AIBU to feel helpless after seven months without contact with my daughter

[Takemehomeplease]

I’m really sorry about posting on here. I just need someone to talk to. Talk some sense into me, relate, anything. But please don’t be too harsh as I am quite delicate at the moment. I will try to keep it as short as possible but also give you as much context as I can.

I was in an abusive relationship roughly 14 years ago. I fell pregnant (I know) but I was told I wouldn’t be able to have children prior (a very slim chance due to medical issues) my daughter arrived. The best thing that could’ve happened to me, albeit the circumstances.
I moved away, he found me. Stalked me, I called the police, moved houses multiple times, he requested a DNA test to get himself on the birth certificate. To cut to the chase, I endured years of moving, contacting the police, social services etc. last year, he went to her school and picked her up. When I tried ringing her he answered her phone stating she will live with him for the foreseeable, citing emotional abuse (as I didn’t give him my new address) he told me he was calling the police and social services. It’s been 7 months since I spoke to my daughter. I’ve had roughly 13 visits conducted in my home (as we are in different counties) all coming back as no concern. Her half brother (my son) lives with me as well as her step brothers. It’s worth noting that my sons dad and I get on great and it was my ex that got the better of us.
He has accused me of awful things, drink driving etc. we both had to do a hair strand test, mine came back negative, his came back chronic and excessive so the court has ordered a section37. I have begged to know how my daughter is, he put a PSO against me last year, I can’t afford solicitors, I was told I could write a letter to her but she didn’t want to read it.

im devastated. I feel like I’ve lost my world. I’ve had to do courses, he’s now apparently taking her away on holiday next month but my stomach is churning at the thought of her being there if he’s consuming that much drink.

no one is helping me or answering my questions. I feel utterly helpless.

I’m so sorry, that sounds horrific. I hope somebody can come on here and give you some sound advice ❤️

I’m sorry babe

Thank you both.
I just want her back. Being told to ‘trust the process’ but my voice isn’t being heard

I am sorry this is happening to you. What are tou daughter's wishes in all this? At this age she should be able to chose, if she didn'y want to be there I don't think she would be there. When you had your meetings, what did she say?

You need to scour the internet for Women’s Aid and all other organisations who may help. Have you asked Citizens’ Advice? Are there local organisations that assist women who have been victims of DV? I expect other people will have better advice but good luck and keep on.

She said she doesn’t want to say anything. She lives with her dad and her grandparents (her dad is 47 years old)
the judge has said in the order that she can talk to her. The next court date is in August. But I’m worried it will get adjourned as he is taking her away at that time.

Agree with the above advice to get professional advice. You need to find who gives domestic abuse help in your area. You may also be entitled to legal aid, but a local women’s refuge or DA charity will be able to give you more tailored information.

I don’t want to talk bad about social services, but at the same time, no one is answering my questions. No one is telling me anything. Yet he is organising holidays, without my consent. He’s applied for child maintenance stating I don’t want her. My head is a mess

Are you in UK? Look for organisations/ charities that support women whose children have been taken abroad by their ex-partners. It might depend which country your daughter is in, who is best to help.

Yes, I’m in the UK. I feel like I’ve exhausted all my options. I just feel so alone. I asked a few questions to the social worker and the response was terrible, like I’m a criminal.
I have my son, 2 step children that have said there’s no concerns. I’m getting wound up because no one will answer my questions

I moved an hour away to get away from him. I have no friends. No family. My mental health is shit

If you can’t afford a Solicitor you could try and find one that will give you a free consultation so they can give you some pointers. Try Citizens Advice or see if there is a legal advice centre near you where you can get some free advice.

If your mp is any use at all, go and see them.

Can you apply for a prohibited steps order to stop him removing her from the country.

Also find out about how you alert authorities to a child being taken abroad without the parents permission.

It sounds horrendous. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Thank you. I will try that x

I know it means nothing now but the day WILL come, when dd realises what he has done to her and she will come back to you. You can’t believe everything she is saying, or not saying, remember ur ex will be manipulating and threatening her too, she will be too scared to say anything to you and he will be telling her u don’t want her etc. he is a cruel man but honestly, his day will come when he is the one all alone. For now you need to look after ur son, make sure his care and your home is impeccable for anyone having to assess you, and you really really have to go to your GP and get some mental health support. U also need to speak to your local councilllor about legal assistance. Be brave, be proud of how far you have come, and do ever ever forget your daughter needs you, no matter what ur scumbag fucked up ex says to her. Write letters to her, give them to social workers. Let them do their jobs and give you and dd support. Take time, clear your head then get back in the game. Your ex won’t win this war. Best of luck .

Oh love this is a nightmare I am so sorry. I have no advice but wanted to reach out and offer a cyberhug. Hopefully lots of useful advice will follow soon.

An hour is nothing I commute to work every day this distance. If you have family and friends an hour away, reach out don't suffer alone. I still don't understand on what basis he took her away. Was she placed in his care by social sevices? Court? Why exactly? It can not be false allegations of drink driving, she was with you her whole life. I feel some details are missind and is ok if you don't want to share, but if the Court gave him temporary custody it must be a main reason, especially if you were a dv victim.

Sorry you're going through such a devastating time op. I might have missed it but are womens aid involved?

Has your dd changed school? It sounds like you still have parental responsibility so is there anything in place to stop you from turning up to collect her and bring her home? If there is a lengthy police report log of domestic violence plus evidence of addiction I find it surprising that social services aren't working with you on this as those are very clear and evidenced risks.

Id be asking the social workers to establish contact even if it's just letterbox and to give letters directly to her. Parental alienation like this is usually looked at as emotional abuse. It doesn't say how old your dd is, they are usually deemed gillick competent at around 12ish and are able to choose where they live. Have you met with her school to discuss your concerns?

I'm sure it's highly emotional so prioritising your mental wellbeing is essential op. So going for counselling, engaging fully with women's aid etc. They can do some advocacy work and they would be able to recommend where you can get free legal advice from. As far as I'm aware domestic abuse also qualifies you for legal aid depending on where in the UK you live? What support services have the social workers put you in touch with?

Thank you for the kind words. An hour away may mean nothing to some but it’s an hour further away from him whilst still trying to keep my daughter in her school and normal routine. Both of my parents have passed, I have no siblings or other family members so I’m trying to do what’s best for my daughter as well as my son

I was told I could write a letter for SS to read to her but she didn’t attend school the day it was meant to happen, then it was “too close to the court date” now I’m getting no response.
I can’t contact my daughter due to the PSO, how on earth can it get to this? I’m just devastated

Social services are instructed to complete the section 37 but can't influence the court proceedings otherwise. They can't enforce contact or alter hearing dates. Has he poisoned her against you? Is she 14 years old?

I agree with @itsgettingweird, also see your GP in relation to your mental health and refer yourself to the local talking therapies services (used to be called iapt) you need to be able to fight your corner here.

I would make a complaint about your SW and request a new one, I would as part of the complaint ask for a visit and support for your case. If you think your ex is taking drugs/ drinking you can report him anonymously to the MASH (the link will be on your local authority website). Get safeguarding involved.

Some solicitors will do a free consultation- is there any near you that do this? Can CAB help at all or give you a pointer around legal
support.

Make a complaint why?
And she doesn't need to do a MASH referral, there is already an allocated social worker who is completing a section 37 report which is a court directed safeguarding assessment.

On what grounds was a PSO issued? I really don't understand how you haven't gone to school to see her prior to the PSO. You need to get a solicitor - seek legal aid if you have too