AIBU to think my manager is resetting boundaries after mixed signals?

[scared2work]

NC for this. I’m really struggling with something that happened at work and would appreciate some outside perspectives. For reference both very much single. Not the kind of people to go for hookups or casual relationships etc.

Over the past few months, I became very close to a manager in my department (he isn’t my direct line manager, but he is a team manager). We texted every day, talked constantly, and became genuine friends. There also seemed to be some mutual chemistry. We have hung out together outside of work and held hands a few times, so I felt like I wasn’t imagining that there was something more than friendship.

Last Sunday we went to the theatre together, just the two of us - we had a lovely time. We’ve been to the theatre before, as well as drinks and lunch outside of work.

On Monday I made a joke about him being the big boss’s favourite and having a close working relationship with them.

Afterwards, he texted me saying, “You need to stop with this. Line crossed.”

Since then everything has changed. The daily texting stopped immediately and when I saw him at work he was polite but completely professional with me. What made it even harder was seeing him laughing and joking with our other colleagues as normal while keeping me at arm’s length. It made the contrast impossible to ignore.

I’m now off work for three weeks on holiday. Last week he asked me to bring him something back. But now he’s said he doesn’t want me to and instead of feeling excited, I just feel empty. I’m used to talking to him every day and suddenly there’s nothing. It feels like I’ve lost someone important.

The hardest part is that it’s made me question everything. If someone can switch off so suddenly, was there ever really anything there to begin with? Or has he simply decided that whatever was developing between us isn’t appropriate because of work?

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Does it sound like someone consciously resetting the relationship because the boundaries had become blurred?

I’m not looking for false hope—I know I need to respect whatever boundary he’s set. I just can’t stop feeling sad about how quickly everything changed and I’m finding it hard not to question whether what I thought we had was ever real in the first place…

What exactly was the joke you made?

How often have you taken the piss out of him? Does he take the piss out of you?

Sounds like it hit too close to home and wasn't funny.

So he had a good time, led you on a bit then decided he had has his fun. Take the high road

I don’t understand the joke you made, did you offend him or did he decide it’s too familiar?

You either went too far with the joke, or he has been told by his manager that it is not appropriate for him to be dating a junior colleague.

Did you say that joke in front of others?

Boundaries were well crossed prior to that comment.

Is this the excuse he is taking to hold you responsible for that and put things back to how they should be?

You sound really lonely and like you’re relying on colleagues for the wrong sort of attention.

Personally, when someone is interested in dating you they make it clear, even in a work relationship. He’s given a clear signal that he doesn’t want to progress a romantic relationship with you, or even a friendship at this point. If he was interested in it, he’d be totally enthusiastic and asking you to be his GF/BF etc. Yes, work can make dating awkward but ultimately so many people meet the one through work and therefore make it happen with the right person. Instead he’s clearly giving a change in communication to back off.

Your thought process shouldn’t be “was his feelings real?” but moreso seeking therapy as to how you got here and why you ended up so reliant on this dude for emotional support when you should have an entire life outside of work/support system whereby when something like this happens it doesn’t derail you from enjoying your life outside of work

We do take the piss out of each other quite a bit. Everyone says he's the boss's golden child - a bit of a sycophant, perhaps - which he more or less admits to.

The boss was away that day, so I joked that he must be missing his "best friend" but tomorrow would be better because he'd be back.

I think he has potentially had a think and realised he maybe might feel embarrassed having a “relationship” with a colleague and he’s pulled back.
I’m not sure about the joke or wether you took it too far but I’d say something has happened and he has decided to stop whatever is going on.

It does seem a bit like he has lead you on though, don’t be afraid to ask what’s happened x

It sounds as if the joke may have hit a nerve. He has a close working relationship with the bigger boss, which you have noticed enough to comment on. You didn't necessarily mean anything by your comment, but perhaps it's made him realise that people may have noticed your close relationship and be commenting on that too!

He may have been advised by a colleague/senior management that it wouldn't be appropriate to have a relationship with a colleague. Perhaps he's re-evaluated your friendship, and has decided it needs to be professional.

However, regardless of the reasons behind his decision, he should have been honest with you, to just completely back off, with no real explanation is mean.

I think you have to accept that your relationship will be purely professional going forward, and keep conversation to a minimum and work related.

There’s probably some truth in this. My career is incredibly all-consuming. It never stops. Literally no such thing as a weekend.

It’s a very small world where everyone knows everyone else. Individuals become close friends, relationships form and people marry each other, so the line between personal and professional life can become very blurred.

I think I was too familiar. I highly doubt anyone else would have made the comment to his face…

You think the joke was too familiar, but you don't have a problem going for drinks and the theatre with him?! I suggest your idea of a proper working relationship with managers is a bit skewed.

I suspect that somebody (his boss?) warned him that he was behaving in a way that would not help his career. Can I suggest that you also revisit the parameters of your employment? The way you describe it does not sound healthy.

I mean this kindly. It's all just work. Most of us are basically typing all day. We may lose our jobs at any time. A lot of us have.

I always think of The Devil Wears Prada. They all think the magazine is the most important thing. Outside of that bubble no one cares.

Going out to the theatre etc can be respectful. Holding hands can be respectful.

Your joke… was it maybe a bit cruel? A bit as if you didn’t respect him?

Would you have made that sort of joke ‘to his face’ outside of work? I wonder if he found your work joking too different to your lovely personal atmosphere out of work

Sounds like he has realised he has behaved inappropriately. The rebuke to you is ridiculous when he has TOTALLY crossed a line. Hand holding? I don’t do that with any of my work friends. The joke may be entirely the excuse he needed as he realised he’d been inappropriate

Definitely try hard and rebalance your life…gym, beauty treatments, massages definitely help reset a hurt heart…have a good moan to women friends or these therapists - they’ll have some tales to tell you I promise 💐💐

He clearly didn’t like having the piss taken out of him at work.

So maybe your course of action should be to disengage regardless of whether he is keen or not. As in, if he shows interest in future, you need to back off and protect yourself and consistently do that regardless of him being hot & cold.

Also, given what you said here, chances are someone else has brought you up to him to say his relationship with you is inappropriate. Whether it’s someone in a work context or someone in his personal life. You say he’s single, but the definition of single isn’t that clear cut. He might be living with, or dating someone else, who took issue with the theatre outing. I really doubt in the last few months since you’ve been “close”, that he’s been celibate for example.

He's not into you , it's become awkward for him move on

Does it sound like someone consciously resetting the relationship because the boundaries had become blurred?

I voted YANBU because you’re thinking - as above - is correct and with you making your joke, it just highlighted this for him. He values his place at work, management position, and doesn’t want this to change. So he’s uncomplicated things and set professional boundaries. Sorry @scared2work he probably does like you but not enough to risk his big boss discovering he’s in a relationship with you.

You’ll have to move on. Enjoy your holiday and forget him. There’s plenty more fish in the sea.

Did you say this in front of other work
colleagues?

I think you touched a nerve. He probably doesn't want people thinking he gets preferential treatment of any sort. I think your joke, while at surface level was no different to previous and probably what others have said, was received differently as it comes from you. Your relationship with him is different, so you probably could have made the same joke if you didn't have the relationship with him that you evidently do, or did.

FWIW, I am a man, and I don't think you did anything wrong. He either needs to own it, or change the way he is perceived. You don't have anything to be regretful of. You didn't intend it to be received in the way it apparently was.

If you want to salvage it, or at least try, I would be tempted to juat say something along the lines of "not sure why what I said was received badly, it wasn't meant to be provocative, or cause you to take umbrage." Then leave it there.

If anything develops again, so be it. Or not.

To be honest I disagree with the responses here, I think you need to be very careful at work and be mindful of some type of retaliation against you. Ie sudden performance concerns to try and remove you from your role bc this guy is now uncomfortable with your presence.

He is clearly taking the first step by putting in writing your “inappropriate behaviour”? What he said, comes across like he is writing it for an audience ie in case he needs to use it as documentation in future.

You two were seeing each other outside of work and starting to go on dates and starting to play physically with the hand holding.

You then "joked" about him being the boss's favorite. It's very likely it's exactly what he said, you crossed a professional boundary and he didn't appreciate it. And you did that at work. He can't let that slide. You implied he got where he is due to favoritism. And you having dates with him while saying something like that looks like you're looking for him to give your career a push if he can, so he might think you want favoritism from him.

I think he just realized he was in too deep with a junior employee when you made that comment. You felt you could overstep professional boundaries because of your personal relationship. He just let you know that's not so.

Back off, keep it completely professional from her on out and no more meetups and dates outside the office. Keep your personal life separate and private from your work life.