To think my husband’s fathers wife should of involved him in his fathers funeral?

[Thatsnotappropriate]

I had to post as I’m still so flabbergasted by this experience, I had to check if I’m overreacting or not.

My dh dad, my father-in-law passed recently. Dh is his only child. He remarried after divorcing dh mum. Years ago, we all got on fairly well. Then fil sadly had a stroke, and had to go into a care home. From there the relationship between new wife and dh was a little strained. She kept pushing for dh mother’s home who she owned with fil to be sold. Dh has court of protection rights for his mother, as she sadly had a stroke too. It was all a bit.. icky. But then fil died, so we obviously pushed all that to the side.

New wife text dh once to say his dad had died. Then a second time to give location of funeral. That was it. My dh called her - ignored. Then weirdly - not one member of his side of the family contacted him with condolences. Which was really strange.

The funeral was at a crematorium. Which was a little odd, as fil was a devout catholic, but whatever, may of changed his mind. So we turn up to the crematorium. We discussed it before and assumed there must not be ‘family’ cars and pole bearers, as he would have been contacted.

You can imagine our shock when the hearse arrives followed by 3 cars. New wife, uncles, sisters brothers cousins all in there. But not his only child.

None of the family meet our eyes, inc new wife. We go into the crem, where the front rows are ‘reserved’, for everyone but dh. Then the coffin is brought in. By uncles and male cousins. So dh was robbed of the opportunity to carry his dad.

After the service, dh understandably doesn’t want to go to pub with everyone afterwards.

I say I understand, but say that we should
Let the family know.

So I approach dh’s uncle, brother of fil. Obviously, he has lost his brother so I don’t want to kick up a fuss. I just say quietly we were leaving, as dh was understandably a little upset about not being involved. He snaps that “well, maybe he should have got involved earlier” I ask him how is that possible when new wife ignores his calls?” He snaps “well that’s not a conversation for today” and I agree and said I just wanted to let the family know we were going” he mutters something and turns his back on me.

The whole experience was absolutely baffling. I can only assume new wife has said something about us, and it must of been something awful, as why would all of them think it’s acceptable to leave fil son out in the cold.

Aibu?

Happened to my hubby when his father died. Hubby wasn’t consulted or involved in any of the funeral arrangements.

Happened to me too when my dad died and bitchface stepmother wouldn’t let me get involved.
Not seen her since and don’t have any of my dad’s belongings. Nothing worth anything but of sentimental value to me.

That’s awful.

The only possible justification I can think of for the uncle’s remark is if your H didn’t visit his dad in the care home?

Otherwise, they’ve all behaved appallingly.

How often did your DH visit your FIL in his care home and how long was he in there? Why, if your FIL had remarried, did he still own a house with his ex wife? Did his ex, your MIL, still live in that house or was she in a care home?

I would want to text family members to say you're sad there's been a misunderstanding , but DH tried to contact the stepmother regarding the funeral arrangements and she wouldn't reply.
It's strange they have all turned against him and I would want to know why.

I suspect there is more to this. Did DH get actively involved in his care? Visit him?

Im curious why your dh was texted by family or was it the wife to inform of his father's death. Was he not involved in his care? If the new wife managed to contact extended family and they all planned funeral together its sounding like your dh just wasnt that close to his dad.

That sounds really tough for your husband, and I don't think there's any way to justify the decision to exclude him from the reserved seating, for example. I suppose the best you can say is that not all of the funeral goers would need to have been in on this - just one person making the decisions, most likely.

In case it is any reassurance, it's a while since Catholics have had any issues with cremation and I know quite a lot of devout Catholics who have been cremated.

I'm sorry for your husband's loss and that he was treated this way

Did your DH not go and visit? If his step mum wouldn’t communicate then surely he could have found things out via his uncles?

this is one of those where I can’t help but thinking the other side of the story would be very different and the realities fall somewhere inbetween.

Thanks for all your messages,

dh was involved in his fathers care, and did visit him. As did I. And our child, his only grandchild.
Despite the wife being very sketchy. She also used to use fil phone and text dh and pretend to be him.

the house sale again was very sketchy. It was paid off, by both of them, and mil was living there before her stroke. The agreement was that they would sell the home and split it, and as they were both in care homes, both of the respective care homes and the new wife were pushing for a sale. It did sell.

then new wife discovered that all proceeds would go to dh’s mum, rather than her and pulled the sale.

its all a bit of a mess.

Jeez people are weird aren’t they. Sorry that your DH didn’t get the chance to be involved in his dad’s funeral. All seems really strange.

Your DH seems to be quite detached from his family - I do find it strange that there was no contact with aunts/uncles and cousins before the funeral.

Why would the whole proceeds of the sale of the house go to ex-wife when it was owned by both of them? I can understand why the new wife would be looking to access half the value of the house as that money would be needed for care home fees.

How involved in the care was he? How often did he visit?

Joint tenancies automatically revert to the surviving partner in the event of the death of the other. They were really stupid not to change the ownership to tenants in common. I can’t see how a new wife could cancel the sale of a property she doesn’t own. The LA will now force the sale.

New wife text dh once to say his dad had died. Then a second time to give location of funeral. That was it.

This sentence alone makes me raise an eyebrow.
If someone contacted dh to tell him his father had died, he would have gone there straight away.
If he couldn't get in touch with his stepmum, then he would have rung other close family members to say "There seems to be an issue with 'Jane's' phone - can anyone let me know when we are meeting with the undertakers / planning the funeral ?" or some such.

There is definitely another side to this story.
I know you are trying to gain sympathy for your dh, but you are not telling us the whole back story.

I can't imagine excluding the child of the deceased from the front row seats no matter how rarely they visited. Awful, awful behaviour.

How did the new wife stop the sale of a house she didn’t legally own?

Agreed, it seems odd to accept such limited information and simply show up at your own parent’s funeral off the back of two texts.

Then weirdly - not one member of his side of the family contacted him with condolences. Which was really strange.

And did he contact any other family members? I understand you’d expect them to contact him too but equally if there are other family he surely could’ve contacted them?

My step-mother won’t even tell me where my dad’s ashes have been scattered. Bitch

Pleeeeeease for the love of all that’s holy, can people stop saying “hubby” it’s so bloody cringe 😬🥴

That is absolutely horrible behaviour. I am so sorry for your DH.

If it was my dad, I would have not done nothing because a couple of messages were not returned. I would have been going to the house, going to the funeral home, contacting other family members.

To be honest, it sounds like he took a very passive role.

There's no excuse for that