Not to allow Ex to be present at our baby's birth

[mothcatcher]

I am separated from my husband. We have three other children,he visits erratically once or twice a week and doesn't offer any practical help.
He is apparently living at the home of one of his relations, but has refused so far to give me his contact details - saying that his mobile no is enough.
I'm not trying to punish him by not allowig him to be present. It is just that I know he doesn't care about me or my best interests. Frankly the prospect terrifies me.

AIBU?

YANBU - he should be making an effort if he wants you to feel comfortable and secure with him!

Do what is best for you.

nope - he's your ex FGS! plus at not giving you an address - isn't this semantics for "I'm living with other woman and don't want to tell you"???

get yourself a birthing partner you trust, you do not need this unreliable man hassling you at this time

YANBU, he should only be there if he can offer you support, you might want to make it clear in advance both to him and the midwives on duty, the prospect of what terrifies you? Doing it alone or him being there?

You cannot have anyone at your birth who will make you feel stressed or upset. Would you be okay to let him be in the waiting room and see baby very soon after the birth?

You must be going through a very difficult time.

I think you need to consider the best interests of the baby and yourself at this time - and if that means you will be calmer and less worried without your ex there, so be it.

Do you have any one else that could support you during labour?

Would you be happy for your ex to visit the new baby shortly after the birth? Maybe he could take care of your other children, and bring them to see their new sibling?

YANBU. Do have someone with you though xx

he should be offering to look after the other three while you are in labour!
I don't think yabu at all.

I can't imagine wanting anyone but the most supportive person there who loved me. Giving birth is bad enough, but I just tried to imagine it with any of my ex boyfriends or ex partner in the room and, er, NO WAY. The thought of an estranged partner massaging your back or being understanding when you hit him with the gas and air for not getting the hair out of your face to your satisfaction..... No, tell him you will need him to mind the others while you are in hosp, and get a good friend to be your birth partner.

He probably thinks that cos its his baby he is entitled to do the fatherly thing and be there at its birth. Shame he can't keep up with all the fatherly stuff for his other children.

I am sorry for your situation and hope that you can find a way out of it.

No of course I wouldn't prevent him seeing the baby shortly after the birth.
I just couldn't cope with having him there during labour/birth.
I haven't mentioned this to him yet;he will not be best pleased.

The thought did cross my mind about the address

YANBU - if you feel stressed then you will labour much slower. A birthing partner is supposed to be a help not a hinderance. Giving birth is not actually a spectator sport!

Have you got a good friend who could be there with you?

No of course you are not.

I nearly didn't have my very d h present at my second, cos I know that last time he made me anxious.

Have I got this right? He's left you with three kids and you don't know where he's living? And he wants to come to the birth of his next child?

Tell him to piss off.

yanbu.

I typed a long post, then lost my internet conection.

Basically, YANBU.

Tough if he doesn't like it!

Do you have some one who you would like to be with you?

My dh wasn't present at my dd2 birth as he was so useless (fainting) at the last one, I took my dm in instead.

The person who is with you when you give birth is there for your support. If you feel your exh isn't that person (and I don't blame you!), don't have him there.

spicemonster - Yes, it doesn't add up really, I agree
I don't have a alternative birth partner prepared. I am very seriously considering a doula.

YANBU. waffletrees is right, it is not a spectator sport and the whole point of the father being present is to be supportive to the mother. Which he obviously won't be.

You have to do what is right for you my love, giving birth is a big think without the added stress.

Don't let him, does he want to be there? Is he hassling you? No way, no absolutely NO way should he be anywhere near you at this time.

YOU need people there who will HELP you, not people you don't feel comfortable with.

This is very important and Yanbu whatsoever

fwiw I had to ask simlar questions last year, it's Ok we are all on your side - everyone on MN supported me too xxx (funny how you know yanbu, but still have to ask isn't it?!)

Are there any MNs nearby that could help?

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Why not put it to him that it would be far better for him to be at home supervising your other three children?

I had a similar problem. In the end I chose a trusted friend as my birthing partner then got them to call ex close to the time of birth. I allowed him to stand by the door but to come no further. This way he was not around me during the labour and no where near me (punching distance) at the birth, however he did get to see ds soon after.

Do what feels right for you x

Actually in retrospect, I would have preferred him not to be there at all.

Sorry not much help