Should parents be responsible for their adult children’s behaviour?

[Lightingjolts]

Are parents responsible for their adult children’s behaviour?

A bit of a delicate topic that’s causing some divide in my life right now.
Basically my husband has a younger sibling who has a long term girlfriend. His girlfriend has never liked me and has acted out whenever anything positive has happened for my husband and I. She caused a scene at our wedding by loudly arguing with my BIL that it should be her wedding, not mine. She stormed out of my MILs house when my husband and I announced we were having a baby, to name a few examples. My MIL and FIL dislike her and have recently told my BIL as much. MIL and FIL have also voiced that they believe she is jealous of mine and my husband’s relationship, to us and to BIL. Since then, BIL has gone very cold with my husband and I. He’s started making cruel remarks to me and sending me unkind Facebook messages, leading me to blocking him as I don’t like conflict. My husband has told him to leave me be but it hasn’t fixed anything.
I’m very close with my MIL and FIL and see them regularly but whenever BIL is around, he gives me filthy looks, mutters remarks like “stupid c*w” whenever I speak, and the most recent is that he and his girlfriend have told MIL and FIL that I’ve been bullying her/his girlfriend and have sent her abusive messages. I haven’t done so and MIL and FIL have said they don’t believe it. Husband is very supportive of me.
My issue is that BIL keeps up his behaviour despite my husband sticking up for me. MIL and FIL witness it but don’t say anything. I’ve started to get upset by this and I’ve started keeping my distance from the family as a result.
My husband asked his parents why they say nothing to BIL and they’ve simply said that he’s an adult and we’re adults so it’s not their place to get involved. I absolutely see where they’re coming from but my husband disagrees.
Only thing I’m feeling down about is my options are to basically go to see the family and accept the fact I’ll be mistreated and my children will see it (BIL is rarely not there; husband’s family are very close), or not go and distance myself. I adore my MIL and FIL so this is difficult. I’m in touch with them a lot but my husband is very upset with them as he feels they’re treating me unfairly. I’m conflicted. It’s a tricky situation but curious for other people’s perspectives, especially those with adult children.

Please be kind - I’m a very sensitive person and this drama is really draining on me, and I’m just looking for the best way to move forward without damaging my relationships with anyone.

They aren't responsible for his behaviour, but I do think they should be calling him out on it

Just see the parents-in-law on your own, do not engage with the brother. ETA, if the BIL is always at home invite the parents to your house. Grey rock him/them on the occasions you can't actively avoid them.

Distance yourself from them. Don't let the kids go either.Maybe your PILs will change their tune when it has consequences for them.

I wish you the best of luck. My sympathies.

Don’t visit your in laws when you BIL is there. If BIL is around then invite your in laws over to your home and do not extend the invite to BIL.

People are not necessarily responsible for the shitty behaviour of their adult children. But I wonder if their hands off attitude / pussyfooting is a contributing factor…

In their house they should say something, it should be a safe space for you.

In some cases yes, parents are responsible for their children. My wife's sister is approaching 70. Whenever anyone questions her or even makes a joke that doesn't follow on from her script she responds with a tantrum. This has gone on since my wife was born, when the sister was 12...never has she been pulled up for her bad behaviour....like booking the same church as us to get married..one hour after our wedding. Having been given an almost new car (6 months less than 500 miles) on the understanding she would drive parents to doctors appointments etc...she drives to the local supermarket where mil pays for both shopping. I take mil to buy clothes, out for meals etc

So actually yes pil should be stepping up and telling him he's a prick and so is the gf

No.

The whole situation seems just very soft to me, I’d happily let pil sit back and watch while I unleashed on bil with the force of a thousand suns.
honestly I would need to have it out with this person.

To expand - parents are not responsible for adult children’s behaviour but they are responsible for what they tolerate in their home. They should state clearly that if he cannot act respectfully to guests in their home he will have to leave.

Parents are only responsible for adult children's behaviour if they did something to cause it, eg using sexist/racist language around them. Just as there are some parents who were frankly useless or abusive but have kids who grow into lovely adults, some nice people have kids who grow up to be like the ones you describe (why? who knows, maybe school friends etc?).
Maybe MIL/FIL are scared to say anything, in case they lose the chance to see any children this pair might have?
You are free to say you will be leaving immediately any time rude words are used about you-and do that.

They aren't responsible for his behaviour, but they are responsible for theirs. And their behaviour is unsupportive towards you. Why do you adore them when they are like this?

Adults are responsible for their own behaviour. Parents are not responsible for the behaviour of their adult children, but they can express disappointment and fail to accept certain behaviour in their own home. I can see why, in public or another venue, they may want you and your DH and BIL and his girlfriend to sort any bad feeling out like adults. If you were all guests in MIL and FIL's house though, I would expect them to step in when one guest was being rude to another.

I think you need to agree boundaries with your husband. These could be that you'll only see the parents without bil being there, or that you explain to bil that if he makes a nasty comment or makes you feel uncomfortable in any way you'll both be leaving, just getting up and going. Work out a strategy that means you are not putting up with it. I feel for everyone in this situation apart from bil and sil but it's clearly going to be up to you to make it clear that you won't accept the behaviour.

They are responsible for their reaction to his behaviour but not his behaviour.

They should be speaking to him not enabling him. If not for your relationship with you which obviously is less of a priority but their relationship with your husband.

They can’t control him but they could call him out if he is rude to you in their home. You say you’re sensitive and this situation is very draining, maybe the feel the same. The fact your DH hasn’t torn a strip off his brother implies you are all a bit conflict averse. Everyone seems to be hoping someone else will step in and sort it. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you said don’t speak to me like that?

My DH sister stopped talking to us 5 years ago, didn’t discuss with us just stopped, me, DH and her nieces and nephew. Not one of DHs family or mum have said anything to her. It seems it’s ok for her to just cut us off and still go about her business with everyone ignoring it! Drives me mad as she dictates when we can see MIL in the sense that if we want to go she will say we can’t as she’s going and DHs siblings all go along with it because she’s volatile and they’re so frightened of upsetting her. I want to cut the lot of them off but won’t for DHs sake

I don't think parents are responsible for their adult children's behaviour but they also can say what is acceptable or not acceptable in their own home. For example, I would not stand by while my adult sons behaved like your BIL and I would tell them that if they can't be civil, they will leave my house. I think that's reasonable. If your PIL are willing to sit quietly while their son is rude and unpleasant to you, don't go there. You may have a great relationship with them but blood is thicker than water and they are showing you that he is their priority, not you.

I agree with what other PP have said.

MIL and FIL aren't responsible for BIL's behaviour, but I think members of a family unit have a responsibility to address bad behaviour (such as bullying) within the unit. I don't think this is exclusively the parents role either.

I also agree that if MIL and FIL aren't doing anything to address it, you should say that you and DH won't visit when BIL is there (DH needs to lead this conversation). I think that will prompt them to do something about it.

I wouldn’t be going to anyone’s house where another guest spoke to me like that, and I’d be telling your MIL FIL and DH exactly why.
Take your children to see their mum being insulted, why would you do that?
Your MIL and FIL and indeed your DH are quite happy to stand by and watch you be spoken to like that, they ALL need to be calling out your BIL and his girlfriend when they behave like that in your in-laws home. They are your hosts and should be acting accordingly.
Your in-laws might think on if you don’t go visit at all, oh and don’t let your DH take your kids on his own as no doubt your BIL will still say vile things even when you aren’t there and quite frankly BIL will think he’s “ won” if the rest of your family go without you.

Edited to add that I have 2 adult sons 1 married with children and the other currently single and if my single son spoke like that to my DIL then I would be having very strong words with him about his behaviour in my house and I would be asking him to leave if he didn’t stop it. Also I would be reflecting on where I went wrong in my parenting ( not that he would as he is a lovely man who wouldn’t dream of speaking to anyone, never mind a woman in that manner)

No, and adult children have to work out their own relationships. Sometimes it doesn't pay for parents to get in the middle. Sometimes it is appropriate to say something about what goes on in your home though.

You are also an adult and get to choose where you go and don't go. You don't have to put up with BIL's behaviour or expose your children to it.

My MIL and FIL dislike her and have recently told my BIL as much. MIL and FIL have also voiced that they believe she is jealous of mine and my husband’s relationship, to us and to BIL. Since then, BIL has gone very cold with my husband and I.

Sounds like they created the situation and are just sitting back watching the fallout.

Your mother in law and father in law:

1. told your BIL they don't like his wife

2. told your BIL they think his wife is jealous of the relationship between you and your husband.

Why on earth would they do that?
Then they comment that all of you are adults and they aren't going to get involved in your relationships.

Did they really just throw this cat in amongst the pigeons and sit back to watch?

Sounds like a family dynamic it would be better to take a step back from and be a lot more detached emotionally. Definitely stop the social media contact and don't get drawn into these very inappropriate conversations with your in laws when you see them in person.

I'd usually say no, and you're asking if PIL should call adults out on their behaviour which I'd usually think it's not for them to get involved in.
It sounds like they may be responsible for this behaviour though. They've created a divide telling BIL that his GF is jealous of you and his brother. Given BILs reaction, I'd guess the parents have done other things as your DH and BIL grew up to create a divide/rivalry. It doesn't excuse BILs behaviour, as an adult, he is responsible for changing his behaviour. PIL don't sound innocent in all this either.

This.

And I don't see how you can be very close to or adore people who treat you and allow you to be treated with such disrespect in their own home either.

You parents in law appear to disagree with how their son and daughter in law are behaving towards you and defend you in private (by saying they believe you and think she is jealous) but that is just providing an excuse for her/their behaviour, not addressing it and they are allowing it to happen. But you also have no idea what equally pacifying remarks they are making to them privately...

They don't have to try and change their son and daughter in law's feelings towards you but they absolutely should be addressing the behaviour that is happening in their own home.

I wouldn't tolerate this in my home and it wouldn't matter how I felt about the individuals involved or my opinion of them. It's just unacceptable.

Parents can be responsible but it is up to the child which way they go as they get older.

Saying that, your in-laws are the bigger problem for saying what they did and then not telling their son to stop when he insults you in their home. They can say something since he is doing this in their home.

You may feel close to them but it obviously isn’t reciprocated or they feel the same as you if they’re just sitting there not saying anything as their son insults you for no reason.

If this behaviour was out of the ordinary for him, it would be concerning, no?

I don’t think there is a way to move forward because the relationship is already damaged and they don’t seem to mind that much about him insulting you and expecting you to just take it probably because you do so much for them and they don’t expect you to stop because you’re continuing to do so while their son treats you horribly. Quit going to theirs, stop doing things for them, and if you do and he starts, just get up and leave with children in tow. Husband shouldn’t have an issue with this since he doesn’t like this either. Don’t say anything other, it is time to go and if they ask why, ask why should you have to sit here while he insults you and leave.

Your BIL being an adult is a poor excuse not to say anything about his behaviour. He’s blaming their dislike of his wife on you.