Do you mind if I.....

[Itsjustmethatsall]

Bit of background - DP and I have been together 17 years now. We don't live together, just very close by. He has a motorbike, a very big and shiny one, that is his pride and joy. I thoroughly understand his wanting to get out on it in good weather, it's his relief from any stress. He works full time, and I've just retired.
In the summer, he sometimes goes out on his bike to various meets for a couple of hours after work. My AIBU is, he'll simply text and tell me he's going out on his bike. He won't have eaten when he gets back, he just assumes I'll have cooked, or we'll get a takeaway.
Now, I would rather, instead of simply telling me he's off out, he just text and said 'would you mind if I pop out on the bike for a couple of hours?' seeing as I'm the one waiting for him to get back to have dinner, etc.
Instead, I simply get told, without so much as a by your leave. I just think it's more considerate, seeing as I might have started to prepare dinner, or whatever.
I must say I think only once have I ever said no, I'd rather be didn't, because there was something important to do.
He simply refuses to say it, and I think it's just irritating. I hate being told. He doesn't have to ask - that's not the point. It feels as if he doesn't give a shit, he'll do what he wants. I've asked him, but he simply ignores what I've said like earlier 'might go out on the bike later'
Is it too much to ask for him to just check in what's happening first?

You don't live together so I would say he can do what he likes. But he doesn't then get to expect your life to revolve around that. Go ahead and have your own dinner and he can look after himself.

YANBU - however the problem is that the emotional aspects of your relationship (wanting communication, accountability, consideration etc) outweigh its material aspects (not living together), hence why you feel he is coming up short in these ways.

I think in this instance he needs to go home to his house and eat there when he gets back. Then you can eat when you want and do your own thing.

Do you eat together every night? I don't think he should necessarily ask if you'd mind, I would let my DH know if I were going somewhere but I wouldn't ask his permission or if he'd mind. He would be the same.

But there's no reason why you have to cook for him or eat with him in these circumstances. I would just cook for yourself and eat when you want. He's a grown man, he can sort his own food out!

You don’t even live together so why is this even an issue??????

Just get on with your life without considering him, surely? That’s what he’s doing.

Don’t wait for him, just get on with whatever you want to do when you want to do it and he can sort dinner for himself once he’s back.

I think it's fine. Imagine having to ask permission from your partner for stuff like that! Where does it end? Would you mind if I go to the gym, the supermarket, scratch my arse.....

Go and do your own thing. You don't need to ask him if he minds.

Personally I would find his spur of the moment decisions to go off like that without me knowing in advance very unsettling. But I realise that's a me problem because I like to have things planned and know things in advance

What I don't understand is why, when he goes off for one of these meet ups, you don't just organise your own meal and let him sort his own eating arrangements. There is absolutely no requirement for you to put off eating until he turns up and no requirement for you to cook for him.

You see 'do you mind?' as factoring in your feelings. He sees it as having to ask permission. I'm truth, given you both know that unless you have a good reason to want him not to, he will, so the words don't really matter.
What matters more is the cooking for him part. He needs to either tell you in good time, like mid afternoon latest, or you need to stop cooking for him.

Not motorbike related but my DP does this sort of thing.

He was coming back late from somewhere, and going off again the next day, and apparently concerned about not seeing me so decided he was coming over. I said "right, so are you expecting dinner?". He said "oh, that would be lovely, thanks".

Arsehole.

Anyway, as it happened, I'd had a huge three course roast lunch I'd forgotten I was having, and I had the gym in the evening. He got to mine before I was back, so no dinner.

Then I told him I wasn't hungry so if he wanted it, he could cook it himself. He tried being a bit pissed off but it didn't work, so he cooked his dinner, and I had an apple.

Yes, of course he should check in. And you need to say "have fun, it doesn't work for me you coming here after, so I'll see you tomorrow. Night"

(I do say similar at times, but dp is very needy and sensitive)

I don’t understand why he is expecting you to cater for him if you don’t live together?

Its fine for him to go out but he doesn’t get to expect a cooked meal when he gets back if you don’t live together and he doesn’t let you know what he’s doing.

Yeah stop the cooking for you both and just have your own dinner when you please so there's no need to wait. He can sort himself out whether it's takeaway or making his own dinner. It's fine for him to be spontaneous and please himself but you don't need to wait around or schedule anything around him. You don't live together, you're retired, there's no need to set limits when you're both free to enjoy life.

Why are you expected to be the default cook? And I’ve been married 30 years and that would give me the ick if a full grown man can’t feed himself.

I bet he thinks he looks really cool in his big tough bike. But still needs his mum to cook his tea when he gets in? And she has to wait for him and eat hers at the same time? Nah mate.

Blimey @Itsjustmethatsall you’re not his Mum. Just say ‘eat at home’.

Just cook for yourself and if he asks say he didn’t let you know. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t understand the set up here, if you don’t live together how does him
going out in the evening impact on you having dinner?

Why is he expecting you to have cooked? Next time he does this tell him not to come over afterwards or make it clear you’re eating whenever you like and he’ll need to sort his own food.

I would also see this as him asking your permission. As others have said, why is he coming to yours after this expecting food? Surely he just goes home or gets himself something on the way back

Why have you become default cook?!

Just cook for yourself. He can get himself a takeaway.

Yes. Stop cooking. You don’t live together, I assume so as not to have all that kind of domestic gruntwork. So stop doing it.

He doesn’t need your permission to go out on his bike but you are by no means obliged to cook for him. Just stop.

Why are you cooking him dinner regardless of going out? Or, more to the point, why are you waiting on him to cook dinner?

Should be same rule as when I grew up - dinner on the table at a set time if you wanted to invite him, you snooze, you lose! He's taking you for granted.

The only time a partner needs to ask permission is if there are joint caring responsibilities. Maybe you need to focus more on your own life, meet with friends, go out and do some hobbies. Plan and make your own meals. If I wanted to eat with my DH before we lived together, I actually invited him rather than there being an expectation we'd be together every evening. It sounds like he is living his life, as he should, but you are just at home waiting for him to come round.

Why are you cooking and waiting for him if you don’t even live together? Go and do your own hobby . He’s a big boy he can feed himself.