Should parents be responsible for their adult children’s behaviour?

[Lightingjolts]

Are parents responsible for their adult children’s behaviour?

A bit of a delicate topic that’s causing some divide in my life right now.
Basically my husband has a younger sibling who has a long term girlfriend. His girlfriend has never liked me and has acted out whenever anything positive has happened for my husband and I. She caused a scene at our wedding by loudly arguing with my BIL that it should be her wedding, not mine. She stormed out of my MILs house when my husband and I announced we were having a baby, to name a few examples. My MIL and FIL dislike her and have recently told my BIL as much. MIL and FIL have also voiced that they believe she is jealous of mine and my husband’s relationship, to us and to BIL. Since then, BIL has gone very cold with my husband and I. He’s started making cruel remarks to me and sending me unkind Facebook messages, leading me to blocking him as I don’t like conflict. My husband has told him to leave me be but it hasn’t fixed anything.
I’m very close with my MIL and FIL and see them regularly but whenever BIL is around, he gives me filthy looks, mutters remarks like “stupid c*w” whenever I speak, and the most recent is that he and his girlfriend have told MIL and FIL that I’ve been bullying her/his girlfriend and have sent her abusive messages. I haven’t done so and MIL and FIL have said they don’t believe it. Husband is very supportive of me.
My issue is that BIL keeps up his behaviour despite my husband sticking up for me. MIL and FIL witness it but don’t say anything. I’ve started to get upset by this and I’ve started keeping my distance from the family as a result.
My husband asked his parents why they say nothing to BIL and they’ve simply said that he’s an adult and we’re adults so it’s not their place to get involved. I absolutely see where they’re coming from but my husband disagrees.
Only thing I’m feeling down about is my options are to basically go to see the family and accept the fact I’ll be mistreated and my children will see it (BIL is rarely not there; husband’s family are very close), or not go and distance myself. I adore my MIL and FIL so this is difficult. I’m in touch with them a lot but my husband is very upset with them as he feels they’re treating me unfairly. I’m conflicted. It’s a tricky situation but curious for other people’s perspectives, especially those with adult children.

Please be kind - I’m a very sensitive person and this drama is really draining on me, and I’m just looking for the best way to move forward without damaging my relationships with anyone.

No I don’t think parents are responsible for their adult children’s behaviour generally speaking. But I do think everyone is responsible for managing the behaviour of guests in their home, including visiting family members. I would have to tell my son that, regardless of his opinion of his SIL, when they are together in my home he must be courteous. If he can’t do that then he will have to stay away when she is visiting. Both him and his GF sound like spoiled little shits and that extends to them being rude to their parents’ guests. Your PIL are being doormats just to appease them.

I might be inclined to ask them if, as they want you to sort it out among yourselves, they will be ok with you tearing him a new one next time he calls you a stupid cow.

Or lean into it so BIL’s insults get diluted

“yep that’s me a stupid cow moo moo”

roll your eyes

do thumbs up thanks Bob!

Completely agree with this.

MIL and FIL witness it but don’t say anything.

If this is happening in their home (presumably bil lives there) then yes they are being MASSIVELY unreasonable.
They cant control everything he does but they can insist he is either out of the house or he behaves himself and treats guests politely.

Next time it happens stop whatever you are doing (even if its mid meal), get your things and leave.
Dont discuss it with pil. Dont be talked into staying.

Better yet just stop visiting them in their home. If questioned your dh needs to say "you let my brother verbally abuse my wife in your home and say nothing. How is that okay? Why would we come over and expose ourselves to that? If you want to see us you need to travel to ours. If you dont like it that's on you as your choice to stay silent and her be abused in your home has caused this"

I wouldnt attend anything they are at and I would leave if I was somewhere and they arrived.

You have a child you should not be letting them witness this nonsense. If that means pil see less of you. So be it. Its their choice.

And absolutely do not spend Christmas/any other major family festival with them with BIL

It’s about your children and you now now PIL and their grown son

They won’t get him to wind his neck in they can choose between their son and other son grandchildren who to see on Christmas Day

You have to be firm as you say for your children
And use the “the children can’t be around this sorry PIL but that is my decision as their mum”.

Start getting up and leaving if he arrives. If you are invited and he is there, decline. If you are there and he arrives, leave. Be cheerful, smily and pleasant. Say things like "I know you are not responsible for his behaviour but I am responsible for mine and it's best I leave as he is so cruel and upsets me every time" but don't get upset, leave. Like Pavlov before you, your work will soon be done.

Sounds very odd for a grown man and woman to have a personal vendetta against you and be so awful. I feel like there’s probably another side to this story we haven’t heard.

They're not responsible for their adult children's behaviour. They are responsible for their own, which includes how they react to it.

But why are you not going nuclear in return? Because since you clearly want to keep spending this amount of time with PILs and they clearly intend to carry on tolerating it for the easiest life, the change is going to have to come from your end. Sometimes the only way to deal with very passive people is to make sure that you're a bigger pain in the arse than whoever they want you to put up with. You can arrange to visit without the kids one day if you don't want them to see it.

You say your DH is supportive of you - what is his reaction when his brother calls you a stupid cow? Come to that, what's your response? I certainly wouldn't sit there and take that!
How old are these brothers? Sounds as though they both missed out on some decent parenting when they were young, and their parents are still failing them.
I wouldn't have let my DCs get away with behaviour like that when they were toddlers, let alone fully grown adults!

My SIL is a difficult person, falls out with people a lot. She is just obnoxious. Her behaviour when my child died was too much for me. I didn’t speak to her for years and she was banned from my house. It is the only bad time in DH and mine marriage. MIL had a massive go at me one Christmas because of this. I stood my ground and it ended up with her admitting how awful her own child can be. DH admitted his sister was horrible to me. If he had not our marriage would have ended and it came close.

We have one hideous person on my side of the family, awful younger sister. She ran off with older sisters DH and has also stolen money. We all cut her off as soon as our Mother died. I’m sure she is playing the victim somewhere.

Parents usually still love their children however awful they are. But you need to stop having the children round this behaviour as they acknowledge this behaviour hopefully it will have an effect.

Why can't you say something to BIL at the time?

Like if he says "stupid cow".... Call.him.out..and say "why did you just call me a stupid cow BIL?"

Hell deny it, naturally, and you then get DHt to back you up and confirm it. And then ask again.

Keep doing this.

Oh
.
And stop visiting the house when he's there.

If you turn up, and he's unexpectedly there, leave immediately.

Do you know what? You're probably right. After all, there are as many sides to a story as there are people telling it and everyone will have their own perspective.

However, if we just take the OP's description of the behaviours at face value, the in laws shouldn't be tolerating this in their own home.

They don't have to get involved and take sides.

Just challenge the behaviours.

Time to change things, invite MIL and FIL to yours and screen shot the vile messages and send them to MIL and FIL, so they can see exactly what he does.

Time to use the “did you mean to be so rude” if you have to be in his company, whenever he so much as utters anything ghastly.

Having your DH on side is key, time to fight fire with fire.

Best of luck, I had something similar with my unhinged SIL, it is incredibly wearing and stressful.

Do not subject yourself to this abuse any longer. Just stop meeting them and have no contact through social media. Otherwise its just going to continue. Iife is too short for this.

The problem as I see it is you're relying on them to say something when you won't. Can you stick to just going with DH and then he calls it out every single time? But ideally you need to fake the brave and challenge him yourself. You're currently an easy target showing your kids that if thry get bullied, they should be meek and mild and keep out of the way

My IL was very poorly behaved to me during a period of very high stress for the entire family. My MIL closed a door on them which is the equivalent of a slap in the face in our family, she had my back. So no they aren’t responsible but I would never condone that kind of behaviour in my home to a fellow guest, child/sibling whoever. It should be called out. I would be making clear though that I wouldn’t be visiting if the BIL was present, just no.

Ifi suspect the OP's concern, though, is that they would round on her if she did.

In families with these dynamics it's often the one who upsets the apple cart who gets punished rather than the bad apple removed.

Are they afraid of upsetting him? If it was one of my sons doing this in my house, regardless of age, they would be given two choices shut up or move out. Not good for your children to see his childish behaviour. Anyone behaving like that in my home would be encouraged to find their own space PDQ. What an entitled jerk he is, no respect for anyone.

As usual the first reply nails it. 👏🏻

I absolutely wouldn't be going round there if I was going to be abused and noone was going to even stick up for me.
Your in laws need to understand that by staying quiet that they are practically condoning it. Doesn't your husband shut it down?

Parents aren't responsible for their adult children's behaviour. Sometimes the parents have allowed behaviours as a child, and haven't called that poor behaviour out. It then results in the same poor behaviour in adulthood. If no one ever calls out certain behaviours then that person is just going to continue in the same way.

If your BIL or/and your SIL show poor behaviour towards you/your husband, in your PIL home, then they should absolutely be calling them out over it. If it's something that they weren't witness too, outside of their home, then No, I wouldn't expect them to involve themselves.

It does sound as if your SIL is shit stirring by telling her husband you're sending her abusive messages. She's not stupid, she knows perfectly well it would rile up her husband. She's deliberately trying to cause a rift between her husband and yours, by pitching them against each other and using you to do it. It's natural that your husband would defend you, and your BIL defend your SIL.

I think it would be best if you only saw your PIL without your BIL/SIL being there. If you do have to attend a family event, then you need to grey rock them both. Distance yourself as much as possible from your BIL/SIL.

They are not resposible for his behaviour, and I imagine they are terrified that he will have nothing to do with them if they intervene,.

However, I'd be saying calmly to them, 'Much as I love you, MIL/FIL I won't be visiting your house again. I'm not putting myself into a position where John or his GF can be utterly vile to me. You are naturally always welcome to come visit us and the GC, but we/I won't be coming to you'.

Neither would I be attending any 'family' get togethers that included these two. I'd just decline.

Parents are not responsible for their adult children's behaviour BUT if they see or hear that they have behaved badly then they should definitely speak up and pull their adult children up on it,I would everytime and have done.

Why isn’t your husband putting your bil in his place and actually protecting you like he should?