Awkward!

[Hihu1]

I suffer from anxiety so please tell me how much I need to worry or not worry and whether it’s as awkward as I’m feeling:

met a school mum for lunch. I have told her casually A LOT over the years about my family, relationships etc. more than I should have shared about my in-laws for example and my DH. Just in conversation I mentioned SIL’s husband who works in a company she first mentioned today. She knows who he is and wants to to email him for networking purposes as she’s looking to get a job in the sector that he’s very senior in. He’s very high up, he’s practically written the laws relating to the sector and a lot of people know him due to this she obviously wants to get in contact with him. She said she will mention me and DH and say our kids in same school etc. problem is the in-laws don’t like me and they will wonder why I’m talking about him!

Is this normal? What will likely happen? He’s a nice guy (Shame about his horrible DW - my SIL) so I know he won’t ignore her and will respond especially as she will mention my and DH name so he will likely respond due to family connection and probably tell his wife that my friend contacted him. I’m worried! I haven’t seen him or SIL for 8 years. Will this cause problems for me?

Next time shall I avoid telling anyone I know him!

Tell her you think she’ll do a LOT better if she doesn’t mention the connection! She needs it to be in her interests to do what you want.

Well then, this is what you get for prattling! She’s using information you didn’t have to give her. Why were you talking about people you haven’t seen for the best part of a decade?

@Athwart it came up in conversation! I did t even say his name she mentioned the company and I said DH’s bil works there and she asked his name etc. then found him on LinkedIn as we were talking!

As soon as I mentioned a family connection I regretted it as she kept asking for more details of him. I didn’t intend on talking about him. I just mentioned I know how hard her job is

Well, there you go. You fed her the information that led to a situation you’re finding awkward.

@Athwart come on! If you were talking to someone you thought a friend do you have to censor everything you say?

@Hihu1 I can understand why you would be panicking, if you’ve opened up fully about the family shenanigans. However, just think if she did ever spill the beans at least they get to hear your thoughts and feelings on the situations that led you to NC.

She’s a professional though, so will only mention you in passing to get the meeting arranged. No other chit-chat about you and DH, especially nothing negative, will take place. She’s there to do a job.

I’d tell her that it could go the other way if you mention that she knows you as things have been frosty.

do I really need to worry? My fear is them wondering why I’m mentioning his name and asking her to contact him for advice

Well… let them wonder! How will them wondering affect your life in any way?

Would it not be wise to suggest that dropping your details could be a negative? If she knows you are non contact she must surely realise that relations are frosty? I mean her going in with ‘Hey, you know that person you can’t stand? She’s my bestie, I’d love to be friends with you too!’ Can’t work, can it?

He’s not going to take a meeting with her. If he’s the top dog in his company/industry he doesn’t need to spend time meeting some stranger one on one. Why would he? If you were best buddies with him and the family was close and you begged him to do you a favour for a very good friend perhaps it would happen. In these circumstances, no, not happening.

Well, he'll probably be quite surprised that you've mentioned him to this friend if you've had no contact with him for 8/9 years. But there's nothing you can do about it now! I doubt it'll actually cause any drama within the family. But maybe you should think about being more discreet when speaking to aquaintances, especially about your DHs family!

But the thing is you didn’t ‘tell’ her to contact him for advice. She did that herself.
She contacted him and now he’s reciprocated. He may be high powered so he’s no fool. Even if he does meet her out of curiosity - so what.
That’s what networking is for he might enjoy connecting her with people who may help her.
It is now none of your business so step away.
You are driving yourself mad and it’s not necessary.
It doesn’t matter what your SIL or any of these people think of you.
However two other things stood out to me:

1. you have been far too trusting with this friend. Stop oversharing I know you are anxious.
2. I think he treatment of you personally here is shitty. A meeting with your BIL is more important to her than you.

I haven’t been able to sleep all night thinking how cheeky she is! Fair enough she wants to network but using my and DH name, plus my kids (our kids in same class as hers) when I’ve told her there’s a family rift is really annoying. I feel she’s using me. I would never do that but I suppose I must remember not everyone thinks like I do. Why bring up all this drama when I’m done with his family. DH said let her contact him as he gets messages like this all the time from people who catch a sniff he’s family but issue is I know she won’t let it go and keep annoying him which will look really bad hit me as she’s my “friend”

It's hardly 'censorship' not to mention an IL you haven't seen in eight years and with whom you have no relationship, just because someone mentioned a company he works in!

You put yourself in this situation by oversharing. Own that. I mean, I think it's completely trivial, but it's clearly bothering you a lot. Your friend might be the 'cheekiest' or most ambitious person in the world, but she's using information you voluntarily gave her in the first place. You admit yourself in your OP that you overshared and told her 'a lot more than I should have' down the years.

I wouldn’t worry and that’s coming from someone also prone to catastrophising! If one of the family asked (but don’t explain if not asked) just say you got chatting with a friend about the company and you told her that your BIL used to work there. No other explanation needed.

Could you expressly ask her not to contact him? Tell her as a friend you really would prefer she didn’t because there is bad blood there and you don’t want anything coming back to you, or you,DH or kids names being mentioned. If she refuses then she’s a crap friend, especially given everything you’ve told her, and you should cut her loose.
But really you should stop letting these people have so much power over your mind. You need to think of the worst case scenario here and realise it’s not so bad, before you spiral any further. What is the worst case scenario? She reaches out, he agrees to talk to her or even meet her, she’s horribly indiscreet about things you’ve told her, he tells his wife and mother, they have a good old gossip about that and wonder why you mentioned him to her, maybe they even contact your DH and/or you. Does DH talk to them? Unless you’ve said something to her that you wouldn’t want getting back to DH, in which case it’s lesson learned for you, but unless it’s about cheating or something awful, you can just ignore them. Even better, block so they can’t hassle you about it. Clearly DH doesn’t seem that bothered about any backlash for him. This is the worst case scenario. The MORE LIKELY scenario is that the guy politely agrees to talk to her,
but sees right through her shameless, mercenary attempt to network and name drop, gives her short shrift if she tries to delve into complicated family politics right off the bat (is this even likely???), he may tell the family who’ll wonder about it, maybe have a bitch about you, and then forget all about it.

You are overthinking this and hyper focused on you being the centre of the conversation. The reality is you aren’t the conversation she wants to have with him. You’ll be the ice breaker. She may briefly mention she knows you and the kids go to the same school but then the conversation will quickly switch to the real subject she wants to talk to him about.

To reduce your anxiety, as her if she can position it as “I asked and she mentioned a family connection but our kids go to the same school”. It then makes it clear you weren’t talking about them, it was prompted via an open question.