To think my husband’s fathers wife should of involved him in his fathers funeral?

[Thatsnotappropriate]

I had to post as I’m still so flabbergasted by this experience, I had to check if I’m overreacting or not.

My dh dad, my father-in-law passed recently. Dh is his only child. He remarried after divorcing dh mum. Years ago, we all got on fairly well. Then fil sadly had a stroke, and had to go into a care home. From there the relationship between new wife and dh was a little strained. She kept pushing for dh mother’s home who she owned with fil to be sold. Dh has court of protection rights for his mother, as she sadly had a stroke too. It was all a bit.. icky. But then fil died, so we obviously pushed all that to the side.

New wife text dh once to say his dad had died. Then a second time to give location of funeral. That was it. My dh called her - ignored. Then weirdly - not one member of his side of the family contacted him with condolences. Which was really strange.

The funeral was at a crematorium. Which was a little odd, as fil was a devout catholic, but whatever, may of changed his mind. So we turn up to the crematorium. We discussed it before and assumed there must not be ‘family’ cars and pole bearers, as he would have been contacted.

You can imagine our shock when the hearse arrives followed by 3 cars. New wife, uncles, sisters brothers cousins all in there. But not his only child.

None of the family meet our eyes, inc new wife. We go into the crem, where the front rows are ‘reserved’, for everyone but dh. Then the coffin is brought in. By uncles and male cousins. So dh was robbed of the opportunity to carry his dad.

After the service, dh understandably doesn’t want to go to pub with everyone afterwards.

I say I understand, but say that we should
Let the family know.

So I approach dh’s uncle, brother of fil. Obviously, he has lost his brother so I don’t want to kick up a fuss. I just say quietly we were leaving, as dh was understandably a little upset about not being involved. He snaps that “well, maybe he should have got involved earlier” I ask him how is that possible when new wife ignores his calls?” He snaps “well that’s not a conversation for today” and I agree and said I just wanted to let the family know we were going” he mutters something and turns his back on me.

The whole experience was absolutely baffling. I can only assume new wife has said something about us, and it must of been something awful, as why would all of them think it’s acceptable to leave fil son out in the cold.

Aibu?

And me.

I'm so sorry.

This happened in a friend's family too. Once the DH became too unwell to get out independently the new wife started gatekeeping visitors and phone calls.

His daughters and son were always turned away with, "Oh he's not so well today, make it another time".

Then it would transpire that he'd been well enough to go out to a cafe – the cafe a few metres from his daughter's house which they'd had to drive across town to reach.

Daughter was retired and fully available to meet up had she only known, but her attempts to see her father were repeatedly rebuffed by the new wife, and of course to begin with daughter believed her lies.

New wife cut up rough about money and property after the funeral, too, despite clear wills having been made.

It was all so distressing for my friend and her siblings. They didn't want to add getting into fights with the new wife to their father's last months, or to their grief after his death.

@Thatsnotappropriate it’s all to do with the house sale. New wife wanted to sell before FIL died so she would receive any money left from FILs 1/2 share paid care home fees. She didn’t get what she thought was hers and has been vindictive about your DH to all the family so that he’s now ostracised.

It will settle down once new wife gets on with life without FIL and loses touch with the family. DH just has to wait it out and don’t rise to the bait.

Sorry for his loss.

'Years ago, we all got on fairly well'
Why are you constantly referring to her as 'new wife'?

It sounds as if there’s a lot of missing backstory. I mean, why would his father’s wife be texting the DH to tell his his dad had died — wasn’t he there?

Nice, just the right time for this sort of nonsense

You can’t change to tenants in common when potential care home fees are involved. It would be seen as deprivation of assets. You can only do it before there is any indication that one of the owners will need care.

Good spelling and grammar isn't nonsense. I'm sad that you think it is.

Not true. My parents did it in their late 90s. In any case this couple was divorced so it would be regarded (rightly) as division of marital assets.

There’s a time and a place to teach. This isn’t it.

"should of, may of, must of" ?

I don't suppose any harm was meant. No doubt your father-in-law's wife thought she was doing her best, it's a difficult time, the phone never seems to stop ringing and if everything went off smoothly on the day, what's the problem?

Catholics have had cremations for many years, nothing unusual about that.

:-)

I noticed the 'ofs' but missed the pole bearers.

I agree, it's dreadful.

It sounds like there may have been reasons though. Potentially at the request of the deceased... it doesn't seem like the son actually made much effort in the aftermath of his own Fathers passing. Unless the OP is going to give a big dripfeed.

Most practising Catholics would want a funeral mass even if the body was to be cremated.

So after FIL wife ignored his calls, presumably DH called round the rest of his relatives, including his father's brother, to find out what was going on....?

Ive just arranged my fathers funeral almost all on my own. My sibling had a major operation a week before our Dad died. He had dreadful signal in hospital too plus a lot of physio time when he wasnt near a phone.

I have passed a few things past him and he did change one song, for good reason. But the rest ive done myself. The time scale, the logistics, and keeping myself together at the same time. I had a close friend of my dads proofread the eulogy, and that took me two days to write and us two days to finalise.

Please be easy on anyone who is arranging a funeral as they are grieveing too, not necessarily thinking straight and are up against a deadline and funeral.directors sending messages that need answering.

That's a good point, yes.

Perhaps your DH would like to ask for his father to be remembered at a mass locally, and to attend with you and the grandson, OP, if he hasn't done this already? It's a very easy thing to do at any Catholic church. It sounds as if his father would have appreciated it and attending it might help him with some closure. The cremation would have been much less important than that to a devout Catholic.

I'm sad that you think it is appropriate to correct such things on a thread about a funeral when the OP has been bereaved.

It feels you're missing something out here.
Why didn't your DH make more effort to get in touch with his SM? Why didn't he call anyone else?