AIBU to stop visiting as often now Mum has died?

[Gcn]

I moved from Ireland to Scotland 35 years ago. Until last year we would travel "home" 2 or 3 times a year. When there I'd catch up with family, but latterly was to see mum. Mum died last year. My brother has visited me a few times. My mum hadn't been across in about 10 years. My aunt visited a couple of times with her. My cousins have never been here.

I got a message from cousin today asking when we'd be across in the summer. I told him that we probably won't be - other holiday arranged. They replied with a crying emoji.

At mums funeral all my cousins were saying how they'd love to visit - they are v welcome to, but no one has.

Am I being unreasonable?? It's expensive for us to visit - we being the dog so need to bring car on Ferry, now that mums not there we need to pay to stay.

This is just inevitable. Your cousins will get over it. Few of them will make the trip to see you no matter how much they said they would. Its just what people say because its a social thing to say.

We live 4 hours from DHs home town. We visited a lot and DH went separately a lot too.
He has been a handful of times since his parents have died, mostly for things like funerals. I haven’t been once.
He is from a very large family but we have had minimal hospitality over the years, they were always awkward about meeting up, DH has to stay in hotels when he goes now.
His brother has been here very rarely and his parents came a few times, no one else has ever been to see us in nearly 30 years, despite going places nearby.
We get grief about not going, all the time. People like it when you make all the effort. I’m past caring now. The road goes both ways.

Would a big group holiday on neutral territory work eg hire a cottage/ villa in a European country for all the cousins?

I mean, it does generally make more sense for you to make the trip because you can catch up with everyone all at once, rather than lots of people separately travelling to you. So I think you should still visit sometimes, but YANBU to reduce the frequency now that your mum's no longer around.

There is something quite depressing about people who won’t ever visit and expect you to do all the running.

Agree, but not to have visited once in almost 35 years???

It is sad. It's almost like a second mini bereavement.

We live in the South West of England. I come from Edinburgh both Parents are now dead and I onky go back for a day trip to see my brother when we go to see DH's Parebts in Alloa once a year.

Once DH's DPs are gone we wont go back at all. If DHs brother or mine want to see us they kniw where we are. Neither have visited us although my DB travels this way fir work at times and DHs DB visits his DSIL 30 miles away from us at least twice a year.

We’re exactly the same and a few years ago I finally threw my toys out the pram and pointed out the fecking planes fly both ways…….

I also moved a journey from my home and relatives. Other than my deceased parents who visited twice in 10 years, my cousins and aunt haven't been to see me. They came on holiday to a town about a half hour drive from where I am, but didn't think to say - I could easily have met them for lunch one day.
I've given up trying, as there was a visible and verbally expressed view that I was the one who moved away, so I would need to do the travel and bear the cost of 'going home'.
It's hard but communication and effort doesn't have to only flow in one direction.

Haven’t been to my home town in over 10 years. I used to travel regularly but now that I have children in school and nowhere to stay for free, it just isn’t practical. Everyone is welcome to visit me, they don’t. I no longer feel bad about it. My parents live elsewhere so I visit them there.

be clear about your plans. If you intend to visit once a year or less often, say so. They can either accept that’s how often they will see you or visit you.

I hear you! It's like our families just don't really entertain the notion to come over for a visit.
I moved from Ireland to Yorkshire 25 years ago. During this time my only sibling has visited 5 or 6 times? I have invited her and my nieces over so many times but failing on deaf ears. My mum is in her 80's. When she passes, other than seeing my adult nieces, I see no reason to go back. It does bug me that any relationship that exists between her kids and mine is down to me making the effort. I know what I'm like, I know I won't be making the effort if it's not mutual.

I would just follow up with a message saying that you’d love to catch up with them if they’re ever in Scotland and they are always welcome if anyone wants to come and stay with you and leave it at that. It’s lovely that they feel sad that you’re not coming. As someone else said it’s easier for them to all see you all at once if you go over, but it may not be possible, so nothing you can do.

Don’t be pressured - visit as much or as little as you want.

there are video calls and phones and emails and group chats if they want to stay in touch and they can come to you too.

the ball is totally in your court.

What a compliment to you though that they miss you and would like to see you. That’s lovely and I wouldn’t rush to lose that connection.

We’ve had that with family. All the when are you visiting again questions but no one coming here. I’ve given up offering. My cousins know where I am, they have my phone number, do I hear from them? Nope!

As someone said the road goes both ways.

I'm in the same situation, I wouldn't see anyone apart from my mum if I didn't travel back to where my family lives If anyone asks me why they don't see me often, I point out that they can always visit me as I have opened up my home to some of them who did visit when I moved 17 yrs ago but they only ever came once and I think that was more out of curiosity than to actually spend time with me. Just be honest with them and then they should stop.

I totally agree with you. I moved from England to Ireland 10 years ago. I get the ferry over once every year. It costs us a grand every time as we have young children. We have to do the overnight ferry with a cabin or the travelling is unbearable. None of my friends have ever been over to visit, its always us doing the travelling. My MIL and SIL have only ever been once. I know it was my choice to move but there was no way I was bringing up children in Manchester, its awful. It shouldn't fall on you to visit, friendship with family and friends should work both ways. Not be one-sided.

My DSis moved to another country. I still feel a bit resentful that she expects me to visit her. It costs us £1k to fly there and back and then the additional costs of pet care, eating out etc, and I’m not that interested in the place she lives. It takes up annual leave and a chunk of our holiday budget to visit her. I do love her, but it pisses me off!

I live 2 hours from my family, the expectation is that I visit them, in order to get to the biggest nearest city they fairly regularly visit they pass within 3 miles of my front door..... guess how many visits I've had in the 24 years I've lived here.....

I moved from Ireland to Scotland 20 years ago and similar to yourself, the ones is on my to visit. I used to do it 6 times a year but that was costing around 4k to do (also drive and take ferry). My kids never had a holiday abroad as a result. My mum snd dad used to come once every 2 years hut since dad died during covid, my mum only comes if I pay and drive to Cairnryan to collect. My times home are exhausting as I drive all over to visit relatives and it's not much fun for my kids.
I now do a holiday abroad and save around £200 a month to allow for trips home.
I wish more of my family would come over to us but nope.
I think once mum dies,ill go once a year.

For us it’s literally 5 minutes. We live close to a main road they all drive on to get places.
We once went to a city 1 hour from his home town to go to something specific for DD. We got endless grief that we hadn’t ’popped in’ which would have taken several hours and spoiled the reason for the visit.

If someone has put zero effort in maintaining a connection for THIRTY FIVE years, believe them. Match their level of interest.

I think they are worried that now that your mother has passed away that the family link will be broken . It is often the way with cousins whose parents were the siblings that wanted to get together. As you are Irish you should know that you have to INVITE them to visit . It's a nice thing to keep in contact with extended family so do continue with phone and video calls .

My Dh moved from N Ireland to Scotland about 35 years ago. Met me at Uni (and for a long while I was seen by MIL as the bossy Scottish woman who stopped him going back - he was never going back!).

When our kids were smaller we’d go over a couple of times a year and MIL would visit as well, FIL (a very odd man) never did so it was the only way to see him. They’d been divorced for over 20 years.

FIL developed early onset Alzheimer’s 15 years ago and died 18 months ago. We visited regularly when he was in the care home but he really didn’t know us and Dh was very distressed by it all, but we did it anyway as he was also worried if he didn’t go.

Since FILs death there’s not the same urgency to visit. MIL is almost 80 and still very fit, and she tends to come to us as one flight is cheaper and easier than us going, and if she comes to us then she gets to see her grown up grandchildren too. We go over once or twice a year, but only for mil as all the relatives Dh is in touch with are older than her and even more frail. Once MIL is gone I think we, or more likely just Dh, will only go for funerals.

MIL would love us to come more often and have a close relationship with “cousins” (dc of her close friends that Dh has known his whole life) but they are all busy themselves and no one ever gets in touch with us in between the annual bbq and the Christmas picnic.

So we just plod on with mil coming over to us in Glasgow every couple of months and we go to her ad hoc but pretty much twice a year. The ferry is expensive and bloody awkward to get to. And much as MIL would still love it, we’re not moving to Belfast! But we remain in the good books cos we didn’t do what BIL and family did and move 8000 miles away to west coast Canada!

I live in a different part of the UK from my family. I see them twice a year (Christmas and summer). I used to go back multiple times a year and family would visit me. The last time anyone from my family visited was 4 years ago. I've cut back to twice a year, and I can see everyone in one visit. Doesn't stop me feeling guilty though, but they don't come to me either.