Awkward!

[Hihu1]

I suffer from anxiety so please tell me how much I need to worry or not worry and whether it’s as awkward as I’m feeling:

met a school mum for lunch. I have told her casually A LOT over the years about my family, relationships etc. more than I should have shared about my in-laws for example and my DH. Just in conversation I mentioned SIL’s husband who works in a company she first mentioned today. She knows who he is and wants to to email him for networking purposes as she’s looking to get a job in the sector that he’s very senior in. He’s very high up, he’s practically written the laws relating to the sector and a lot of people know him due to this she obviously wants to get in contact with him. She said she will mention me and DH and say our kids in same school etc. problem is the in-laws don’t like me and they will wonder why I’m talking about him!

Is this normal? What will likely happen? He’s a nice guy (Shame about his horrible DW - my SIL) so I know he won’t ignore her and will respond especially as she will mention my and DH name so he will likely respond due to family connection and probably tell his wife that my friend contacted him. I’m worried! I haven’t seen him or SIL for 8 years. Will this cause problems for me?

Next time shall I avoid telling anyone I know him!

Anyone around for advice please? I’m worried

Why didn't you just tell your friend you are no contact with the in-laws when she mentioned reaching out to him and saying she knows you?

@Crunchymum i did! I told her she knows I haven’t seen them for 8-9 years!

I don’t think she cares as just wants to network and doesn’t really care how I feel or the situation

Don’t worry about it. Given his profile he probably gets loads of people jumping on minor connections to try and network with him.

Well then your "friend" is an utter arsehole and you need to pull back from her or cut her out completely.

When she continued to persist about name dropping me I'd have probably said something along the lines of "well BIL hates me so I don't think mentioning me is going to get a positive response from him"

I think you need to not facilitate this networking. She is clearly using you, and that's not okay.

What repercussions are you fearing?

You are overthinking. She’ll get in touch and mention she knows you. He will likely send a polite email back referring her to HR to discuss any application with them, or say they aren’t hiring, or whatever. Maybe she gets a job there, maybe she doesn’t, but either way it’s not a big deal she is trying to name drop. People do it all the time. If he wonders at all why she knows about the connection between you and him, he’ll likely assume it was because she mentioned she works in that sector and you mentioned that you knew him who also worked in that sector.

Say you’ll pass on a message next time you speak to him. And then as you never speak to him, you’re sorted!

If she is really desperate she can find him on linked in and message mentioning she knows you - but that takes you out of the loop.

I wouldn’t worry about it - people are weird.

Exactly this. No big deal. Don’t worry.

You left it 9 minutes before bumping your thread. Are you getting help for this anxiety eg from a therapist or gp?

I think it’s quite natural to mention you know someone who works at X company if the person brings it up, and asking for possible contact details is what you do these days - it’s called networking!
How can it cause problems for you? You don’t see them anyway and it’s not like you are contacting him out of the blue asking for a job.

If she knows, I wouldn’t worry at all.
Your ILs can wonder all they like about why you are talking about them. What does it matter if you’re no contact with them?

Presumably she has found his email address on the internet and so can email him just like anyone else might decide to, but I would tell her there is no point dropping your name into the conversation as you have no relationship with him and it may well have a negative impact on her approach to him.

Either he will respond because he's a nice guy and there will be nothing to feel awkward about. Or it will backfire on her because you don't get on with his wife. You can warn your friend that mentioning your name is unlikely to be helpful. But you don't have a relationship with your BiL anyway so what damage can she do?

He’s on her LinkedIn already! He was there from before but now she will message him saying she knows his family and if he can meet her for a coffee

I know it’s called networking but it’s awkward when there’s family history there

This ^

i really wouldn’t worry. Your BIL will not be involved into interview procedures. Everything will go through HR.

She’s not after a job she’s after a meeting with him to get contacts of others from him. Starting off with she knows my DH will mean BIL will feel obligated to meet as he doesn’t want to ignore his wife’s family

You’re overthinking it, you don’t talk to them anyway so what exactly could the consequences be other than to her i.e. she’ll make a negative impression because you haven’t spoken in the best part of a decade and his wife hates you. By all means warn her off it as a friend but there’s no need for you to stress about her making a tit out herself, it won’t affect you in any way.

Can you contact him and warn him what she’s going to do and disassociate yourself from that?

Sorry she said she’ll mention DH and say her kids and our kids in same class. She might mention me but mostly it will be that she knows DH

I’m still unsure as to what is it you’re worrying about? Are you concerned that your friend will tell him things that you’ve told her?

@BravasPatatas good question i don’t know! There’s loads of thoughts going on in my head. First one we stopped talking (SIL and myself) on really bad terms and haven’t spoken since, secondly I don’t really want them to know anything about myself and kids, then maybe incase any conversations come up regarding the things I’ve told her and incase SIL says anything about me and Dh’s relationship. Basically I’m done with these people and don’t want to think about them in any shape or form, I’m done with these people in-laws.

Also MIL and SIL are the type to tell me they did me a favour by helping a friend of mine out if u know what I mean

This. You are overthinking and catastrophising.

Are you taking steps to deal with your anxiety, which in time could rub off on your children?