AIBU to feel guilty about not moving closer to ageing parents?

[Toohottothink12]

I moved to the UK first for uni then for love about 14 years ago, am very happy and settled here and have a family with my husband. We go to my home country very often to visit (on average every 2 months) and my DC are very close to my parents. We had planned to eventually move back there, but because of jobs and because of how settled my DC are, I'm unsure this is feasible now. We've in fact tried to both find suitable jobs there and it just didn't work out, with offers being withdrawn at last minute etc.

We've also been incredibly lucky to build a lovely circle of friends where we are and I highly doubt we'd be able to do this again somewhere else. DC speak the language, DH only a bit.

Now my parents are getting older I'm feeling a crushing guilt that I'm not nearer and every day I'm petrified that something could happen to them and I'm not there, and what would I do if one of them was on their own. I would love for them to move nearer me but this won't ever happen, they understandably don't want to move from where they are, so I'll have to either move back and disrupt everyone's life and probably have a much worse job, or just live with the guilt. (Just to clarify it's a high income very touristy country so there would be work but it won't be in my industry) DC would also have to leave their nice school and friends .

How did others navigate this situation? Should I just wait and see what time will bring or get planning?? Also what age do you think is too late to move young kids?

They have lived their life and you need to live yours. You have to prioritise your husband and children. Do what is best for them. Without being mean and horrible, you could move back and your parents die soon afterwards.

Thank you. I know exactly what you mean and this is what I'm thinking as well. It's truly beautiful there, and has great quality of life, but I've always felt more comfortable in England. I still have lovely friends in my home town but I think DC and husband would struggle at least in the beginning and DC have been very clear when it came up that they absolutely prefer living here in the UK. I wonder if I should just put all my effort into visiting as much as possible!

I think your kids have to be your priority here and it doesn't sound like it's in their best interests to move. I was moved around several times from age 6-12 and it was awful. The grandparents we eventually settled close too died very soon after we moved there. The future is unpredictable, you could end up hugely disrupting everyone's lives for very little gain.

Also don’t be afraid of going on your own. As kids get older and have their own lives have noticed friends with overseas parents going on their own to visit. Cheaper and easier and you can go outside school holidays

I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds tough.

The only reason we'd move would be my parents, to be nearer them.
Though on paper there would be many more advantages (but they don't really feed into this decision).
My kids are very "English" already and I can see that they are better suited to life and the climate here, for example my son can't stand the heat.

As a parent I would feel terrible if my child gave up her life to live closer to me

I miss her dreadfully and love her trips here and I’m sad she couldn’t get work locally BUT that’s nothing to the guilt I would feel if she moved back to take care of me

I've not viewed it from this angle yet, thanks for your perspective.

I moved across country to be closer to my mum, who has now passed away. I'm so glad I did, and so are my DC.

I think I have a slightly different vision to things to other people. For me, family comes first. Kids make friends wherever they are so wherever you go, they will make friends and then you feel guilty about moving them.

I'm not in contact with any of the kids I was at school with, so to miss out on time with cherished family members wouldn't have been worth it.

However it depends on the relationship with your parents, some people aren't so close.

What you could do is, get a holiday home near to them and spend part of the year there, home educating depending on how long you spend, or you could relocate there for a few years. You can always come back after that.

I would start with an extended holiday there and see how your kids get on.

Thank you for your perspective! I should explain - we do 5 weeks there every summer in one go, every Christmas, and then another at least 2 visits in between. The children love the time with their grandparents but are very happy to then return to England after. I've tried to broach the subject gently but they are very adamant they don't want to leave from where we are. My DH would be happy to provided we have a similar income or at least not be massively worse off than we are now.

My parents house fits all of us comfortably when we visit (it's two living units in one if that makes sense)

How old are your DC?

7 and 8

As it’s truly beautiful there and offers a lovely quality of life, YABVU to deprive your parents of their child and grandchildren, To deprive yourself of your parents, and to deprive your children of the chance to live somewhere truly beautiful. Lots of people like Britain, it doesn’t mean they should all live here.

Mine are 8 and 5. If you and DH are happy to give it a go, just do it. I don't know which country you are from but you can surely make it lovely for them with clubs, activities etc. My DH is from France and he would like us to move to the south of the UK so we can be closer to his mum. We are going to go on a camper holiday to see if we fall in love with somewhere.
However my kids are home educated.

Some families travel for a year, and you are allowed to take them from school for that, so you could take that angle. You could have your parents house as a base for a year of adventure and exploration. Try that and look up world schooling.

What about your DH’s parents? Are they in the picture?

It’s tough, but it is coming across to me that it is about you & your family, not your DH’s family.

If this is something that you and your DH are in agreement about, then now, at their current age, is a good time for your dc to move, as they will have time to assimilate.

But I very much agree with others, this needs to be about what is best for you, your DH & your dc.

Thank you, though I find this a bit off an odd reply somehow

What about your DH parents though, if you move you would have the same problem in reverse

Brilliant, thanks.

This isn't just about you and your DPs OP. You have a DH who presumably has a family of his own and who doesn't speak your language, whereas you speak his, so it makes absolutely no sense for you to drag your whole family to your home country. In addition, you couldn't do your highly paid job there and what would your DH do in a country where he doesn't speak the language?

You see your DPs every two months, which is more often than I see mine (we all live in the same country). Honestly, I think you need to make your peace with this. Many people don't live near their DPs, including in the same country, and even those that do don't always see them often. Guilt is a pointless emotion.

How old are your parents and do they have any specific health issues at the moment? How far away is your home country and how quickly could you be there in an emergency?

We would, however my DH 's sister lives here whereas my sister is also abroad.

@Dearg - thank you, can I ask do you know how that works- would we be able to take the kids out of their school for one year or maybe half that and then come back? My DS loves his school, he'd be very sad but maybe it'd be worth a try ..

Thank you! My job isn't highly paid but I work school hours, it's low stress and I get extra holiday, plus my boss is brilliant. The money isn't necessarily the reason but I wouldn't find work like this again. Our family life is very harmonic as we have enough breathing space with work from home etc

DH could probably work somewhere where English is the office language but it's proven difficult to find. You're right in that lots of people live away from family!

Not quite 2 hours flight and I love 20 mins from an airport here so I can be there fairly swiftly. My mum had some health issues earlier this year but better now and my dad is fit as a fiddle in his late 70s (touch wood!)

OP, you are not responsible for your parents, and you have to put your own life first - as any parent would want their adult child to do. If they need care in the future, I assume they will be able to access it in their own country. Yes, one day something will happen to them and you won't be there - but that could also be the case if you lived 5 minutes away.
Stop feeling guilty and enjoy the life you have.2

Judging by family experience, 13 is too late to move countries with a child. It becomes very unsettling for their sense of belonging. Personally I think you have a very balanced mix and you spend long stretches of time in your parents’ home in any case. Most people drive each other nuts after a few days so you’re doing very well to last 5 weeks! Your children will also associate your grandparents with quality, holiday time rather than being there as back up childcare.

I wonder whether life is almost going too well at the moment and you’re scratching an itch to worry? I wouldn’t trade your work-life balance for living permanently near your parents for arguably not much more ‘quality’ time.

I do think you need to forget the guilt stuff and just be very practical.

Start to look into how your parents will cope as they need more help. I'm assuming you are an only child, but do you have siblings who are nearer?

I don't know if it's appropriate yet but is in-home care available in your home country, they may not need it yet but how open to outside would your parents be? What happens when one dies? Horrible, but these things happen, you never know if or when, and dealing with it when everyone is in shock, grieving, possibly in ill health and at a distance is far worse if you haven't got some plans in mind.

As PPs say, you have no idea what will be involved, so you have to be ready for a whole lot of events which may not happen. In our case FIL died suddenly in his mid 80s, MIL lived another 11 years then we had two very difficult years when she developed Alzheimer's. My DF is still living independently at 93!

I have friends who were working all week and travelling 300 miles at weekends to deal with parents.

Sorry, no easy answer, just plan. Guilt won't help, just do your best and understand that it might not be easy