it!

Any adult (this friend’s aunt) who allows a 16 year old girl plus her 18 year old niece plus 21 year old man to stay over at hers night after night without thinking to maybe contact the mother of the 16 yr old… is a red flag.

This
she’s overwhelmed when it’s convenient clearly….. to suit her own agenda
selfiah and entitled springs to mind here

She’s 16, she shouldn’t be out all night elsewhere . She should be safe at home and all this running away shouldn’t be an option . She sounds like she needs firm boundaries and consequences. As her parent it’s a dangerous world out there and you need to keep her safe .