AIBU for wanting to be there when my daughter gets her ears pierced?

[Anonymous014]

Yesterday husband mentioned his mum was taking DD to get her ears pierced today! I told him that’s my job as her mother to do that and he got annoyed with me and said, “I shouldn’t have told you, I knew you would make a fuss”. I told him she’s my only daughter and his mum has her own 2 daughters and this is a special thing that I would like to be present for. He takes the kids to his mums every Sunday for the entire day and I don’t go as MIL doesn’t like me so I go when I absolutely have to and I do be very nice to her.

I just phoned up my own mum to make sure I wasn’t overreacting to DH and my mums response is “well she’s her grandma why don’t you just let her do it”.

AIBU for wanting to take my only daughter to get her ears pierced? MIL had her time and she had no MIL to annoy her like I have.

i might be overreacting if you don’t understand d the history - MIL walked in the delivery room when DD was minutes old and took her from me. She would never allow me to hold my baby and would cling to her, for the first year of her life. She only “allowed” me to hold her when I was breastfeeding her and then she would stare till I gave her back, I’m not kidding and not overreacting. I felt guilty holding my own baby! . She caused so much anxiety and I feel I never bonded with DD. I went through a dark depression of thinking she’s not my baby. She was born via IVF and MIL would always say she was nothing like me and 100% my DH. I had depression and thought for months the clinic mixed up my egg as my daughter is nothing like me. I wasn’t going to include this because it’s identifying absence before in here about it but I just need to let it all out. I feel anger so much anger. When my boys were born I was older and basically told MIL to fuck off in a nice way and made it clear I’m the mother not the incubator for her grandkids.

You have a DH problem.

I’m no do sorry for typos. It doesn’t let me edit now!

The ear piercing thing in isolation isn’t an issue.

You do have a huge issue with your DH. Why didn’t he step up and stand up for you when you were so vulnerable? I couldn’t be with a partner that allowed others to treat me so badly.

The ear piercing isnt a "special thing" and i dont see the big deal about that on its own however you absolutely have a dh problem.

You're her mum so you get to call the shots. Don't let your mil and DH bully you.

Uanbu to want to take your own daughter for that. How old is she?

Maybe to you but different things are important to parents. And this is a milestone/special to some.

And also a 'me' problem if she's letting anyone dictate when she can/can't hold her own baby.

Not unreasonable at all, my MIL wanted to take my daughter to get her first shoes and I was really upset as I wanted to be the one to do it. Don’t let her bully you - if it’s important to you, it’s important to you. You don’t need to justify your feelings to anyone else

I would have a huge issue with the fact he was going to do something like that and thought ‘i shouldn’t have told you’ was the right response. So he thinks it’s ok to get your dd’s ears pierced without any discussion first or telling you. Awful.

How old is your daughter?

No one apart from parents should be taking any child for piercings, haircuts etc without prior discussion and agreement from parents. Both parents if it is a significant thing like getting ears pierced.

If a grandparent wants to take a grandchild somewhere it's a day trip or an outing to the park or to get ice cream etc. Normal day to day things.

Your MIL and your DH are undermining your status as your daughter's mother. Tell them to back off.

I fear though your MIL is just going to do this when she's next alone with your child. If your daughter is a suitable age (IMO aged over at least 10 and expressing a desire for pierced ears) then you might want to arrange it yourself first.

YANBU. Had you previously agreed that she would have them pierced? If not then it shouldn't be happening full stop unless your daughter is a teenager and can make her own decision.

Your MIL's behaviour sounds like something out of a sinister TV drama. How can someone make a decision as to when a mother holds her own baby?!!!

DD is 10 years old. We agreed as a couple that when she starts secondary school she will have them pierced.

it was crazy the way everyone including my own mother made me think this was normal behaviour!

MIL would cry every time I tried to create a boundary such as her knocking on the door rather than walking in multiple times a day in our home with spare key. I wrote about it at the time and was reassured it’s not normal behaviour. They’ve done this to me my entire marriage: making me think I’m too modern and I don’t understand how things should be. Sorry I feel I’m giving too many details do I don’t want to answer anymore questions as I will worry a relative will come across this post so sorry I need to be a little vague now.

This
you husband is a wet blanket

get rid I would!

As your daughter is 10 she's thankfully old enough to say no to her grandmother trying to take her to have her ears pierced.

This in itself is the argument finished. You agreed as a couple. Talk to your daughter about how you both agreed a certain day and that it's important to mean what we say. Does she actually want to yet?

Apologies if I'm wrong, OP, but I smell a cultural issue. But even if I am wrong, 'we decided as a couple', has now been overturned by your husband and that is wrong. As is the whole 'I knew I shouldn't have told you, I knew how you would react' business. If he knew how you would react but allowed his mother to muscle in then he knows he's in the wrong. He hasn't cut the apron strings. There's more to this than the ears but if you can't change her, or him, then the only thing you can do is accept your 'place' in the hierarchy or get out of it.

Wow, who does she think she is taking someone else’s child to get their ears pierced. Don’t agree with piercing babies ears full stop, but you’ve got a serious MIL and DH problem. She would not be caring for my child or ever alone if she felt it acceptable to take someone else’s child for ear piercing. Shocking.

He is minimizing your voice/ opininon " you are making a fuss". He is not sticking up for you by saying "I will have a word with 014 anonymous first and I will let you know". He is sitting on the fence all of the time and needs to get off it!!

Don’t agree with piercing babies ears full stop

The child is 10 years old.

I wouldn’t wait until she starts secondary school. I’d take her as soon as the summer holidays begin so her ears can heal before she has to go back to school. This might also pre-empt MIL.

She sounds like a nightmare and DH sounds like a wet blanket.

I’m confused though, is MIL planning on taking her today or does DD have to wait until secondary school, and MIL wants to be the one to take her when it’s time? If it’s the former I’d not let her go to MILs today. If it’s the latter pre empt her and take her yourself the afternoon school breaks up (tell no one you’re doing this and make it a surprise for DD), it’s also better to have the summer for healing than do it at the start of term.

Your husband is shit for not enforcing boundaries with his very inappropriate mother.

But getting your ears pierced isn't really some special rite of passage so I think on that specific issue you're being dramatic.

Re the ear piercing specifically, are you in the UK? Piercing studios must have permission from a parent or legal guardian to do piercing on a child, so if grandma just turns up with your daughter they may well refuse to do it anyway - the rules are particularly tight in Scotland where I believe the parent/guardian must be physically present. Beyond that, your MIL is a maniac and your DH is a knob.