AIBU to feel guilty about not moving closer to ageing parents?

[Toohottothink12]

I moved to the UK first for uni then for love about 14 years ago, am very happy and settled here and have a family with my husband. We go to my home country very often to visit (on average every 2 months) and my DC are very close to my parents. We had planned to eventually move back there, but because of jobs and because of how settled my DC are, I'm unsure this is feasible now. We've in fact tried to both find suitable jobs there and it just didn't work out, with offers being withdrawn at last minute etc.

We've also been incredibly lucky to build a lovely circle of friends where we are and I highly doubt we'd be able to do this again somewhere else. DC speak the language, DH only a bit.

Now my parents are getting older I'm feeling a crushing guilt that I'm not nearer and every day I'm petrified that something could happen to them and I'm not there, and what would I do if one of them was on their own. I would love for them to move nearer me but this won't ever happen, they understandably don't want to move from where they are, so I'll have to either move back and disrupt everyone's life and probably have a much worse job, or just live with the guilt. (Just to clarify it's a high income very touristy country so there would be work but it won't be in my industry) DC would also have to leave their nice school and friends .

How did others navigate this situation? Should I just wait and see what time will bring or get planning?? Also what age do you think is too late to move young kids?

So I do think there's a lot to be said for taking the opportunity to have a year out. There is so much educational value in doing that, a good school with recognise its value.

Thank you. May I ask, is that even possible in terms of taking kids out of a UK primary? Will the head teacher allow that? I've never heard of this and am quick Google didn't give me much insight either unfortunately....

How old are your parents and how is their health?

Do you want to live there long term? If your parents weren’t around, would you be thinking of moving?

Do your parents want you to be closer? Even when you have a great relationship,
people don’t always want their adult
children moving nearby as they age, as they feel surveilled. And a lot of people really resist being helped at all as they get older.

We moved to be near my widowed mum when DC was 7. We moved partially also because we wanted to try living in my home county, and there was no language barrier for anyone. I’d always had a good and close relationship with my mum, and we were looking forward to spending time with her.

It was a LOT more complex than I had anticipated - my mother needed much more help than any of us had realised, to the extent that it was not possible for me to hold down a job in between settling my child in to a new school / house / country and taking care of my mother with mobility issues and cardiac problems and emergent cognitive decline (which included such surprises as late onset secret alcoholism, getting into car accidents, all sorts of alarming stuff). Keeping her house safe and liveable, and trying to get her appropriate treatment in a health system I’d never navigated as an adult was very challenging, and she became so needy of my time (while also wildly, violently resistant of my help) that my DH and DC hardly got any of my attention for months.

My mother died very suddenly less than 2 years after we moved - and I can tell you the guilt of that happening ‘on my watch’ was possibly worse than if I hadn’t been there at all, as the family had all been counting on me to sort out all her issues, keep her compliant with her meds, etc.

We’re OK here now because we like the place and have friends and a community - but I imagine if my husband and child had been struggling in a new language and culture while I was tied up with unexpectedly complex and harrowing elder care it would have been very, very hard.

Equally - and this feels awful to say - if my mother had lived another 5 or 10 years refusing all outside help, it would have totally consumed my life and had a profoundly negative effect on my own family.

The vision that brought us here involved DC having a close relationship with his gran, extended family weekend outings, our being on hand to change lightbulbs for my mum and take her bins out. I didn’t anticipate having to have her driving license revoked or constantly check she hasn’t left the gas cooker on, or discovering cupboards full of maggots because she’s put an open tin of cat food in with her best china.

If you take your DC out of school for a year you will be taken off roll. You will need to apply for a place when you come back. If undersubscribed school you should be okay, if full could be difficult but if KS2 they might be able to squeeze them in.

Sounds like you can get to your parents quicker than we can get to in-laws and they live in this country!

Is there good healthcare/elderly provision in their country

That's what I thought. The problem is that the school is oversubscribed, full to the rafters in my son's class. I don't think we'll get back in unfortunately. Yes, healthcare is of an amazing standard in my home country

Yes absolutely. I was a teacher. Some schools will try to dissuade you by talking about having to take them off roll etc but what a recommend is to join the world schooling Facebook group because they can give you precise advice about this.

are you happy with your DC in an over full class?
How come they are already in, if it's so full, why wouldn't they allow them in again?
Are there other schools nearby? Could you stay away until secondary?

Just some questions to mull over.

At 70 I don't think you need to be too worried about they needing help . Unless they have some conditions . Have they even asked you to do this ? In ten years time maybe because your kids would be older and a bit more independent. But is there any need to move permanently. Can't you spend extended time there if necessary. Also sounds like it is easy to get there. I know from my own family that no one expects DC to move countries for care needs . Very common for DCs to be in Australia, USA and Europe at any time .

I think, as they are in their 70s and have no chronic health problems, it may be too soon/ unnecessary to think about uprooting your own family here. It doesn’t sound like they actually need you close by at the present time. But in your shoes what I would do is use this time when they don’t need you to open up discussions with them and your sister (as she’s also abroad) to talk about what will happen when they get older and do need more help. Don’t leave your sister out of the equation. It’s not easy caring for elderly parents and the load should be shared wherever possible.

Thank you. No they haven't asked me to do that, though they were of course aware that we almost moved a few years ago (when the job offer fell through last minute). They dont say we should move nearby but of course it would make it much easier...

A lot of projected deprivation going on there 😄
No one owes their parents elder care, or uprooting your life, your children's lives and your husband just to be an unpaid carer to parents who are free to arrange their own future elder care.
You already visit them tonnes, your responsibility is to your kids.

A 2 hour flight isn't that far really; it takes me a couple of hours to travel by train to my Mum's house (or 1.5 hours drive) and that's travelling within the same county. My siblings live an 8 - 14 hours flight away from our Mum. Realistically it would take them a full day or two to get to her house in an emergency. I'm looking at moving closer to my Mum now she's in her 80s, but we have no children to consider and we'd be moving to a cheaper area for housing, so they'd be benefit to both sides.