Does my partner have a drinking problem or is it me?

[hashbrowneggyolk]

Hi everyone,

im just looking for some advice on whether my partner has a drinking problem or whether my own issues are causing me to feel this way.

for context, i suffered abuse in the family home due to alcoholism. It has troubled me for many years and as a result leaves me incredibly anxious around drinking/drunk people.

My partner doesn’t drink much at home, unless we have say a glass of wine with dinner. I do drink occasionally (like once or two) so stuff like this is obviously fine.

When he goes to the pub he can’t seem to just have just one drink, it’s always a few. I struggle to wrap my head around why he can’t just have one or two, but I acknowledge that I view drinking very differently.

equally if we go out for a meal he always has an alcoholic drink. He says he doesn’t really like soft drinks so prefers a beer etc.

He will sometimes go out for a proper night out with some friends. When he comes back he’s obviously quite drunk, generally giddy and silly. He’s never once been nasty or threatening etc, however my anxieties tell me that he could be once he’s drunk.

I’d say on average he goes out to the pub with mates between 1-2 times a week, but sometimes there are weeks where he doesn’t go at all. The proper nights out are maybe every other month ish.

Whenever he’s at the pub I’m plagued with anxiety of how he’ll be when he comes home. When he does come home I’m on the edge of my seat all night out of fear of a “kick off” (as that’s what used to happen when I was younger).

he’s generally so kind and caring and in all other ways is my perfect person. We get on really well otherwise, but I’m struggling with this. We have discussed it a few times but I think he struggles to understand and rationalise how I feel.

im just wondering if anyone has any views on whether he’s being unreasonable with his drinking, or if this is truly my problem?

for anyone who would mention therapy, I’d love to have some. I hate feeling this way more than anything. I had CBT on the NHS that involved “picturing the worst possible thing that could happen so it doesn’t seem scary” which was incredibly unhelpful. I can’t afford to pay for a private therapist at the moment.

please don’t share this to Facebook as it’s very outing!

if it’s making you uncomfortable then he is crossing a boundary you have. I think what you experienced made yiu hyper aware but I wouldn’t say your gut feeling is misleading you.
Alcohol is sadly very normalised but he shouldn’t need to go out twice and come back drunk. I have a feeling if you add up his weekly units it’s more than he thinks and more than you are prepared to admit to yourself.
If it changes his behaviour I see why you’d be on alert. Sorry.

I'm glad he's understanding overall. I actually think being a bit fed up makes sense on his part. But I hope he keeps being kind too.

Hi op - i grew up in an alcoholic household and struggle to understand what a healthy relationship with alcohol is. I don’t drink at all anymore because I’m so anxious of having it around my children (which I accept is completely unreasonable and a ‘me’ problem). I don’t expect my DH not to drink and he doesn’t drink much but just wanted to say I understand the anxiety it causes. I hope it becomes easier for you x

It sounds like you have PTSD associated with being around alcoholics, and no, your partner does not (on the information you have given) have an alcohol issue.

When he goes to the pub he can’t seem to just have just one drink, it’s always a few. I struggle to wrap my head around why he can’t just have one or two. This stood out to me from your initial post. I wasn't sure if you meant that YOU ask him to limit himself and he says no, or if HE tries to limit himself for his own reasons - for example, he genuinely wants and intends, before he starts drinking, to have no more than two drinks (let's say he's determined to save money, or has something important to do early in the morning) but once he's had two he inevitably has a third, and so on. The former is normal, the latter MIGHT be a sign of a problem - some people with disordered behaviour around alcohol can fairly easily stop themselves from drinking at all, but can't regulate or limit their drinking once they start.

Also, I have a pretty relaxed attitude toward alcohol and ALL of these things would bother me: he has before tried to piss places that aren’t the bathroom, and has also been known to harass our cats relentlessly to the point where they want to hide. He also can be very testing in the sense of refusing to give me space once drunk. Not giving you space could be a real issue especially since he knows that being around a drunk person typically causes you distress. If he comes home and you're asleep, does he intentionally wake you up? Since his going out drinking is infrequent, is there any way the two of you could plan ahead so he sleeps in a spare room if you have one, or on the couch after a night out? You don't have to frame that as his having done something "wrong", it can just be consideration so he doesn't wake you up coming in late and perhaps not being careful/quiet after he's had a few. Knowing you won't have to interact with him directly until he's "slept it off" might help you back off a bit in the questioning before he goes and ease anxiety while he's gone. Not a substitute for getting help handling your reactions, but maybe a short-term option?

alcohol by its very nature makes you want more once you have one or two. It’s not a personality flaw of his.

That’s why most people stop drinking altogether because it’s easier not to start at all.

We have previously been doing the spare bedroom idea, and it was working great. I agree as a temp measure and not a long term fix it was helping me to avoid questions and eased my worry a bit. Last time he went out was one time he came in all over the place, burst into the bedroom as he was so drunk (waking me up in a huge panic) and tried to pee in the wardrobe. I eventually got him into the spare bed but I then didn’t sleep due to anxiety.

I will say these incidents are rare (we’ve been together 8 years and the blackouts have happened maybe 3 times?). As I said he’s not nasty, but it’s scary for me. I feel that him getting so drunk that he can’t find the bathroom is not fair to me, when I am trying so hard to ‘compromise’ by not asking lots of questions and keeping myself away. He can never remember it the next day and is always incredibly apologetic, but actions speak louder than words. I appreciate that I may be being unreasonable with his more casual drinking, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he doesn’t get absolutely blackout drunk to the point of being like that? Or if he really really wants to do so, to stay with a friend?

Thank you for your kind words, do you mind me asking how to ease your anxieties around DH drinking? Do you have any useful coping mechanisms?

These exact incidents are few and far between, and he is always sorry and apologetic the next day. But I feel that if he is sorry it just shouldn’t happen again?

see the logical side of my brain 100% agrees with you. He’s the kindest and most caring man I know, so logically he would never do anything like that regardless of how much he’s drunk. But the anxiety riddled/trauma part of my brain doesn’t follow the same logic, I wish it did!

no I haven’t, I can’t afford to access this privately unfortunately and I have previously been told only cbt is available on the nhs, which I didn’t find helpful at all

I'm in the same boat re childhood trauma and alcoholism and I feel like I could have wrote your post! My Husband can never seem to go for just a few, if he goes for a night out (which is rare) he sometimes comes home a bit silly which is fine, sometimes he is completely blackout which I find really triggering. He also has a habit of saying he's on the next bus home, but inevitably has another pint and then doesn't come home, making my anxiety worse.

We had a long talk about it last time it happened and decided that I would not ask him questions about his night, assume he is going to be late, and he will sleep in the spare room without disturbing me. We also both installed life360 so I can be sure he is safe without having to message him etc while he is out, and so he doesn't message saying he's coming home when he actually isn't! I wasnt initially keen on tracking but he suggested It and it really did help my anxiety. It has worked well for a few months.

It's a really difficult situation to be in, especially when it's not frequent and there are no day to day issues in the marriage. Properly sitting down and having a good conversation about everything really helped us reach a compromise.

Wow that sounds so similar! It actually brings me some comfort to know other people have this shared experience so I know I’m not alone!

I like the idea of being able to check in where he is without having to pester him. I’m like you there I haven’t ever wanted to seem like I don’t trust him, but it would be nice to know if he’s on his way home or still out without having to be ‘annoying’.

we have done the spare room a few times as it worked well apart from last time where he was so drunk I think he forgot he wasn’t in our room and burst in. We had a long chat after that and I’m hopeful that he won’t do that again, as I think it’s a fair compromise and a fair boundary for him to respect

Some people get a dopamine hit from having a few drinks (that's the brain chemical that makes you feel good and motivates you to do it more). People can get a dopamine hit from sports, eating chocolate, painting, or playing a computer game. Most of us get this 'hit' from something we like doing. It's all part of being a healthy, normal person.

It only becomes unhealthy when we do something excessively, to the point starts adversely affecting our lives (or others). This normally happens when the person is not coping very well mentally, they start using the thing they like doing to mask a horrible feeling, or bad memories.

It sounds like your H is not drinking excessively, to the point it's detrimental to him (or you), and from what you've said he's generally happy and having a good time - no sign of mental health red-flags.

You can't help the way you feel though, it sounds like (very understandably) you're suffering a trauma response from the awful experiences you had in the past. You need to speak to your H about it, you could find ways of reducing your anxiety together. Perhaps he could give you a call before he gets home so you're prepared and know it's ok, use a special phrase when he comes through the door that reassures you. If you are still struggling, you might benefit from CBT.

I agree with this.

OP I don’t think this is a terrible, extremely serious problem but he is a bit of a drinker and the drunken cat harassing and silliness can’t be that great. A lot of people wouldn’t mind, but there is nothing outrageous if you do rather in my opinion.

A pp poster mentions a scale of 0- 10.

This seems to me like 6/7.

You say though that your DH is good in every other way. It would be a shame to ruin your relationship. Why not (privately) speak to ‘al anon’ ( if that is the family member one) and ask for advice.

I’m wondering if anyone has ever mentioned NACOA to you? They are a charity who support children and adults who grew up in an alcoholic home. They have lots of helpful information on their website and a helpline. nacoa.org.uk

Well I think that changes things slightly, I would be pretty unimpressed if my DH came home and tried to piss in weird places or deliberately provoked the pets. Have you talked about these incidents with him when sober?

I don’t think he’s an alcoholic but it does sound like he probably drinks more than is healthy. 2x nights in the pub per week sounds like binge drinking (defined as more than two pints), and the “getting so drunk he tries to pee in the wardrobe” I would honestly be really angry about, even if it only happens occasionally.

So no, not an alcoholic but probably towards the heavier end of normal so not necessarily a great match for you.

I haven’t heard of this before, i’ll look into it thank you!

yes when I discuss them sober he is very embarrassed and apologetic. I think when he’s out he’s easily influenced by friends taking things too far but equally he’s a grown adult who can make his own decisions too