To refuse to move again?

[No2XW]

Name changed for this because I don’t want to be identified.

DH has two kids with his XW, 13 and 10. We have DC 4 and 1. I met him when SC were 2 and 5, we now live 1hr apart and have them EOWE, Wednesday nights and most of the school holidays.

Shortly after we met XW said she was moving a significant distance away from us to be closer to family. DH (DP then) and I agreed to move closer. She then did it again and again we moved closer (cost us 25k to move and changes of jobs). We’ve been in our current locations for 2 years and DC1 is due to start school in Sept. We are happy and settled here with good friends and some family nearby.

XW has now said she’s moving back to a previous location (it’s a four hour drive from our current location) and that SC want to move because they want to come with her.

AIBU to refuse to move again? DH is devastated.

Year 6 is absolutely a critical year as Y7 places can be really tricky to get unless it’s a bit of a crap school

Poor kids being pulled away from their friends and family

I completely agree with this

Your dh needs to get a decent solicitor and show his kids that he doesn't want them to move.

He needs to show he is willing to fight for their best interests, and them moving, again, away from their father, schools and friends, with a weeks notice is not in their best interests.

The first move was for family support, the second for a job (this is where we live now - it’s better for jobs for us too). She lost the job a while ago and this proposed move is back to near family but different family members who live further away. So it is reasonable reasons.

We’ve never lived close enough to do the school run regularly, always about an hour away, as she chooses very difficult places. She’s been quite clear that if we ever moved close enough to do the school run and tried for more custody then she’d up the parental alienation and refuse it, and we didn’t want to put the children through that. I think now they’re getting older, their eyes are opening to her selfish behaviour though.

A friend’s husband drove the school run that was over an hour away to allow his children to finish their school year.

If you are happy where you are stay put and work access around it. The older children are growing up and will be getting more independent anyway. You have done more than enough by moving twice. You deserve to be settled now.

Stay put. As you could follow her and yet again a year later she may move again
she obv has money as moving costs and stamp duty etc

sorry it will mean that dh won’t see his dc as much

def speak to a family solicitor to get proper advice

It's a hard one because dragging them through a court battle at this age could be harmful for them too. She sounds a bit unhinged and is using her poor children as pawns in her power play.

Or men.

She will of course be contacting cms for more money..

This. Especially as she has lost her job by the sounds of it.

has she got school places lined up for the dcs? I’m thinking not only the one who’s in year 8 going into year 9 in September, but the one who’s supposed to be transitioning to secondary school- they’ll be a late entry then.

If the 13 year old has a good group of friends, I’d say to them if they want to stay at their current school, you’ll make it work for them to live with you. Offer the year 6 child the same, if they were looking forward to going to secondary school with their friends, that can happen from your house.

Don’t move again.

Unless she has very valid reasons to keep moving areas like this surely your husband can contest it? I was going to move around an hour away when my eldest was about a year old(she's 22 so it may be different now) her dad said he couldn't travel that far and went to his solicitor stating I was being unfair despite it being that there were job opportunities and I offered to contribute to his train fares and share the transport arrangements. I ended up not moving as he was challenging it and his solicitor agreed that it wasn't fair for him to travel at all.

If the 13 year old has a good group of friends, I’d say to them if they want to stay at their current school, you’ll make it work for them to live with you. Offer the year 6 child the same, if they were looking forward to going to secondary school with their friends, that can happen from your house.

This. The issue is there is a 13yo. It needs to be what they want. You can go to court and their wishes will be taken into account. Doesn’t mean they will get what they want, but it will be considered. However, if the ruling is what they don’t want, then good luck with that. A 13yo will get on trains, buses, organise themselves to get where they want. At that point, it’s essentially a lost cause making them be somewhere they don’t want to be, So, the best outcome one is them wanting to stay, and OP/DH doing everything they can to facilitate it.

Do you actually have confirmation directly from SC that it is their choice to move with their mother? .... or is this what she has said?

If it is their "choice" then all your DH can do is to explain that you cannot all move again and make sure they know he wants to maintain his relationship with them as he loves them. Let them be involved in the practicalities of how this might be achieved. He needs to tell them that there are court options but he does not want to put them through that and wants to respect their decisions. They need to know that his/your door is always open for them if things are not working out.

You and your family cannot be traipsing around the country in line with this woman's whims.