AIBU to be repulsed by DH skin-picking habit?

[Helpzone]

This is disgusting and I can barely bring myself to type it but here we go. My DH have a good strong relationship however I am repulsed by his disgusting habits. He picks his skin, fingers, scabs, face, toe nails. He eats it. Anywhere anything. And it’s constant. I can’t bear it any longer.

I can’t sit next to him and watch TV because he’s doing it. I can’t bear watching him interact with people because I can see him doing even if they haven't noticed. Occasionally I ask him to stop, but after the third time of me asking he says Im being mean, or Im just scratching an itch. It’s getting to the point where I am the problem for asking him to stop.

I either didn't notice it at first, or he was on his best behaviour. But I can’t deal with it and it will genuinely destroy our relationship.

I don’t think it’s overly anxious thing, more a habit. I have suggested he speak to a therapist but he says he can’t change.

AIBU to be so repulsed?

What do I do?!

It’s a very hard habit to break. I pick at my toes and used to bite my nails and it’s the same kind of thing. It’s compulsive, didn’t even notice I was doing it usually. I only managed to stop biting my nails after I had surgery… no idea why but when I woke up the compulsion was gone forever.

Id have found it very hard to stop if simply asked. So I’d be prepared for him not being able to stop.

If it’s escalated and not always been there I’d say it’s a stress response. Something is making him stressed or scared and I imagine you having a go at him frequently isnt helping. Try addressing it with compassion and not rage.

Trichotillamania is hair picking. Dermotillomania is skin.

It's pretty common in OCD, autism, sensory issues but yes, disgusting.

He could try a supplement called N-acetyl cysteine (NAC) which has a lot of research evidence behind it for dermatillomania (skin picking disorder). You'll find plenty of info on it if you google. I know people who compulsively skin picked who said they just no longer had the urge to do it after taking enough NAC.

This is definitely trichotillomania. I have it. Mines also more complex as I see bugs on my skin so I scratch them to get them off and I have sores all over my body.

I understand pp’s point. Love tends to offer some protection from repulsion, ie the things we deal with for our children’s sake! My DH does a couple of probably ‘objectively disgusting’ things, and I’d have a much higher threshold for telling him to stop than I would with strangers for example. Because I care for him and want him to feel free to be himself. And equally, when I’m annoyed with him, all his bad habits seem worse, everyone’s do. So I think pp is trying to say ‘repulsed’ as a choice of word, feels like it reflects your anger and maybe there’s more in this story.

I have this, constantly feeling my arms to see if any pimples/ scabs to pick and although I don't bite my nails as such,I am constantly putting them in my mouth which really annoys DH. I pick dead skin off my feet too. My dad is the same and our family are ND. There is a connection.

I....just....can't😱
Next level disgusting!

I used to compulsively pick my lips. And over the years the picking got worse. I’d be unaware I was doing it. 10 years ago my H left me for another woman. I stopped lip picking within the week and have never picked again. I think that whilst the picking started before I knew my H, the anxiety he caused in me heightened the picking over many years.

I know DH has done it for years because his family has mentioned how bad his hands were. It’s the way its evolved that its getting worse.

I don’t approach him with rage, we have normal conversations where I say along the lines of ‘Babe, please can you stop I can’t focus on what Im trying to say’ etc. Im never angry or hateful, just exasperated at this point.

But I am easily put-off I can’t help it. Prepared to admit Im the problem. I love him and want him to feel free but not to the point where said freedom means I can’t feel ‘free’ because Im living in a state of repulsion because I can’t help that either.

I’ve said above I’ve suggested therapy, I’ve suggested doctors. Many many times. All the things, but I can’t physically make him. The only thing I’ve not done is told him that I think it’s a genuine threat to our relationship.

Does he do it in company? At work? If not, he can control it.

It would be a dealbreaker for me I think. If he won’t even try to get help then he’s really not that bothered about the relationship is he?

The eating bit is the gross bit for me. The skin picking isn’t an uncommon ‘condition‘. I used to pick the hell out of my fingers, they were a mess, always randomly bleeding. DH wasn’t repulsed but obviously was concerned. In the end I started getting gel nails twice a month and I haven’t skin picked since and my fingers have recovered. But the picking and eating specifically is very unpleasant and I would find that pretty disgusting.

Perhaps he needs some sort of aversive treatment, every time he goes to eat a picked bit you yell NO but I think he’s probably so unaware he’s doing it now, gross as it is. He should definitely want to fix it though.

This is mind blowing. Are there two categories of people, those who pick and those who are repulsed by it? I’m a picker. I’ve tried to stop because it makes my fingers sore, but find it very hard. I had no idea other people were repulsed by it.

By the way, OP, have you tried caring for him in those moments? I don’t mean that in a snarky way, I mean carry a bottle of nail oil and apply it on him.

Personally, I was never nurtured as a child and find it really hard. Self care activities are really helpful to me to calm my twitchy system, but they don’t come naturally at all. I only started to understand it after therapeutic parenting training I did as a foster carer. I know you aren’t his parent, and that in itself is a turn off, but there are ways to care lovingly for a spouse that aren’t parentified.

Then tell him it’s a genuine threat. He may need a shark shock to get him to engage with help.

Most skin pickers do do it at work

I do this (picking not eating) - it’s part of my autism and a way of regulating and sensory seeking.

I assume if he’s doing it at home he’s doing it in work, supermarket, restaurant etc. This isn’t just you being repulsed by something, it will effect his work and colleagues, your friendship circle, people in restaurants.
I understand you love him but if won’t seek help then you will become very isolated.

I do the same, have seen my GP and am on a list for help nearly 3 years later. Even if you get help, it's not a magic wand.

I know I do it more when I'm unhappy or worried, as PP said it's way of self regulation, and actually is considered a form of self harm.

Telling him off won't help, it's more likely to make it worse.

He could have dermatillomania. A form of OCD, can be stress triggered. I have it, but don’t eat the skin or pick toe nails! I just pick spots. And if I don’t I can get quite anxious. It’s Like people having to say things twice or touch a table three times or whatever but physical. You can get CBT for it.

Hypnotherapy could work, but he'd have to engage. If he's ND and does it in a sensory seeking way, it might help to have a replacement activity for hands/mouth. I don't blame you for finding it repulsive but I hope you can find solutions that work for you both. It would be sad if it drove you apart.

Have you thought about leaving him?

He doesn’t care enough about you to try and change.

I also have this disorder. I tape up the fingers and toes I pick at the most with physio sports tape which is very adhesive. It works.

He needs help, willpower and alternatives.

The fact he doesn’t care about what you think of feel about the more disgusting element of eating it suggests the death knoll for your relationship. I would tell him this.

This repulsion is real and will get worse.
It is a type of stimming some people do.
It is repulsive and you cannot help how you feel.
Have you had children with him?
If not, then don't.