AIBU to cut people off based on their words/actions?

[ActionsConsequences]

Just after some opinions because a couple of friends have said I'm "hard" and "harsh" and my mum has also said I need to forgive people more.

I was dating someone for nearly 2 years and made it clear kids were not on the cards for a number of reasons.
He then told me by voicenote that actually, he wants more kids.
Now I have no problem with someone changing their mind, but I have a huge problem with being told on a voicenote. I believe it should have been a conversation.

We eventually met and he said well actually, he's not 100% sure.
I was like "so what? You think I'm supposed to sit here and wait for you to make a decision?"😂🖕
He conceded that it was a selfish thought.
I said that I deserved to be told in a better way, and while I am friends with some of my exes, they are men who have shown me respect and that I won't be keeping in touch. We said our goodbyes and I archived the chat(hindsight, I should have blocked but hey ho).
I shed some tears and was sad for a bit, but I've focused on losing some weight, pivoted to a new industry etc.

I noticed the other day that the archive folder has unread messages. Turns out he's been complimenting any pictures I've put up on my WhatsApp stories and has just been sending missing you/memories messages.

Now one of my friends has been adamant from the beginning that he just "misspoke". She's now taking the messages as proof he's a good guy.

I said no. I'm going by the words he said and if he never meant to say it, then he shouldn't have said it. He should have sat with his feelings, made a decision and came to me properly. She said I'm being too harsh and no-one is perfect.
I don't think I'm asking for perfectionism though.

After a gym sesh today, dating came up and I was telling my other friend about the messages and that I'm going to have to block him. She said why? He's only being polite. The relationship had been good, it was only one issue and that if I've truly forgiven him, I could just say thanks for the compliments.

I said no. There's no point in us having any type of conversation. Texts saying missing you doesn't sound like he just being polite, and I'd never trust that he's not just using me as a second choice because he hasn't found someone to have kids with. She said I'm too hard.

My mum... She's still friends with her ex. They still go to dinner and chat. The ex and I still messaged on birthdays, holidays etc.

Now about 4 years ago, I saw him coming out of a woman's house near my mum's one evening. I asked him what was going on and he said he was dropping her car back from the garage he worked at.
My mum believed him so that was that.

This year, I saw him coming out of the same house at 8 in the morning, locking the door with a key.

Anyway his birthday came round and my mum mentioned that he hadn't heard from me. I said "...and he won't. I don't associate with people who lie to my face and still expect Happy Birthday messages". She said she's forgiven him so I should too, no-one is perfect. Again, why jump to perfectionism? Is there no middle ground?

YABU You are asking for perfectionism and should be open to talking to these 2 people.

YANBU You're right. Words means things and actions should have consequences.

I mean it’s up to you isn’t it? I’ve never felt the need to actively block someone, but I have made decisions not to give them any more time, but generally they’ve been pretty big clowns for that.
there’s probably just no need to be so black and white, if relationships don’t work let them fade

I would guess if a couple of your friends and your mum have felt the need to say something maybe your tolerance for feeling wronged is a little of the bar?

It's your life and your call.

I am curious as to why you feel the need to get an opinion from MN though?

Thanks. I just find it odd because it's not like I talk about them unless asked.
I have so much going on right now, I'm not thinking about them at all.

I'm genuinely curious about other people's opinions.

I understand your rationale, and certainly wouldn’t encourage you to remain ‘close’ or trustful of these people, but your responses are quite extreme with blocking and behaving as though they’re dead to you.
You say ‘is there no middle ground?’ Yes, there is! And you’re not finding it.
There’s no need to cut people off because of mistakes made or personality flaws. You can just quietly learn who they are, remove any trust or dependency you had with them, and simply become civil, courteous, but no more.

YOU will make mistakes and/or disappoint people at times. Wouldn’t you hope for a softer landing with them than you currently offer to others?

Your mum's ex is an ex, not a partner so hasn't done anything wrong as far as I can see.

I have no time for people who act like idiots and clowns and I don't engage with them.

Why has your mums ex done wrong? If he is sing me he can go and see and do whatever he wants and doesn’t owe you an explanation?

Your ex, I think he was wrong to tell you over voicenote but I also think that this kind of topic is really difficult for some people and I’m he agreed it was wrong when you spoke face to face. I think it’s pretty normal for people to not be 100% sure about kids and at least he was upfront about that instead of wasting your time.
If you don’t want to be friends with him you don’t have to be and I think if he has been continuing to send you those unwanted messages without any response from you then i would either block him or just reply and say something like x we spilt however long ago and it’s time to stop sending these kinds of messages to me as I have moved on.

I don’t think either man here has done wrong. Your mum’s ex has moved on after they’d split, if I’m understanding correctly.

Your ex has realised he maybe does want kids so you’re not compatible. He may have used a voice note as people used letters years ago- to get their thoughts out about a difficult topic without being interrupted. it wouldn’t make sense to restart anything with him as you now know you’re not compatible in terms of major future plans/ dreams.

In the past I would have said you were being too harsh. Now, being older and much more experienced, I salute you and think this is entirely fine behaviour. Women tolerate far too much bad behaviour from men. Cutting them off sends a clear message.

Can you explain the relevance of your mum’s ex in all of this ?

Anyway you discussed a break up of a 2 year relationship because he didn’t communincate something to you in the way you think he should have. Fair enough that’s entirely your perogative. To summarise, you cried and were sad for a bit. Either this 2 year relationship was not that deep or your personality is to lock emotions away and minimise them as much as possible. It’s projecting a very very brittle image of you. If you weren’t that upset about the break up then there’s nothing to discuss but I wonder why you feel the need for a long post here about it.

Its situation specific isn’t it?

There is definitely a place for the hardline approach with someone you are sure you want to exclude from your life and I don’t believe in giving people multiple chances when they have shown they can’t be trusted.

Your approach does seem a bit brutal though. Human relationships aren’t always black or white. As a general rule I think people are too trigger happy with blocking and deleting. Its the nuclear option which you can’t easily come back from and unnecessarily dramatic.

Thank you.
I do learn quietly and am civil in certain situations. I'm probably a bit harder with men if I'm honest.

I'm definitely not perfect. When I make mistakes/ disappoint people I take accountability for it, apologise. If they decide to stop talking to me (and people have), I take it as a lesson learned.

I mentioned my mum's ex because when I told my mum I saw him in the area, she admitted that he hadn't really been bringing a car back. He had cheated on her with that person.
He doesn't owe me an explanation at all, and if my mum still wants him her life that's cool.
I'm not sending him Happy Birthday messages though.

I genuinely don't have a problem with my ex changing his mind. It's the insistence that I'm being hard and harsh by not replying to him that I'm questioning.

The relevance was to show the situations why 3 close people in my life are calling me hard and unforgiving.

Recently I got blocked by an old friend. I was recently bereaved and had no bandwidth for her insensitivity and I offended her by snapping at her.
It seems clear to me now that she had never really cared for me, or she wouldn’t have blocked me. All my close friends, I told them about it, and they all said that she was never really a friend, and she just showed it.
I’ve digested her absence and realised they were right. If she had genuine warmth toward me she would have given me latitude and been kind.
Nobody pivots into rapid rejection and coldness, toward someone they truly care for. Not for a communication hiccough.

I have zero tolerance now for people that piss me off.

As far as I’m concerned, people who piss me off are dead to me, I won’t acknowledge they exist.

I’m with @DogAnxiety TBH, having been a victim of domestic abuse in my marriage, I also think it was unreasonable of him to have left a voice note about such a sensitive topic, especially already knowing your views. I think as women we are still socially pressured to be more forgiving and “nice” and “kind” and “understanding” especially towards men. Who often take advantage of that consciously or unconsciously.

Sorry for your loss of your loved one.

I've also had a close friend stop speaking to me and it was absolutely devastating. I'm glad you've been able to process it.

@ActionsConsequences Thankyou so much, my
heart is touched right now by you saying that. Bereavement really takes it out of you.
It’s a bit much isnt it! Processing it was a priority because it was a bit surreal, tbh! Doesn’t stop it being hurtful. So I feel for you, for sure. 💜

Sorry to hear that. Well done for getting out.
I grew up watching my mum and aunties be victims of DV.
I'm aware this makes me more suspicious of men and I've had therapy about it.

I agree about societal pressure. I've seen so many red flags explained away as "just men".

You sound manic and unhinged. I'm guessing you're one of these people who will become political over a light-hearted joke? Do you ever lighten up?

There’s a middle ground. But ultimately you don’t have to engage with anyone for the sake or it or forgive them if they’ve hurt you.
I try to be forgiving where I can because I know that I too can be blunt, sometimes say things without thinking it through properly and make mistakes. I’m glad others forgive me for things.
You can be ‘hard’ and you’re not wrong to be no contact with the ex. But in some situations it also would be ok to turn a page and allow people another chance.

Do you perhaps wonder why you are single? A bloke and you break up and he's nice and likes your posts, messages that he misses you. You "no fuck off you did something I didn't like" normal person "I get that, but we wanted different things"

Your mum's ex, that's your mum's ex has moved on. He's still friends with your mum, they have shared history, they catch up from time to time. You "no he's a cunt...he lied to spare me and mums feelings what a cunt".

Can I ask are you as hard on yourself and your mistakes. If so it's a flaw and you need to recognise it, if no then you need to get off your high horse and realise that you ain't perfect nor is anyone else

OP, only you know who you want in your life. I think many people would have come to similar conclusions as you but perhaps phrased their thoughts differently. You sound like you see rights and wrongs in a very black and white way, as some people do, and are not a fan of nuances and second chances, which is again completely up to you.

Your friends and family, when hearing you talk about your decisions, might be concerned that by being so direct, you will cause unhappiness for yourself in the future. This is because they want good things for you,

I think it is good to have an idea of what behaviour you will tolerate in a friend. I can't bear lying so an untruthful person wouldn't be a suitable friend. I'm not an enormous fan of continuously cancelled arrangements either, but this isn't a problem in terms of friendship. It would be a minor peeve and could overlook it with grace. Perhaps your list of things you won't tolerate would be worth reconsidering in case you have some minor things on your major list by accident.

It is your life, OP, and you don't have to give your time to anyone although expressing this with kindness is worth it, in my opinion. You might think this is intolerable but say sorry, you can't make it/this won't work for you. You can't be true to yourself without explaining all your feelings directly to the person responsible. It just might make your life more harmonious and this might be what friends and family are hinting at.