AIBU to want us both to check gym plans with a baby?

[SleepyWhippetMum]

I had a baby 9 weeks ago and prior to this did a fair bit of exercise in the form of running, Peleton and gym classes. My DP also goes to the gym around 3 times a week.

Since I was pregnant and baby arriving, my exercise has tailed off but I have started to pick up again the last couple of weeks and am finally feeling a bit more like myself.

Last night DP said he's going to the gym tomorrow after work. I was a bit annoyed that he just told me and I made a point of saying that how did he know I didn't have something on, and that I think it would be polite for us both to check with each other each week what our plans are as there's two of us now exercising again and it's not fair to just assume I'll fit round him and just look after the baby like I do everyday.

He got really upset and said I'm trying to control him and make him ask permission to do the things he enjoys. This is absolutely not what I want or what I was saying but he won't listen.

FWIW I have absolutely no plans to do anything Thursday evening, I just felt like he should have considered that I might. So AIBU and acting controlling?

Not unreasonable at all, it's what parents who have another person to now look after do!

I'm assuming he's not really looked after the baby by himself yet? Or is he still getting used to the extra responsibility and forgot?

How far in advance do you want him to tell you? Bit ironic you expect him to tell you his plans, which he did, but you state you may have had plans that you hadn't told him about. Why don't you have to run plans past him?
Can you not plan set nights he goes to the gym and set nights you go so you both know what's happening?

Forgot to add, I would say to my husband "I'm planning on going out on Friday any objections?" I wouldn't specifically ask for permission

I feel like this is a universal baby experience, baby arrived and mum needs to arrange childcare if she wants to do anything - meanwhile dad just assumes mum has the baby so he can do what he likes.

I also don’t think they get the misery of being alone with baby all day… to then find they’re not coming home at the usual time because they’re off doing something nice without a baby.

You need a schedule so your gym time is booked in and he knows he needs to be there - and you need to remind him the baby is 50% hos responsibility.

I’ve always suspected the reason shared parental leave hasn’t taken off is that the current set up rather suits them - no change to their life, baby or mums problem.

So he’s expecting you to be the default parent?! You did the right thing nipping it in the bud early on, the baby is both your responsibility and he can’t just assume you’ll be looking after the baby whilst he does what he likes. It’s not about asking permission or controlling anyone, it’s basic parenting!

It’s not permission, it’s consideration for the other person.
dh and I sit down every Sunday night to discuss who is doing what the following week, who’s out, who needs the car etc.

It’s an adjustment period. He’s still in the old system.

set up a joint online calendar that you can access on your phones or stick one on the wall in the kitchen to ensure you both get time to yourselves.

it’s hard as when you have the baby it’s very easy to become the default parent .

you can go ballistic with him if you want about his selfishness / thoughtlessness etc - but I personally wouldn’t turn this into a major row - just set up a system to move forwards with.

It really sounds like a bit of thoughtlessness in the early days of parenting as you both adjust - yes it needs sorting straight away but it doesn’t have to be LTB territory .

easily sorted with a system .

Congrats on the baby .

Definitely get on top of this now! Both parties check with the other. It’s considerate and fair. Why is the expectation that he can do what he wants when he wants?!

My advice would be to have set days and stick to them. No confusion and no accusations of being controlling.

You’ve both presumed
going forward you both need to plan
tbh it’s a good thing its happened now

you can both set some ground rules about how to plan things and make sure you both get some free time

Perfectly normal to check with your spouse before doing something extra after work, whatever that may be. As you say, you don’t know if they have planned something that may clash.

You’re cross that he didn’t check with you that you didn’t have plans when, had you had plans, you wouldn’t have told him
either?
If you both want to go to the gym maybe agree a schedule on a Sunday for the week ahead so you both get to go.

Yes, both of you need to get into the habit of checking with each other before making plans.
It’s not controlling in the slightest, it’s just acknowledging that you now have a child who needs looking after!

If you hadn’t told him that you had something on then it’s not unreasonable that he thought you hadn’t. The situation came about through lack of communication.
I think you need to have a conversation and work out who does what on what days with an element of flexibility.
Neither me or my husband ask permission as such but we will run things past each other.

You need a family calendar. If it isn’t on the calendar, it isn’t happening.

No I didn't have any plans, and I wouldn't just book a class for example, without checking with him first. I was just irritated that he assumed I would be home so was a bit childish in my response I guess.

I will suggest we sit down weekly and discuss which days work for us. This was pretty much what I was alluding to last night but the conversation went awry as we both got quite defensive.

It's re-adjustment time, and a joint calendar is probably the way forward - but when you become a parent, you absolutely don't get to live the life of a single or child-free person.

I really think that saying ‘I’m going to the gym tomorrow night’ was checking with you.

If he’d said ‘I’m going to the gym right now’ then I’d see your point but he didn’t. Or if he had booked a class that he wasn’t able to cancel.

So, what you want is for him to say ‘is it ok with you if I go to the gym tomorrow?’

I think that’s fine to say that to him if it’s something that’s really important to you. It wouldn’t be for me because I would have just said ‘you can’t, I’m doing something so you need to be here’ and my dh would have just gone to the gym at another time. I don’t think I’d like asking my husband if I could do things though.

Not unreasonable. It's not controlling to expect him to have a "partnership" mentality and to discuss and decide plans between the two of you. Both of you should be checking in with each other whether things you'd loke to do will fit in with other needs, and should be agreeing between you how to ensure that your shared responsibilities are achieved. What he wants seems to be that he gets to continue with the same freedom and flexibility that he would have if he wasn't a dad, while you shoulder 100% of the parenting burden. If he's not an utter piece of shit then he won't have too much difficulty understanding the problem once it is laid out like that calmly. If he do have trouble then he's a shit partner and a shit dad but why on earth didn't this conversation happen before you got pregnant??

In your OP you say you made a point of asking him how did he know you didn’t have something on.
By saying that to him, you’re showing him that you may also have made plans without checking in with him.
You say here that you wouldn’t book something without checking with him
first but have demonstrated to him that you might have done by what you said.
You have a new baby. You’re probably both tired and stuff like this leads to resentment and bickering so time to get your communication about these things up and running before it causes a real issue.
Get a wall calendar or a shared electronic thing and fill it in together in advance.

When we had our first, my dh used to say I have x on on Thursday… and I’d say and? Him: blank. Me: and , I guess you’ve arranged babysitting since you haven’t asked me if I want to do more solo parentifn in the evening after all night solo parenting and all day solo parenting? He soon worked out to politely check rather than assume I was a slave available 24/7. You’re not wrong

I would go with the, it's not asking for permission, it's that we have a baby, and one of us needs to be with her/him 24/7; so we need to work together to make sure we both know what the other's plans are. So the baby isn't left alone if we both plan something without the other knowing.

YANBU
this is called parenting. Your husband seems to just want to continue with his pre-child life ?!! So many useless men do this.
you'll both have to check with the other now until your child is 18. And he accuses you of being controlling?! Give me strength

If people consider it misery to be alone why do it? Go out, got to work or don't have the kid

Thanks so much everyone for your quick responses. I just needed a sense check as I was questioning my sanity!

Completely agree with this. It's at this point that 'mother as default parent' gets set in stone. Absolutely carve out time when you want to go to the gym, or for a night out, and tell him.

Well done OP. It's an adjustment period so communication is key.