AIBU to cut people off based on their words/actions?

[ActionsConsequences]

Just after some opinions because a couple of friends have said I'm "hard" and "harsh" and my mum has also said I need to forgive people more.

I was dating someone for nearly 2 years and made it clear kids were not on the cards for a number of reasons.
He then told me by voicenote that actually, he wants more kids.
Now I have no problem with someone changing their mind, but I have a huge problem with being told on a voicenote. I believe it should have been a conversation.

We eventually met and he said well actually, he's not 100% sure.
I was like "so what? You think I'm supposed to sit here and wait for you to make a decision?"😂🖕
He conceded that it was a selfish thought.
I said that I deserved to be told in a better way, and while I am friends with some of my exes, they are men who have shown me respect and that I won't be keeping in touch. We said our goodbyes and I archived the chat(hindsight, I should have blocked but hey ho).
I shed some tears and was sad for a bit, but I've focused on losing some weight, pivoted to a new industry etc.

I noticed the other day that the archive folder has unread messages. Turns out he's been complimenting any pictures I've put up on my WhatsApp stories and has just been sending missing you/memories messages.

Now one of my friends has been adamant from the beginning that he just "misspoke". She's now taking the messages as proof he's a good guy.

I said no. I'm going by the words he said and if he never meant to say it, then he shouldn't have said it. He should have sat with his feelings, made a decision and came to me properly. She said I'm being too harsh and no-one is perfect.
I don't think I'm asking for perfectionism though.

After a gym sesh today, dating came up and I was telling my other friend about the messages and that I'm going to have to block him. She said why? He's only being polite. The relationship had been good, it was only one issue and that if I've truly forgiven him, I could just say thanks for the compliments.

I said no. There's no point in us having any type of conversation. Texts saying missing you doesn't sound like he just being polite, and I'd never trust that he's not just using me as a second choice because he hasn't found someone to have kids with. She said I'm too hard.

My mum... She's still friends with her ex. They still go to dinner and chat. The ex and I still messaged on birthdays, holidays etc.

Now about 4 years ago, I saw him coming out of a woman's house near my mum's one evening. I asked him what was going on and he said he was dropping her car back from the garage he worked at.
My mum believed him so that was that.

This year, I saw him coming out of the same house at 8 in the morning, locking the door with a key.

Anyway his birthday came round and my mum mentioned that he hadn't heard from me. I said "...and he won't. I don't associate with people who lie to my face and still expect Happy Birthday messages". She said she's forgiven him so I should too, no-one is perfect. Again, why jump to perfectionism? Is there no middle ground?

YABU You are asking for perfectionism and should be open to talking to these 2 people.

YANBU You're right. Words means things and actions should have consequences.

What has your mum and her ex got to do with any of it?

Are you saying it's been many years since you dated this guy?

I'm not sure what you're looking for in terms of advice. You can spilt with someone for whatever reason and just forget about them. It's not a good idea to have them living in your head when you don't have an actual relationship.

It's clear this wasn't someone you could remain friends with else you would have.

Should you have split with him because he left a voice note about wanting kids, then said he wasn't actually sure? Idk. It's up to you really but for me that alone wouldn't be a deal breaker. People can be honest in saying they don't know if they want more kids or not.

But of course if that's a boundary that it must to be a definite no to kids then you've done the right thing by your own standards.

So stop dwelling on him.

Thank you. This is ultimately the type of message I was hoping to get.
I'm not coming from a place of anger or aggression.

I don't think "no fuck off you did something I didn't like"
I think "we ultimately want different things, so further conversation is going to end up hurting one or both of us."
Nor do I think "no he's a cunt...he lied to spare me and mums feelings what a cunt".
I think "He's no longer with my mum and his actions don't align with my values, so there is no need to initiate further contact."

Yes, I have the exact same standards for myself.
I've been working on my perfectionist tendencies in a work setting.

I don't wonder why I'm single. As I said in a previous message I grew up surrounded by DV which makes me very suspicious of men. I've actually calmed down a lot with therapy and I felt I reached a place where I was open enough but kept boundaries that made me feel safe. Maybe it's something I need to look at again. Thanks again for the message.

Thank you. Believe it or not, I did created my list in therapy. I suppose I could look at it again.

Seeing the honeymoon period before DV began with not just my mum but my aunties as a child made me put everything on the no-go list.

There is nothing wrong with having standards and not wasting your time on men who don't meet them.

That's pretty much the Burned Haystack method of dating.

I did vote yanbu but mainly for your situation. I think you were a bit ott with your mums ex. He is allowed a private life and didn’t need to tell you he was shagging the woman that lives there.

But in regards to your ex, it should have been an adult conversation. And splitting over this, it would be hard to stay friends when it’s ended over different wants rather than falling out of love.

No, she doesn’t sound manic. Do you understand what mania is?

To me it works both ways, if it is acceptable for me to write someone off juat on one thing they should be ok to do that to me?

I know on here men have to be perfect saints but to me i won't do that to someone and woud think it ia unfair for them to do it to me

Why were you bothered about your mum’s ex leaving another woman’s house, unless you meant this was at the time he was in a relationship with your mum?

If women were not quite so polite and nice to people who are not polite and nice to them, maybe this place wouldn't be so full of women posting about their lives suddenly falling apart because they were too nice to see what was going on.

A no nonsense assured approach is a good thing. Saves you a lot of heartache.
Not tolerating liars (a big dislke if mine too), nothing wrong with that.

The voicenote thing was also cowardly. He seemed to be messing you about, seeing as you already said no to kids. Why did he think you growing his child in your body was his choice over your stated objections. Frankly, I would have told him to his face to fuck right off.

So what if you are perceived as "hard". For the record, I don't think you are. You're you and it is your choice to be who you want to be. You sound willing to take any consequences of your choices. You sound like you give a decent amount of consideration to things. You're not bulldozing through these people, you just know when you don't want to play nice for no good reason or against your own best interests. You have strong boundaries. Don't apologise to anyone for that.

My initial reaction is that you do seem harsh and unforgiving. But, thinking about it. You do bot have to compromise or forgive. It is completely up to you. Changing his mind about kids doesn't make him bad but, again, if you stay with gin there will possibly be resentment which is no good. The texts may be because he feels intimidated by you, because you very black and white. But, that's not necessarily something you should change .Do what you need to.

Wow that's changed my views. So you are as hard on yourself. Personally I was brought up to trust no one and as a result have few friends...lots of acquaintances but no close friends. I am happy with that.

You seem very black and white. Surely if you got on with your mums ex, then what does it hurt to keep some communication open. It keeps your mum happy.

Have you ever watched the godfather. One of the first scenes Michael explains to his girlfriend that his father is like a polar explorer, they keep catches of food in places should they need them. The godfather did that with friends. As I say I have lots of acquaintances, so I know a builder, a mechanic, a guy who prints tee shirts...or they do...

What I am trying to say that rather than limit your social circle to people who are doing something for you now, even if that's only providing friendship, isn't it better to have a bigger circle where someone might be there to help you or you them? That's how human society developed from small family clans to villages and towns. People who need something from one another.

Re your ex ok, I see your point but you could, like your mum, stay friends. I know you are suspicious of men. But your defences will protect you and not allow you to be hurt if you just are friends with a man

Everyone I love has at some point pissed me off and vice versa.

Maybe that's why you chose that username.

In my mind, if that one thing is whether or not they want kids or are cheaters then yes.
I'm genuinely confused why stating this means I want perfection.
Are we saying then that all men cheat?

Because when I saw him coming out of the same before and asked him about it, he lied and was cheating on my mum.

Thank you.
I do think about things a lot, so that's why I wanted some other opinions.
What you've written is basically my mindset.

Before I moved in with my mum at 9, I lived with my gran, who was a powerhouse of a woman.

She kicked out my granddad and always pushed me to focus on education so I'd never have to depend on men because they lie, cheat and abuse. This message was pushed by every grandaunt I had, even the ones in seemingly happy marriages.

When I moved in with my mum, I saw the abuse happen with my mum and aunties in real time. Unfortunately, my cousins have picked the same type of men because it's their normal.

I've gone completely the other way. I know at one point I was too much, but I genuinely think I've got a good balance now.

When my friends and mum first said I was too hard/unforgiving, I brushed it off because if I'm honest, I won't ever put up with what any of them have in relationships, but as they've continued to repeat it, I was starting to wonder if maybe I've gone too far again.

I don't trust people easily either.
See for me, once trust is gone, having that person around makes me anxious.
Using your example, I wouldn't trust that person in my village because I know they are capable of going back on their word and I'd have to find someone else anyway.

I know it's a response from not having control of the people around me as a child.
I've worked on it and tried keeping people as acquaintances, but the few times I tried, they ended up not being happy and wanted the relationship we had before or did the same thing/something worse.

My acquaintances are different. For example, I'm in a community allotment group where we all work a patch and then share the harvests. We chit chat about general things and they've given me recommendations for people and those people do their jobs well. That's how my village has been created.
I really need to watch The Godfather. One of my cousin's has almost disowned me because I haven't seen any of them or Scarface.

See the community allotment thing would not be for me. I wouldn't trust anyone not too take more than their faur share!

Interesting!
I wasn't really interested in what others were taking. I wanted to understand the veg growing side so I could grow some stuff for myself at home.
The homemade cakes probably also distracted me. 🤣