To think I’d hate being without kids every other weekend in case of divorce

[wonderingabtftr]

My husband has made a few threats in arguments lately that he would leave and my biggest concern is that I think I would miss the kids insanely if he was to have them even every other weekend or for a week in the school hols… I can’t imagine spending a day apart and the only time I’ve been without my oldest is a few nights when giving birth to my youngest (although in the daytime older DC visited me with newborn every day). I’ve never spent more than a few hours without my youngest.

for those that have been in a similar position, how did you adapt?

Yes it is hard at first. But you gradually get used to it. And then you start to enjoy the child free time as you can do other things

It’s not missing them when they’re gone. It’s adapting to parenting them 100% or 0. The change is stark and it takes time to adjust. However it’s 100% better than raising them with a horror.

Why are you defaulting to the dad only having the kids every other weekend??

maybe the dad is feeling the same and will want his kids as a fair split

divorce is between the pair of you, the kids deserve both parents, same amount of time

This would be my biggest fear if I got divorced too OP, so I do get it.

I am sure in reality you adapt after a time.

having been through it I get your fear and had the same - but the reality of being a single parent is super intense, so much more intense than when you have another adult with you and you do need a bit of time away from them to then be the best parent you can be.

How old are your dc? I think I would have felt the same when they were under about 6yo. By the time they were about 11ish, and often hanging out with friends anyway, you’ll love the freedom.

both under 6

Practically wouldn’t work - I’m a SAHM and he works long hours, he would have no intention to slow down his career

You get used to it and if the dad is a good one, you get to like it as part time parenting is much easier than full time.

I actually enjoyed it and almost 30 years later we all still have good relationships. My ex was a much better dad than husband and his wife is great. I really like her and she was a great addition to my kids life.

Agree with you. I'd hate it as much as my kids would.

I mostly love it. Childfree weekends away with my partner doing sporting type activities which wouldn’t be possible with children. Sometimes I can’t be bothered to rush about getting them there on a Friday night but love the opportunities I get to alternate kid focussed stuff and proper time for myself. Also, don’t think it would be fair on my kid free partner to have to have my kids around every single weekend.

Im going through this situation just now. Stbxp has always prioritised work and his social life, working upwards of 80hrs a week for most of ds life.
Now we are separating he wants to take me to court for 50/50 access. In reality he just doesnt want to pay maintenence.
The thought of ds who is only 5yo being away from me physically hurts my heart, and given he won't let stbxp even do bedtime with him, it honestly blows my mind that he thinks its best for ds.

Like everyone says….you get used to it.
Id never spent a night away from my dd until my ex moved out after I split with him. It was awful but he’s their dad so it wasn’t like I was leaving them with a stranger. My dc were 6 and 3 and have adapted so so well. Probably don’t remember us ever living together. I’m not saying my ex is perfect but he’s a good dad

I went from being the primary carer to 50/50. It was really hard at first, but 100% the right thing for the marriage to end. I feel for you.

I love it, it's my favourite thing about being a single parent!
I get to be myself and have some peace and space to do my own thing every other weekend which leaves me being a better parent the rest of the time because I don't feel so burnt out.

Different situation, but i had a hospital stay and suddenly had to be without kids for an extended period. I had seen ds2 every day of his life until that point and only a handful of days without ds1. We all adjusted because we had to and it is now much easier for them to spend a night or two elsewhere.

More concerning is how vulnerable you are as a stay at home parent with someone threatening your financial security. Job hunting seems in your best interests now, as you would be expected to work if he leaves you.

Your kids would hate not being with you every day? Don't you think they'd miss their father at all?

I agree you get used to it and tbh it’s probably a healthy compromise to never being away from them.

though I think being a SAHM you have bigger concerns if you split, like an income

And here’s me wishing for a child free night 🤣

You learn to enjoy it. Girls nights are always at my place now since my friends kids are at
home.
I learned to love it.

Without getting into it, him leaving me wouldn’t threaten my financial security, I am more financially secure than him. Let’s say lots of savings

It's quite nice to have some child free time. My 2 go to my parents for a few days during the school holidays 2-3 times a year for a few days. I go away with my friends for a weekend, DH does the sane. The girls have been doing sleepovers with Rainbows and then Brownies since they were 5.

Yeah, I feel like I didn’t finish my thought properly earlier. It was REALLY tough at first, but I did find a way to make the most of my week without them. I was really shocked that my XP wanted 50/50 but actually it improved their relationship no end.

Well since I always did everything for everyone 24/7 it ended up being a nice break and it meant he did far more parenting than he ever did when we were together.

So it worked well

I learnt to love it. I saw friends, met my now dh dating, took long baths etc. it was really lovely to have and then when they came I was fully rested mum.
hard at first but once I made peace with it I enjoyed it