AIBU to be repulsed by DH skin-picking habit?

[Helpzone]

This is disgusting and I can barely bring myself to type it but here we go. My DH have a good strong relationship however I am repulsed by his disgusting habits. He picks his skin, fingers, scabs, face, toe nails. He eats it. Anywhere anything. And it’s constant. I can’t bear it any longer.

I can’t sit next to him and watch TV because he’s doing it. I can’t bear watching him interact with people because I can see him doing even if they haven't noticed. Occasionally I ask him to stop, but after the third time of me asking he says Im being mean, or Im just scratching an itch. It’s getting to the point where I am the problem for asking him to stop.

I either didn't notice it at first, or he was on his best behaviour. But I can’t deal with it and it will genuinely destroy our relationship.

I don’t think it’s overly anxious thing, more a habit. I have suggested he speak to a therapist but he says he can’t change.

AIBU to be so repulsed?

What do I do?!

Wow that's such a hard one OP. I haven't got any advice, but I wanted to say that I absolutely couldn't stand that either. It makes my skin crawl just reading your post! If he can't stop, can you find some way to make your peace with it? I genuinely feel for you, that's a really awkward one

Does he realise when he's doing it?

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/skin-picking-disorder/

Repulsed is a strong word to use about any aspect of your spouse.

Is there anything else wrong in your relationship?

Its just that if my husband did something I really didn't like, i wouldn't use the word replused about him.

He needs a Gp appointment. He needs help, this is an awful habit and quite gross.

That's quite frankly fucking gross. The temptation to shout stop that would be my solution.
Failing that I'd ltb

I do do this - and it descends into him shouting back at me to leave him alone 😑

How repugnant. And how inconsiderate of him to not want to try to change.

I’d say he needs to get some sort of therapy or it’s game over. Imagine years of being increasingly repulsed/annoyed/embarrassed by this?

Yuck. I could probably get past the picking but not the eating. I don’t have much advice but YANBU.

If I was doing it I’d expect my DH to be repulsed by it too. Surely it’s an objective fact that it’s a disgusting repulsive habit whether its a stranger or spouse doing it.

Sounds like a mental health issue. I know someone with OCD who compulsively pulls her hair. Yanbu for finding it disgusting, but I'd encourage him to see a GP.

It is objectively repulsive but there’s always one on MN!

I couldn’t deal with this - and I say that as someone whose ND DH has some annoying habits that I try to discourage, because they’re also mildly unhygienic. I’d say to him that either he asks GP for a referral for therapy or you separate. I am very much not a LTB person, but that’s too much.

This is why fidget toys exist to keep hands and fingers busy. There are also specific picking ones, things embedded into a gel like substance that you can melt again in the microwave and put the beads back into for another go.

Have a google. I have always picked my skin, it is a nervous habit I started when I 4 and started school. I only pick my lips and fingers, never toenails or feet. I have squishy things, ones that give pain feedback, not in an excruciating way but you can squeeze them and you get some satisfaction from it. I use these when watching tv.

He probably wouldn't sit and do this picking at work so I would suggest you look at things together to keep his fingers occupied. A literal google search for fidget toys would be a good starting point.

I’d say repulsed is pretty tame in this context

So this is a new thing?
Or he did it when you married him but maybe it’s got worse?

If he’s always done it but it’s got worse then
leave. You aren’t responsible for the change he is.
If its new behaviour try and find why it started and see what it replaced.

He definitely used to bite his nails and the skin around and this was gross, his fingers were an absolute state and it was off putting having a conversation and he was physically gnawing of his fingers. Which was bad but bearable as he’d stop. Now its escalated in the past few years.

As someone with compulsive skin picking disorder I do have sympathy with him. It’s probably not something he wants to do. It’s so hard to stop. Eating it is gross though, especially toe nails.

I make a real effort not to pick my nails or my skin around others but sometimes if I’m anxious I don’t realise it’s happening. My skin can get sore too. And then it’s a really vicious cycle

Oh just to add- the GP won’t help. Well mine didn’t.

I sat behind a woman at a conference the other day and she was picking scabs off her head and eating them. Because of the way the seats were laid out, if she leant back and I leant forward, I got a very close up view. It was rank!!! (Obvs backed away as fast as I could when I realised what was going on.) I think everyone has a scab to pick or a nose to pick at some point, but doing it so unashamedly and in public is a very different matter 😳

There’s a condition related to OCD called trichotillomania. It includes skin picking, eating, pulling eyebrows/eyelashes/spots - anything. There are specific triggers for an individual and yes it can take over. Doing it feels soothing (a bit like self harm) and it’s incredibly hard to stop, especially on your own. Mine started when I was about 7 - period of family instability and chickenpox. I got enjoyment from finding the spots on my head. That morphed into picking wallpaper and corners of book pages. These days it’s wiry eyebrow hairs (post menopausal) when I am work/people stressed and skin around toes if I have a drink.

Google the condition and have a supportive chat with DH. He genuinely can’t help it. CBT via the gp and some of the items mentioned could help.

Hugs, my husband and kids are driven wild by mine, but at least understand the condition now xx

I’m the same I can pick the skin on my fingers (generally my right thumb, I call it my picky thumb) till they bleed! There’s very little I can do to stop it!! I have a fidget ring that sometimes helps by I think it’s related to anxiety and no matter how many times DH tells me to stop it I can’t and him getting eggy makes it worse!!
The picking and eating toenails is yuk but I’m guessing if it’s skin picking disorder he really can’t help it!

He needs to seek professional help or you are done...

he has trichotillomania - it’s a genuine MH condition . It can respond to treatment so rather than be repulsed - why don’t you help him seek some help???

it’s compulsive - currently untreated he can’t help himself - show a bit of compassion and support him to get the help he really needs.

I pick the skin round my fingers till they bleed. DH hates it. They get really sore and it hurts to pick but i still do it. It's a nervous thing. Very difficult to just stop on demand but if I tape up all my fingers so I can't pick anything I am able to stop by breaking the cycle and then after i just rub my my fingertips a bit instead and eventually stop doing that. The problem with the picking is it all just gets pickier/more pickable the more you do it. He could do this over a weekend as it's difficult to type etc. I've found the tape which is used to tape on a cotton ball/swab after a blood test is good, doesn't leave residue and is waterproof so doesn't fall off. Was about to do this, thank you for the reminder.

I skin pick (dont eat it though) and it is SO tough, because I have no idea im doing it. But I have days where I do it all day long. I need to buy a fidget ring actually.
Have you tried approaching him not in the moment, so not when he's actually picking as that will be triggering embarrassment and shame, a moment where all calm so to speak?