AIBU to think prolonged young adult lifestyles now extend into people’s forties and to wonder what the outcome of that will be?

[rotiegg]

Of the bat this isn't really about a judgement about any one person its just to trigger a speculative conversation about this trend.

I am noticing that the lifestyle of what was once “young adulthood” i.e. casual dating, hook ups, going out to pubs, clubs and parties every weekend, drugs, booze, some what chaotic lives, poor diets, living in messy flat shares, mostly not having kids or being married and a career that is all over the place, doing unpaid, or precarious work still trying to break into various fields is now going on into people’s 40’s? In fact I was inspired to start this threat after listening to a women on a local community radio show talk about her new art show which explores living that kind of life at 40 while also starting to deal with perimenopause.

There was also a segment where two women again about 40ish spoke about things their friends had done as “revenge” to recent past lovers and it was really immature stuff like urinating on a drunk passed out boyfriend in a club because he hadn’t helped her when she’d been sick and another where a friend of theirs orchestrated an elaborate rouse where they enlisted a friend who they knew would be an ex’s dream woman to seduce him via Instagram and once he was in love with her got her to dump him brutally to break his heart.
I do get that it’s a lot harder these days to find secure housing, committed relationships, well paying work, especially in the arts. I work in the creative arts as well and so I see a lot of this in my peer group and we are probably at the coal face of precarity for middle class workers but even if people decide to opt out of traditional work or living arrangements at some point surely a degree of maturity is reached?

I’m not immune to this, my life isn’t exactly where I thought it would be by this stage in many ways but I do think my life is more stable than it was when I was 23. I just wonder if people think that the fact that people are delaying or unable to progress in life as they did in the past that it is also sort of extending the behaviours of youth as described above for longer and what that means when people who never “grew up mentally” start to bump into real physical ageing with out a home or savings etc? I know its been a thing for a while but in the past it seemed to go on until the 30’s now its stretching into the 40’s where things like real aging, disease and menopause wait for most of us.

What is it you think people should be doing ?

All living in a 2 bed semi raising kids and working in a bank ?

What kind of lifestyle do you think people are obliged to progress to?

Not having kids or not being married isn’t a sign of young adulthood, it’s a sign of people having more choices now.

Generations before were forced to ascribe to a very set way of living life - one job for life, marriage, children. I certainly look at my parents and think they were old before their time.

Now we have more choices and freedom to live our lives however we want, and isn’t that a beautiful thing? Why should partying be for the young? Why not be in a flat share if that’s what you want?

Being ‘grown-up’ doesn’t mean having to be conventional. I’d how we’re in an era of a lot less judgement.

And yes, urinating you on someone is gross, and I suspect that person is gross at any age. That’s not a societal issue.

Where do you see this? IMO it’s pretty unusual for a 40 year old to behave like this

I’m reading a little between the lines here, but what it sounds like is you are judging single, childless women approaching their 40s but thinly veiling it.

What I will say is, a majority of women still at the dating stage at that point are not there by choice and are probably well aware of their inability to provide society with the box ticking they expect.

I literally know noone who has urinated on someone else.

where are you that this is happening to most people? I’m in the south east and I don’t see this at all in my area. I’m late 30s and everyone I know is settled down, either married or long term relationship, kids (or happily child free) and have bought houses. I don’t know anyone like you describe. I’m sure there are some but it’s not the norm here after around age 30.

YABU. Why is it of any concern to you how others chose to live. Not everyone wants 2.3 kids and a semi

Wage stagnation and house price rises.

If you're not earning enough to live on your own, you'll be in a flat share... Or still living with your parents.

If you're not earning enough, you probably won't choose to have a baby (especially if you'd have to live in a house share).

What little money you do have, you want to spend on something fun. A night out? Getting drunk?
You can't ever see savings £20k+ for a house deposit, so you go on holiday.

It's not surprising really

It's funny that the comments all slam OP but the poll tells another story. This is pretty common on MN and basically means that OP has hit upon a controversial but common idea.

I voted YANBU as there are clear advantages to getting elements of your life sorted before you're 40. Financially it pays huge dividends to sort out mortgages and pensions early. Biologically it's much easier to have kids in your 20s and 30s than in your 40s. Romance wise, the dating market gets a lot more complex after a while as single parents and people with a lot of baggage become more prevalent. Health wise, your body simply can't tolerate the same lifestyle in your 40s as it did in your 20s. Even things like quitting smoking are much more likely to protect against lung cancer the earlier you are to do it.

The outcome will be a lowered birth rate and higher benefits, surely?

9/10 the childless women I know in their late 30s and 40s aren’t childless by choice. Maybe half the childless men are.

I completely see what you mean OP, although imo it's more men I see living like this than women. It's not that everyone has to have a suburban family life, it's that being an adult is about having responsibilities. That can mean children. It can also mean a job, volunteering, giving to your community, caring for family. You are not fully grown up until you are giving something back.

I have to say I think it's primarily that we have an individualistic culture that despises the idea of duty. We don't raise our children and young people to see themselves as responsible even for themselves, let alone those around them. In that environment, it is inevitable that selfishness will flourish.

Idk. I’d say only about a quarter or less of my friends in their 30s haven’t settled down even the single ones have chilled and don’t want to drink as much or party all night.

Not at all I don't do that either, I'm an artist myself. Its less the lifestyle and more the mentality or behaviours that seem to increasingly go with it.

Yes, I think things have changed and it's not a badthing. Most of the people my age (I'm 48) I know who are still big clubbers also have stable, good jobs. I think there's just not this idea that you have to give it all up when you turn 40 or whatever, especially as fewer people have kids, and those who do may be in their late 30s or older by the time they start a family so partying isn't a silly thing they did as is, it's a genuine part of their lifestyle

We're certainly going out more now our kids are in mid to late teens. Because a lot of our generation do. We also go to theatre, opera and do other 'grown up' things, but I did when I was younger as well. I don't think liking parties or sexual hookups when you're older necessarily indicates immaturity or irresponsibility at all.

Realistically OP there’s always been people living like this, since the 60s at least. If people are paying their own way, I don’t see the problem.

really immature stuff like urinating on a drunk passed out boyfriend in a club because he hadn’t helped her when she’d been sick

That's not immature, that's deranged. I don't know anyone like that in my 40s and I didn't in my 20s either.

People in their 40s should be going out and spending money and boosting the economy. Nightlife, restaurants, pubs, they all need regular clients not just two nights a week. Young folk now don't like that side of things as they didn't grow up with any proper youth culture other than online. Plus they can't afford to go out. Older people 40 plus often can.

Would you rather people just sat at home watching BBC and getting their licences fees worth while knitting?!

Oh I do see it, I think even the generation that is just above us were more settled by about 40 which doesn't mean a nice house in the burb's with 2.4 kids but just that they had become a bit more mature and stable internally and less childish in their behaviour. I think its valid to wonder what happens when we hid middle age and are still caning it after decades with no much built up to support us as we get older, we literally won't be youthful forever and as a previous poster suggested there is something in giving back to others and taking responsibility as a way to develop as humans. I am definitely not saying everyone should live the same cookie cutter life I suppose I am more asking what we lose when a huge segment of adults increasingly don't have those traditional trappings of adult life? I think what we gain such as freedom and individual pleasure and self expression have been explored and that is of value too but there is a flip side to it which I am interested in discussing.

Its not about that really I don't have that lifestyle either, I'm an artist myself and don't live a 1950's style life and it isn't really about individuals more about the broader trends in society, I'm just curious and thought it was worth discussing.

Interesting points for sure! I also think when you post on AIBU you have to accept people are looking to be contrarian which I don't mind I'd just appreciate a bit more depth to some of their responses!

You forgot married 😡

Watching the daughter of a friend reaping this. Was 'young' and free until late 30s when she suddenly realised her biological clock was ticking. Grabbed one of the only free blokes she could find, moved in, 2 babies, all within 3 years.

He's a complete loser. She has no career because she was enjoying her freedom. And now she's poor, with 2 kids and a loser bloke. Parents are having to support her.

All because she (and her parents allowed) the myth that being young is about having a good time. Not preparing for real life.

So people aren’t necessarily living in the traditional way anymore. Or the way you think they should be living.

Oh well.

Well rich/successful creative types behave like this a lot if you look at the actors who have kids, split up, date younger people, or settle down late but because they are loaded and can buy that lifestyle no one really bats an eyelid.

The world needs non-conformists as long as they don’t expect everyone around them to rescue their choices perhaps they have the right idea, as you say old age, illness creeps up on everyone, you could argue not worrying about stability when you are too old to enjoy it is a more fulfilled path?

Lots of people in their thirties still living in the parental home where I live. Afaik they are independent and fine, but not willing to spend a lot of money on rent. The drawback is that the parents can’t downsize. If stamp duty is removed it might shake things up a bit. But I see loft extensions and garden rooms being added all over the place. So I think multi generational living is slowly creeping up on us as a new norm. It probably keeps the younger ones younger, and the older ones younger too.