To refuse to move again?

[No2XW]

Name changed for this because I don’t want to be identified.

DH has two kids with his XW, 13 and 10. We have DC 4 and 1. I met him when SC were 2 and 5, we now live 1hr apart and have them EOWE, Wednesday nights and most of the school holidays.

Shortly after we met XW said she was moving a significant distance away from us to be closer to family. DH (DP then) and I agreed to move closer. She then did it again and again we moved closer (cost us 25k to move and changes of jobs). We’ve been in our current locations for 2 years and DC1 is due to start school in Sept. We are happy and settled here with good friends and some family nearby.

XW has now said she’s moving back to a previous location (it’s a four hour drive from our current location) and that SC want to move because they want to come with her.

AIBU to refuse to move again? DH is devastated.

Crikey! You have done more than enough. Put your foot (feet) down and stop moving just to please her. In fact, can’t you try and block her from moving again?

You cant keep chasing this woman around the country. Its not fair on the 2 children you have together. Stay where you are. By the sounds of it, she'll probably move again in a year or 2 anyway.

Absolutely not. Fucking ridiculous. He should get a court order to stop her moving. I can see why he’s devastated but he’s set a stupid precedent but following her around like she’s the boss and he needs to stop doing it and be clear she’s not taking their shared kids do far away.

DH has been speaking to solicitors all morning and doesn’t think so because they’re (almost) both over 11, so their opinion would be counted.

SC probably won’t opt to live with us as we’re the house with rules.

YANBU because who's to say she won't do it again.

(And let her solve the issue of child transport.)

The one who moves is the one who needs to do the transport IMO. Make it her problem.

"Ok ExW, thanks for letting me know. Our usual arrangement on Wednesdays obviously won't work but let's work out a time you will bring DC up and collect again on the weekends."

She has form for making it our problem - mysterious injuries which mean she can’t drive, children being “too ill to travel” when they have colds, cars being in the garage or not replaced. If the children have a party or something they want to go to then she’ll make up lies and make them complicit. It’s a mess…

At the moment, SC can use public transport to come to us but that wouldn’t be possible if they move back as it’s 5-6hrs and would involve four trains and a bus.

I’m surprised the 13 year old wants to move as they’d have to move schools but maybe they don’t mind. Has he asked them what they about moving?
Ultimately if he wants to live to be near them which is understandable, you’ll have to decide if you want to uproot your children again and move with him.

What are her reasons for moving. Is she definitely doing it? Or just creating drama / flaunting her control?

I would go to a Solicitor that specialises in family law. The law society website will show which ones local to you have an accreditation for it. ie. They are good at this particular field.
It cannot be so that she can effectively come between your husband and his children by moving house so often. Your husband must be able to get a Court action to stop her doing this again.
I would get a second opinion. This is too important not to do so.

Yes, they’re moving this weekend. She’s only told us as one of the SC let it slip. They’ve only known a week apparently.

@Monty36 It cannot be so that she can effectively come between your husband and his children by moving house so often. Your husband must be able to get a Court action to stop her doing this again

My understanding is that a court cannot/ will not stop anyone from moving. What they can/will do is stop the children from moving. However, this seems different in that the children are of an age where the court will take their wishes into consideration should they want to move.

You can still get a prohibitive steps order to stop her removing them from school?

It may only delay things but are they not at a critical point in their schooling?

Exactly. Whether they go with their mum or move in with us, they’d need to change school as we’re an hour away. They’re choosing to go with their mum and are very emotionally bonded with her.

I’m just not doing it again. I feel awful for DH because it probably means he won’t get to see SC often but me and DC are settled here.

We can’t stop her moving and the children are old enough to make a decision on who they live with. They’re in year 6 and year 8 so not critical years.

I would still consider the order. Let the DC stay with you and finish the current year.

Let it go to court and demonstrate how she isn’t considering the DC best interests and get in the court order that she has to facilitate future contact and fund the travel costs.

It sounds like she is actually emotionally abusive to them and it is damaging and chaotic living with her.

The operative phrase being ‘ take their views into consideration’. It doesn’t mean the children get to decide.
He should challenge it. And if anything, show his children he cares enough to do so.

Having the children alternate weekends, every Wednesday and most of the school holidays gives their mother a lot of free time, do you think that she would really want to lose a lot of that free time? That would seem to be biting off her nose to spite her face, even if she hates her ex husband? Or do you think she thought you’d all pack up and follow her for a fourth time? The 10 year old is still too young to be left in the care of the older sibling so how is the children’s mother going to manage? If she thinks she can rely on her family she’ll soon find out that family over promises and under delivers particularly as they have their own lives. Your husband should sit tight and wait for the problems to arise, I assume she’ll become more reasonable at that point.

Honestly, I’ve given up on second guessing her. She does consider SC old enough to look out for themselves after school now.

Why did your husband agree to her moving the kids in the first place?

In years to come, would he rather tell them his relationship with them was fatally damaged because he accepted their mum moving them so far away, or would he rather tell them he did every single thing he could to keep them closer and maintaining a meaningful contact pattern and close relationship?

I’d stay put and say to them right - we aren’t moving so no more Wednesday nights and the weekends as SHE is moving SHE will have to bring them to you and collect them

this sounds very disruptive to everyone especially all the kids involved.

How can she afford all of these moves? Is she chasing a man?

I wouldn’t have done it the first time, tbh.

You are his WIFE. Therefore, his priority should be YOU and his four children.

She is taking the piss but your DH is a complete door mat to her by the sounds of it. He needs to get his priorities straight.

Your poor DH, and those kids deserve better than having one week’s notice to move at that age. No advice other than she should be expected to do more of the collection/drop off etc for the arranged hours through the solicitor